so I told you yesterday I was going to start writing everyday for a month. so here we are. I am also by the wall if you dont know this I am obsessed with quotes. So I am revealing a quote everyday too.
"destiny is not written by us, rather created by us"- Barack Obama
I want to say Im sorry in the other blog if you think I was being harsh. It is just alot that was on my mind and it was much less hostile in person. I know I made some people feel bad but i think sometimes the truth hurts us. all we can do move forward and be the best we can be. All the crap that was so negative that I was feeling so run down by it that it was taking away from the people and things I love. So I am going to focus on my writing. hence the blog since I am tryingto write every day.
So yesterday i was watching a conversation and I was amazed. There was a girl i thought knew. funny thing is yesterday she had know idea who i was. which was whatever. but the thing is too many of us spend too much time spending trying to get to know the "cool people" and not enough trying to get to nice people. if someone doesnt look like us or isnt pretty or doesnt fit into our "group" we act like they dont exist. Whether you were fat like me (for those who say shes been harsh lets keep it real.) or because you are handicap, black, white, tall, short, gay whatever. Maybe today say hi to that person in the corner or the one you dont know. when you base love and friendship on beauty on vanity you are doing yourself a disservice. there are a lot of good people out there who do nothing but joy and happiness to your life. just something to think about.
happy days xox
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
its a new day
been awhile since ive been here, needed to do this for awhile but well have just been under the weather still.yes still. A few days ago, someone told me I had lost my spark. yeah well they were right. lets be honest these days im taking a bit of the cynic's approach. well and there is a lot to be unhappy about. like what you might ask. well lets see today a beautiful girl was murdered after some sick agenda was pushed. still sick. the doctor today said congrats you could be sick for months. someone else I know is going to be homeless soon. didnt call any of my friends i had set aside today specifically to call. sorry kates and nic and chels. then the past few days people have managed to particapte in my three biggest pet peeves. imagine that when i dont feel good. ok pet peeve number 1: I cant stand it when people stand me up.i hate it. it drives me nuts. its rude and annoying. its worse when you dont call all day and then you are going to brag about what a great day you had. really??? but should i expect anything less from you? no need to answer my own question. Pet peeve #2 I cant stand when people hang up on me. I hate it too. it is also rude and annoying and disrespectful of someone you "like". Why cant you say im sorry this conversation isnt going well. got to go. again should I expect anything less from someone who spends one day being polite and 30 days being a royal dick? lesson of the day..even the most confident appearing person needs to recognize and accept being alone. Third pet peeve. People who have their hand out contiously. remember when i said it was rude and obnoxious? yeah all that stuff applies here too. You have had your hand out even when there isnt anything to hand out yet. but youre right there. further more you are the first the very first to hand off your responsiblities and your "priorities" to someone else. even worse.. you fail to say thank you. again no need to be shcoekd because its you. well and all three of you are who you are and thats no changing anytime soon. still annoying though.
next reason to be unhappy ( i told you there was alot) it bugs me almost as much as the other three reason above when you try and compete with me. I connect with someone.. so you need to try and prove yourself and your friendship too and whatever if this was the first time but the truth is its everytime you are introduced to someone by me. even people who know you dont like them find it odd that you are giving them your number after i tell them to call me. I get it that you are worried that maybe im going to have a connection that you are not a part of ( and for the record that is ok, you dont need to be part of every aspect of my life) and i get that you have low self esteem. totally understandable. but really? im a quirky girl. there are certain things I do or say or listen to that make me. You need to find those things about you because they do exsist.
and then there is you. You came and I thought you were this amazing person. we had fun together. I told everyone how you were different then them. Then naturally things changed. The lies, the not wanting to be ambitious and a leader for the sake of others, going out of your way to say mean things to me and just when I was about to forgive you ( as im trying hard not to hold grudges) you did that. To go out of the way to hurt someone you love is disgusting. unlike everyone else I cant pretend that its ok, or it didnt happen or you dont deserve for me to punch you square in the mouth or throw my shoe at you.
Then there is this woman. all these people think she is super sweet, and super hip and super cool. they brag about much fun she is, and call her all the time etc. etc.they come up here and she is the first one they run too. great. yet they cant see what an awful person she is. Never mind the fact that she is a leech. She has sucked you out of hundreds of dollars and has no problem doing it. She has stolen from people, abdanoned the ones she shouldnt and well made it her mission to continue to screw me over and make my life a personal hell even though I am hardly the one you should be pointing fingers at. which poses the question.. why do people do that? take the meanest nastiest people and worship and put them on that much of higher of a pedastool? the least deserving people we admire and the ones that are loyal and do deserve it we ignore. fail to take responsiblity and people will think youre great. ugh. ugh.
Then there is you who is so afraid of becoming that women who was so awful and did all those terrible things to all those people. guess what? you are her. you are so her from your looks to your awful and I do mean awful personality. The very fact that you think I would talk to that crazy lady or the very fact that you would make lies to make yourself look good, or the very fact you would say those things to your sister makes you that woman. Im really sorry that someday you are giong to be a very lonely person. while i am trying not to hold grudges everyone has put up with you for too long.
feeling cynical yet?? then there are my friends. People you should be able to count on. let me say Im sorry for all those people who are going to say I cant believe she is calling me out, or oh why would you say that, or oh here is my excuse, or oh was it even about me? first of all I will tell you why I blog and why I am the way I am. I keep it real. I try and tell it like it is. For to many years I didnt and I was the nice girl and I was the sweet girl that wasnt going to tell because what if it hurt your feelings and then that would be my fault that your feelings were hurt over something you did. Newsflash: That is not the way this show runs anymore. If you upset me, you are going to know and well im sorry if that upsets you. I try and be honest and I dont think I do it in a way that is disrepectful and too bitchy. like I said to my dad tonight dont get me wrong I am a bitch but not to the point where it is too much usually. and if I abm blogging about you remember that usually (not so much today but usualy) you doesnt mean you. You is often a cultural reference. plus remember blogging is what i do to vent my frustrations out. with the exception of krista pat and kate and naj i dont really vent to people like I used to. Also remember that if im blogging about well then 99% you already know tonight is no exception. minus that boy. bottom line im sorry if you dont like but then dont read it. So back to this friends business.. im totally pissed and well of course i will tell you why. So I was in the hospital for 3 weeks you know the story that girl that almost died had multiple infections, was going to be put on a vent, intensive care and so on. now there are certain things i expect as in the other blog. One of those things is support and it pisses me off when you are my friend and you dont come and you dont even call and you are supposed to be my best friend or one of them anyways. You got the one that leaves a message like a month after I get sick. not knowing that i was in the hospital until a few days prior. Hello?? Then you have J and J. From the boy and the girl J you get nothing. not an im sorry thats awful get well soon. nothing. Then you have the other D who also knows and nothing. not only that but totally cool and then we find out some information that isnt even true especially now and you are going to act like 12 middle school boy. i mean really??
All of this has officially led me to say im done. Im done trying to figure out why my "friends" dont like me or are acting shady. for me the worst part is not knowing why. but thats something i need to deal with. Im done chasing you, sending you emails, txt, vm, that get no response. you dont want to talk to me? great i probly didnt want to nor need to talk to you. Im done worrying about what that wretch of a woman thinks about me. or why some people choose to assocaite with them after all the things they put everyone through. there are no more tears left for you . Im done trying to be nice to you because there is not a lot of us and we share a commonality. I cant do it. im done asking you to do stuff. i wont keep up an invite to be conitually disappointed. even though with you the good outwieghs the bad you are still on thin ice with me. you have a lot to learn about respect and valauing people and their time. You will also not be informed of when I make conections with people this I promise you, nor will Dec. be happening that is for sure and a definite. no way no how and well you wont really know. infact im done asking you to be supportive. especially when i see you doing it for other people.dont worry about it. finally Im beyond done with you two. The very fact that you would put your hands on anyone else is enough for me to be over whatever we had. and I am beyond done with you. afters years of unrelenting support this is how it is? there are no words.my hope is everyone learns humility, intregrity, respect and is able to take responsibilty for their actions.
so i told you there was alot to be sad about and very cynical for that matter. isnt there always though? anyways on friday after not feeling good, after not being able to see kelly, after being screwed in the worst way. after not being appreicated and given the worst advice I cried and cried and cried and sat in a parking lot and cried. it was horrible. then after some giggles and some sleep I woke on saturday and decided I was not going to feel bad anymore. I am done with the garbage and yucky people (i totally just pictured a mr. yuck sign in my head lol) im done waiting for expection compassion and sympathy where it can not come from. saturday and today I choose happy. You know what? there is a lot of love out there. for me. for you. for all of us really. im focusing on the people that love me. i want to focus on new friendships and new beginings. for how bad I felt on friday by weekend's end I was crying again. this time it was because I couldnt believe how many people really loved me and were praying for me. These are people who love me for who I am now and not because its convient for them or because they are new in town or dnt have anyone else. The best part is I take confidence in knowing they are sincere which hasnt happened in a long time. I am excited for new relationships (with certain people) new friendships new beginingings, new chances to take control and new chances to do what Ive always wanted to do but all the negitive junk was holding me back. not anymore. I hope that you all find the same. thank you.
next reason to be unhappy ( i told you there was alot) it bugs me almost as much as the other three reason above when you try and compete with me. I connect with someone.. so you need to try and prove yourself and your friendship too and whatever if this was the first time but the truth is its everytime you are introduced to someone by me. even people who know you dont like them find it odd that you are giving them your number after i tell them to call me. I get it that you are worried that maybe im going to have a connection that you are not a part of ( and for the record that is ok, you dont need to be part of every aspect of my life) and i get that you have low self esteem. totally understandable. but really? im a quirky girl. there are certain things I do or say or listen to that make me. You need to find those things about you because they do exsist.
and then there is you. You came and I thought you were this amazing person. we had fun together. I told everyone how you were different then them. Then naturally things changed. The lies, the not wanting to be ambitious and a leader for the sake of others, going out of your way to say mean things to me and just when I was about to forgive you ( as im trying hard not to hold grudges) you did that. To go out of the way to hurt someone you love is disgusting. unlike everyone else I cant pretend that its ok, or it didnt happen or you dont deserve for me to punch you square in the mouth or throw my shoe at you.
Then there is this woman. all these people think she is super sweet, and super hip and super cool. they brag about much fun she is, and call her all the time etc. etc.they come up here and she is the first one they run too. great. yet they cant see what an awful person she is. Never mind the fact that she is a leech. She has sucked you out of hundreds of dollars and has no problem doing it. She has stolen from people, abdanoned the ones she shouldnt and well made it her mission to continue to screw me over and make my life a personal hell even though I am hardly the one you should be pointing fingers at. which poses the question.. why do people do that? take the meanest nastiest people and worship and put them on that much of higher of a pedastool? the least deserving people we admire and the ones that are loyal and do deserve it we ignore. fail to take responsiblity and people will think youre great. ugh. ugh.
Then there is you who is so afraid of becoming that women who was so awful and did all those terrible things to all those people. guess what? you are her. you are so her from your looks to your awful and I do mean awful personality. The very fact that you think I would talk to that crazy lady or the very fact that you would make lies to make yourself look good, or the very fact you would say those things to your sister makes you that woman. Im really sorry that someday you are giong to be a very lonely person. while i am trying not to hold grudges everyone has put up with you for too long.
feeling cynical yet?? then there are my friends. People you should be able to count on. let me say Im sorry for all those people who are going to say I cant believe she is calling me out, or oh why would you say that, or oh here is my excuse, or oh was it even about me? first of all I will tell you why I blog and why I am the way I am. I keep it real. I try and tell it like it is. For to many years I didnt and I was the nice girl and I was the sweet girl that wasnt going to tell because what if it hurt your feelings and then that would be my fault that your feelings were hurt over something you did. Newsflash: That is not the way this show runs anymore. If you upset me, you are going to know and well im sorry if that upsets you. I try and be honest and I dont think I do it in a way that is disrepectful and too bitchy. like I said to my dad tonight dont get me wrong I am a bitch but not to the point where it is too much usually. and if I abm blogging about you remember that usually (not so much today but usualy) you doesnt mean you. You is often a cultural reference. plus remember blogging is what i do to vent my frustrations out. with the exception of krista pat and kate and naj i dont really vent to people like I used to. Also remember that if im blogging about well then 99% you already know tonight is no exception. minus that boy. bottom line im sorry if you dont like but then dont read it. So back to this friends business.. im totally pissed and well of course i will tell you why. So I was in the hospital for 3 weeks you know the story that girl that almost died had multiple infections, was going to be put on a vent, intensive care and so on. now there are certain things i expect as in the other blog. One of those things is support and it pisses me off when you are my friend and you dont come and you dont even call and you are supposed to be my best friend or one of them anyways. You got the one that leaves a message like a month after I get sick. not knowing that i was in the hospital until a few days prior. Hello?? Then you have J and J. From the boy and the girl J you get nothing. not an im sorry thats awful get well soon. nothing. Then you have the other D who also knows and nothing. not only that but totally cool and then we find out some information that isnt even true especially now and you are going to act like 12 middle school boy. i mean really??
All of this has officially led me to say im done. Im done trying to figure out why my "friends" dont like me or are acting shady. for me the worst part is not knowing why. but thats something i need to deal with. Im done chasing you, sending you emails, txt, vm, that get no response. you dont want to talk to me? great i probly didnt want to nor need to talk to you. Im done worrying about what that wretch of a woman thinks about me. or why some people choose to assocaite with them after all the things they put everyone through. there are no more tears left for you . Im done trying to be nice to you because there is not a lot of us and we share a commonality. I cant do it. im done asking you to do stuff. i wont keep up an invite to be conitually disappointed. even though with you the good outwieghs the bad you are still on thin ice with me. you have a lot to learn about respect and valauing people and their time. You will also not be informed of when I make conections with people this I promise you, nor will Dec. be happening that is for sure and a definite. no way no how and well you wont really know. infact im done asking you to be supportive. especially when i see you doing it for other people.dont worry about it. finally Im beyond done with you two. The very fact that you would put your hands on anyone else is enough for me to be over whatever we had. and I am beyond done with you. afters years of unrelenting support this is how it is? there are no words.my hope is everyone learns humility, intregrity, respect and is able to take responsibilty for their actions.
so i told you there was alot to be sad about and very cynical for that matter. isnt there always though? anyways on friday after not feeling good, after not being able to see kelly, after being screwed in the worst way. after not being appreicated and given the worst advice I cried and cried and cried and sat in a parking lot and cried. it was horrible. then after some giggles and some sleep I woke on saturday and decided I was not going to feel bad anymore. I am done with the garbage and yucky people (i totally just pictured a mr. yuck sign in my head lol) im done waiting for expection compassion and sympathy where it can not come from. saturday and today I choose happy. You know what? there is a lot of love out there. for me. for you. for all of us really. im focusing on the people that love me. i want to focus on new friendships and new beginings. for how bad I felt on friday by weekend's end I was crying again. this time it was because I couldnt believe how many people really loved me and were praying for me. These are people who love me for who I am now and not because its convient for them or because they are new in town or dnt have anyone else. The best part is I take confidence in knowing they are sincere which hasnt happened in a long time. I am excited for new relationships (with certain people) new friendships new beginingings, new chances to take control and new chances to do what Ive always wanted to do but all the negitive junk was holding me back. not anymore. I hope that you all find the same. thank you.
Friday, November 6, 2009
life and death
So.. in case you are not aware the past few weeks have been kind of trying for me. I was sick. really sick. i had h1n1 (yes tested and confirmed) and every other infection one could imagine, and well I almost died. literally. In fact I was just released from the hospital after 3 weeks. Now for someone who is going to say well she must be exaggerating if i only I was. To have such an experience and to be so helpless is such a crazy thing. Now I have to say that I am very grateful to be alive. I also have to say that I have made several people cry with my attitude on all this. My intention is not to make anyone cry or to upset someone. Nor am I writing this for shock value. I am not pointing fingers at anyone more than I am myself. With all that being said I am mad well down right angry as a matter of fact. So there I am in the hospital obviously the sickest person there by anyone's standards. and you would not believe the number of phone calls I was getting. Why is this a bad thing? well its not. however here is my problem. A month or two ago despite my best efforts these were people who barely even noticed I existed. Despite my best effort and attempts at trying to get their attention and approval there was nothing. I could have fell off of the face of the planet and they would have just carried on. All of sudden they hear you could die and they are calling five times a day. They spend years ignoring you and never telling you they love you and now they cant tell you enough. Why do we that? Do even really care? Is out guilt? Is it our ego and if just cry a little and say I love someone maybe we justify our actions? I dont really know. Now dont get me wrong I am happy to hear that from these people now however the question that has risen in my mind: Will these people call me in a month or two and tell me the same thing or am I going to have to be on my death bed again? (which hopefully, Lord willing will not be happening anytime soon) Then there is the next group of people that upset me. You tell them you are sick and its critical and becomes a conversation of oh really? that sucks. I dont want people to be fake and be concerned because of their guilt or because they other people will be watching/listening however genuine compassion is always a good thing. How can you claim to be my friend and then not be interested if your friend almost dies? really? Then people would tell me about how they had this going on with their family or that going on or drama at work, etc. etc. In the grand scheme of things does the pettiness and drama really matter? I also am not insensitive to the fact that all of us have problems. While I was having issues one of my closet and most beautiful friends was dealing with a cancer diagnoses. Things happen and we all have problems. I am not the kind of person to expect you to drop everything during your crisis and come running to me. What I expect from you (which is what you should expect from me) is compassion and love. I think we can all do better at appreciating each other while we are here. The truth we are only promised today and thats it. So today you should tell someone you love them and that you care. Today is the blessing. The other thing is it shouldnt take almost dying for us to realize that there is so much to do in life and so much fun to have. Just know that even though I dont say it enough I love you and I am grateful for you. So go out rock your life and your friendships. With that being said I am off to think about how I want to make things different.
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