bit of this and a bit of that

Here I sit.. thinking i need to do this more. Why? Because I am (and I can admit it) a total crab these days. Im not even sure I know why lately. Well, I do know why or atleast partly but we will get to that. Whats even worse is I get so mad at people when they ask me if I am mad? or Whats wrong? Why dont I feel talking? well and honestly in my head I have been doing a lot of shut up and leave me alone kind of thoughts. I know. not exactly a pleasant disposition. and this is all kind of blobbed together so dont be alarmed if you cant seem to follow me (and anyways is that something new?) Oh and before I continue and I have said this before but i think it needs to be said again often times people will think I am talking about them based on a conversation we had or something like that usually (and this is how my brain has always worked) Im not talking about you, your conversation with me may have be an idea starter and almost always I am talking in generals. So this week.. you know that feeling when you did something wrong and you new it was wrong and yet you did it anyways? It is even worse when you know it bodes nothing good for anyone involved. yep been there this week. And what it is doesnt really matter at all. I just find it really annoying that there are some things we will always struggle with and as easy it is to blink you wrapped up in the throws of something really stupid. I guess the good news is that struggle is not one that is done alone. Even people wont evenly admit it the reality is the constant and continual battle with the self is real. Thats why today even though i have been crabby most days, im not today because I know that when people are asking questions it is because they care. Or atleast it usually is.

Well and what else frustrates me? (because im sure you want to know)

feeling like people are quick to write you off. lets face it we all get judged but it is very annoying when people make assumptions with very little facts other than the obvious. Often times as the saying goes if you go to the zoo to see giraffes you may not expect to see zebras. However you never know when a zebra may pop up. You get the point that really look long and hard and try to gather all the facts before you pass judgement and to be quite frank you never know when your judgement is going to be detrimental to someone else.

Fear. Its stupid and dumb and in the end you can be missing out on really amazing opportunities. When something feels right shouldnt you go for it? When something means changing your whole life for the better yet it is very embarrassing to put your self out there and being vulnerable. How can something be so right and yet so different all at the same time.

I hate that feeling of knowing you need to do something but the task is so daunting you dont even know where to begin or how to begin or what to say or what to do.

Then of course there is that feeling that no matter what happens things will always be the same even when you change them.

The past and the present ok this would be an example of one of those general moments coming up people say live in the moment and that is great idea especially for someone who like me over thinks can be really type A etc. but the reality is the present is driven by the past. and the pain of the past often manifests itsself in the present. Unless you acknowledge it embrace and look ahead. Never underestimate someone else's pain.

when people dont do what they say they are going to do. That is beyond super annoying. enough said

I could go on and on about how stressed I am between the writers block, and just feeling burnt out of the same humdrum and how i really need a vacation but you get the idea...

I have always been a dreamer, its whom I am write big, think big, achieve big, dream big but sometimes we can lose sight of the things in the here and now. While it is good to plan and be driven, goal orientated and it shouldnt come at stake of your passion and enjoying the simple life. The little things in life can be really beautiful. Is it any coincidence that my gratitude journal is sitting between my mattresses (in my completely spotless room mind you) and my bad attitude?.. hmm...

I have to say I have finally been catching up on reading other peoples blogs and I am so inspired by the fact that there are people who feel the same as me. Awkward, annoyed, uncomfortable, unsure, afraid and yet they can manage to put a smile on their face and be happy. This is why I love my friends..because besides putting up with my tears and tantrums and less than pleasant antics (which atleast moods like this tend to be short lived) you make me want to be better. Well and for believing in me when I dont see what the heck you are talking about.

So whats your goal for the week? ok or maybe into next week since this week is almost over. Mine is to spend sometime doing what needs to be done. Move forward not back, To listen to advice, to smile and embrace those silly moments and get back to what I love. One of those things being blogging and not just about men's briefcases. yeah I know. thats it.. for now back to work xox