just a response to my own blog.

so i got an email from a NAFA member. for those of you who dont know NAFA is the national association for Fat Acceptance. my friend who is a member emailed me and asked why I was fat bashing. Someone else asked why I was bashing Gastric Bypass. Really people??? I am not bashing either. I am not saying it is or isnt ok to be fat, nor am I saying it is or isnt ok to lose weight, I am not saying I do or dont need to lose weight, I probably do. All I am saying is my happiness comes from the inside and it is or isnt dependant on you, or how I look. The fact that I love myself will not change regardless of whether or not I am fat, thin, grow warts on my forehead or end up with purple hair, or no hair because beauty to me doesnt define character and I know that is hard for some to swallow. And for the person that asked why I was acting like it didnt hurt the way people treat me. Of course it does. I am a girl and a sensitive one at that. So.. when you start to like a guy and he rejects you or you think people are you friends and they ignore or disregard you of course it hurts. I am not saying N didnt hurt me, and as far as P, S, J, J, J, K, and A go. I have been trying to get them to like me for years and I always get ignored, pushed aside or felt like I was the ugly one in the group, or that i wasnt good enough. being stood up, and ignored hurts. feeling like youre not as cool or pretty enough does hurt and I am a super sensitive person and to feel like you are putting effort into people who arent interested in you really sucks. So then i decided I am done crying tears over these people, I am done trying to sell myself to these people, I am listening to people tell me I am not pretty enough or skinny enough to be a part of the "in crowd" or one of the "hot girls" who hit up downtown. Eleanor Roosevelt once said" No one can make you feel inferior with out your consent". I am not bashing anyone or anything, nor I am denying that I have been hurt by people. All I am saying is I have one life, this is it, and well I am choosing to live a life of positivity and surrounding myself with people who love me. even if I am uncool, at least I know I am loved.

lets just clear the air

so... since it is almost 5 in the morning and I cant sleep why not blog? So.. i know I am going to. offend a few people (as usual) but there are somethings you and I need to get straight. Yes, I am talking to you. Let me also just go out on a limb and say apology accepted so no need to send me letters or voicemail about it because I have been accepting apologies on this issue since I was a preteen. So.. to answer the question that appears to be on so many minds the answer is No when it comes to my recent surgery i did not have gastric bypass. When I posted a survey that said operation GBS. I apparently caused a lot of confusion. OK... that was a joke to my best friend about my massive crush on guy named Bob. I actually for those that don't know had a rapidly growing tumor taking up much of my breast. I have had to endure not only that surgery but will in all likelihood face the possibility of a full mastectomy. Now this is not a bashing gastric bypass conversation because there are a lot of people who have had it and it has worked wonders for them. In fact there are at least 6 people who are reading this that have had the operation, and all of whom have become successful at losing weight and being healthy. For some odd reason that bewilders me people seem to think that if you are fat, they can talk to you in a way that is disrespectful. Here is what I have heard over recent weeks: "you should get gastric bypass so you can be pretty." "If you were thin, P would want you to go out with them, and N wouldn't have hurt you like that." "When you lose weight people will like you and J and A will want to hang with you." " I don't mean to be rude but i don't understand why you are so fat, have you always been this big?" The list could go on and on and on.... and I am really angry about it to be honest and no, not at you per say but as a whole. even my best friend thought I was having gastric bypass. I know we live in a culture that is very visual and maybe people are just making an observation about me OK.. so I am fat.. can we all worry about ourselves and move on now? First off , If P doesn't want to hang with me well that is too bad for her. N is the one missing out and Jand A especially J are jerks. For those of you who are trying to analyze my weight you can stop now. My relationship with Emily is complex and it is something that myself and others in the mental health filed have been trying to figure out. Most of you may not remember when I was 110 pounds but I cant say that I was happier or had less problems. Oh, and on a side note for that one person who is going to say if you lost weight you'd be less sick. hate to break it to ya but I have had an auto immune illness since I was 12 and 120 pounds, throw in some kidney disease and my health will never be spectacular. I am again not saying being overweight is a bad thing or a good thing nor am I saying gastric bypass is or isn't in my future. My dear friend Kristin is most famous for having a moment when she said she was worth it. and she is. we all are. My being worthy of love is NOT going to start when you tell me it is OK or when society tells me I am good enough. I am, you are, we are good enough and worthy enough today. I love being me, I think beautiful and talented and deserving. Did I mention I was a total nerd? All of that will not change regardless of whether I am 300 pounds or 105. I've seen those captions you put under your pics when you call your self fat and ugly. I am not doing that. I refuse to self loathe. Life is just too short. For those of you that want to say you are really concerned about my weight ok fine but there is a way to approach someone that is respectful and if you are a stranger or someone i ha vent talked to in years it is not cool for you to not even ask how I am doing and immediately ask me about " the surgery" . Bottom line there is fine space between being concerned and just being obnoxious. Here's the deal and said this to John and he didn't think I was being serious but I am. I am a rockin good time, I appreciate my gorgeous self and those around me for who they are not their appearance. You are either on board and want to be my friend, or you dont. If you need to bounce thats cool. I done trying to sell myself or fit in to your expectations. You know and this is to a lot of people.. your beauty will fade... but self love and respect that endures. ... till next time, xoxo- carmen

time for a change

There is a woman who by all accounts to put it mildly is a horrible person. If you know her and disagree then well you dont really know her. While I consider myself to be a rather forgiving person, this person continues to wreak havoc. There are some people in this world whether anyone likes it or not that are intent on being destructive. Destructive to themselves, to others or to whom ever. reckless and hardly law abiding. In an ironic twist of fate the people who are of this caliber seem to have manage to have children. go figure (God and I have this conversation repeatedly and I will not ever see the reasoning or logic behind it.) This woman has said and done some awful things. She has told open lies about me, my sister, my family, she has made everyone in her path miserable. The saddest thing is though that she has daughters. Now if you think your actions dont affect your children these girls were acting out like nobody's business. the pain of abandonment, of abuse and years of feeling worthless can take its toll on anyone. It is especially heart breaking when a 12 yearold is now going to be without a mom when she needs one the most. all for selfishness. it always amazes me how one person can cause so many other people and their relationships discontent. Now one can choose to be angry. Believe me I am, enraged as a matter of fact. rightfully so, there is no doubt about it. yet there is another route. Yes, I can choose to be angry and hurt but then that is giving this person exactly what they want. Power, attention, and control. At some point I have to say I am done relishing in the heartache this person has caused. At some point one has to say you are NOT the controller of my state of being. It is often said the best revenge in life is to be successful, and better. How do change the world? it isnt by anger hostility or manipulation. It is by goodness, kindness, love and gentleness. We can change the world by raising our selves up so we can be better examples for our sisters. Abuse runs in cycles and perhaps today is the day to make a clean break and say I will do better for my family and myself. Finally, here is a peace of what i wrote to that lonely 12 year old. You are the most beautiful girl in the world. You are good, special, kind, and talented. Do not let anyone take that away from you. You are more than just a victim of circumstance.when you are alone, feel awkward or uncertain, look to the stars and know that there are so many people who love you are watching out for you even when you cant see them those 10,000 angels are around.

time for my take on kindness

so at church today the sermon was about kindness. which interestingly enough i was going to write this yesterday but was still a little groggy from the whole anesthesia thing. This isn't to call anyone out ( in a negative way) or to make anyone feel guilty. if you do read this and feel guilty, or upset and think I'm talking about you maybe there is a reason for that. often we feel a certain way because we are in the wrong. the spirit has a way of talking to us. at any rate consider chelsi. when i was thinking about her the past few days i was totally touched. Now i just had my boobs poked via surgery so they said i would be slightly more hormonal. at any rate i was impressed by chels i started to cry. Here is a girl who is beautiful, she is a single mom of two kids, she works, she does the whole school thing and she is pulled in all kinds of different directions yet what was she doing this weekend? raising money for cancer research. Often you can find her making a difference in the community. Now she is very humble person and doesn't even know that i am writing about her and whether she ever got recognition or not she would still try to help others in need. or consider Kristin. i had the chance to meet Kristin several months ago. She is a super sweet heart who is also a sister, a wife, a daughter and has a career. On a personal quest to make her life better she has inadvertently touched the lives of people all over the country inspiring young women not only to be healthy but to treat themselves and others with respect. amazing. there are so many others. Here is what I am getting at. OK there are a few things. One kindness comes in all shapes size and packages. You don't have to necessarily walk around with a poster board announcing your wanting to be kind to make a difference. OK next point and while this has effected me personally but really i am talking in terms of humanity. Over the past few weeks i have heard people say things not only to me but to people who were in more dire situations than me. Things like.. "I want to help but I am mom so I just cant be there" or.. " i want to help others but I go to school so i don't have time" or.."I'm tired." the list could go on and on and on and on some more. Listen up! Chelsi is a mom, chelsi is a student, chelsi probably gets tired yet she can still find time. The truth is sometimes it takes seconds to offer someone kindness and compassion. M had some medical issues this week. She recently sent me a message and said all she wanted was for someone to call. So.. is it enough if you know your friend is sick, sore, grieving, or discouraged and you simply click the like button or comment on their facebook page? is it enough just to send a text but just not manage to find the time to call or visit someone who has literally been fighting for their life? Is it enough to nod at the preacher as he preaches about kindness? is it enough to wish to be kinder? i don't know that i have the answers and i think we need to each ask ourselves the tough questions and be honest. the truth is i think we can all do better. well and the reality is being kind can be an inconvenience. it can be stressful it can make us tired, maybe we wont get to sleep in, maybe we wont get to go out and party that night but when you treat others with genuine compassion you become a better person and God takes notice of your works. some people don't help others because they are angry. how do we break that cycle? one kind act at a time. I'm a sensitive person. When i see someone who is truly in need and being ignored it breaks my heart. when it is me that is affected of course it hurts.when i know there are people who are reading this that will just go back to their business of excuses and being self absorbed to be honest it makes me nauseated. but to those who go out of their way to be kind, I am humbled, honored and inspired by the fact that i have a chance to be your friend. Thank you for never ceasing to amaze me and for advancing the kingdom