my wish list

so.. and for those who are going to ask who is she talking about? or think they know because my mom has a big mouth and likes to exaggerate it doesn't really matter who it is. So there was a boy. (isn't there always?) again who it is is irrelevant. You will never get me to admit this but i may have started to let my guard down. Imagine the shock when i realized i got burned. (perhaps due to karmic and the fact that i have done an awful lot of heart breaking and reckless dating over the years) this all makes things very complicated. i am totally torn because now there are other people involved that may end up being hurt. so.. i came up with sort of my own list of wants along with some realizations. The first thing i realized was girls are shady. Yep. shocker i know. Let me just say though i am not not blaming the guy for being a jerk, I'm just saying girls get real funny. You would think i would remember that after an awesome 2008 (you cant see me rolling my eyes). Girls will totally go after a guy that they know another girl likes. even when they are friends with the girl. Whether it is to prove that they are hotter, better kissers, or just to be a bitch why would you treat someone like that? the worst part is we openly flaunt it. why must be so threatened when we are not the center of attention. Further more as a rule girls that do this kind of thing are not the most attractive people (either inside or out). when are we going to as women and sisters raise each other up? I'm just saying. now some will say I'm sure.. well this person was drunk, or we were high etc. etc. etc.. to be honest i don't care. I have been drunk plenty of times and not gone out of my way to hurt people. maybe that makes me strange. also, sometimes the girls that seem the nicest are the ones quick to attack. second thing i realize is that i am worth more then the drama. enough said. all this has made me come up with list of things i want. while i can recognize that people make mistakes and aren't perfect there are certain things that should be non negotiable when it comes to relationships. so here is my list:
1. I want to be respected all aspects.
2. I want to be appreciated and valued.
3. I dont want to be the one filling a void. whether that be because you are lonely, because you dont know anyone else in the area, because you are suffering from a break up whatever the reason. no thanks.
4. I do not want to be just another number on your belt. arrogance is never an attractive quality.
5. I dont want someone who is hanging out with me out of spite. Whether that is to spite your sister, your mama, your neighbor, your former girlfriend, your ex-wife or your 5th grade crush, etc. count me out.
6. I want something real.
7. I want someone who can make me laugh verse crying all the time.
8. I want someone who will love me for me. both the inside and out.
now for those of you who are going to say.. she must be looking now, or that it will happen sometime i never said i was looking, im just saying in relationships in general there are certain things none of us should comprise. that's my list what's yours?

good bye Mr. Walker

dear Johnnie,
well hello dear friend. It has been a long long time. I am sad to be writing this to you as this means you will be officially out of commission. For the past 170 years you have been in lives of so many Americans and those around the world. making a difference one way or another. Think about how many people have been laid because of you? how many people got the courage to shake their money maker because of you? for me personally you have made a difference. Remember that night with the shoes? yep that was your doing. The time when i fell down the stairs, or let people take pictures of me in bushes. that was all you. Every weekend for years you helped create some laughs. (not to mention some killer after parties)Then of course there were the not so pleasant times. funerals, tragedy, heartbreak and loss you helped with all that even if it was only temporarily. So, Mr. Walker all good things must come to an end and so to that i say good bye to you. thank you for the memories both good and bad. It was all quite a ride.

the past few very long days

the past few days have been a whirlwind for me. I have spent the past two weeks or so very scared. i have have literally been weathering some uncertain times.yep i have some potentially major life changing issues. I'm sick.. and though prognosis is good.. the reality is I'm really sick not the chronic pain that i usually deal with, not the run of the mill cold. what it is doesn't matter and until i know how things are going to go i don't even want to talk about what it is. There are going to be people who read this ( since i know you cant get enough of me )that will say I'm sure.."why didn't you tell me?" and I am probably going to make some people mad by the fact that i have left them in the dark. The truth is there are several reasons i have left a lot of people in the dark. One I have been in denial. There are only four moments in my life i felt like i had been suckered punched and truly couldn't breathe. this was one of those moments. when that happens to me it is like i literally cant speak or think I'm a mere zombie going through the motions. Then there is the fact that I am given my personality by design a stubborn and and independent person. I have always tried to do things myself even when that seem illogical to most ( and sometimes it does border on the irrational). and let precursor this by saying I am not openly criticizing most people.. nor is this going to be a rant about how person A, B, and C, (and E, F, G) suck. I promise i have a positive point that I am getting to eventually. So.. the question I found myself asking is why if you are facing your own immortality wouldn't you want to tell everyone you see? well, people are always the greatest creatures on the planet is why. (despite what our egos may tell us). I guess I don't want people around me who are there because they think others may notice if they are not. I'm not interested in my weakness glamorizing your ego. i don't want support from someone who is there so that the boast at church. People in crisis (and this goes beyond me) deserve genuine and sincere compassion and empathy. Call me crazy. Again I'm not saying everyone who doesn't know every detail isn't empathetic. Then of course there are those who you do let your guard down with and act with such disregard. Case in point.. there was someone who i told recently all that was going on .. and there was response was "wow.. that sucks but I'm busy see ya later bye." really? Then there was another nameless face who found out and said literally.."yeah i don't want to talk about you so back to me." this isn't the point where I want to be treated with reckless malice disregard and rudeness. thank you. I am good. So..it is those minority of people and yes i know that they are the minority that make it difficult to share life altering news with anyone. cause who wants to be hurt by people they call (or that call them friends?) Now for those of you that are saying.. is she talking about me? does she think she doesn't matter to me? doesn't she know that i have 3 young kids to take care or a husband or a job etc?? stop analyzing what i am saying and just listen. empathy is a skill and well some people do not have the mental health capacity to understand empathy much less be able to practice it.So yes there are certain people you can not expert much out of. Secondly, someone said to me a few weeks back you cant expect people to be perfect. Yeah i do know that. I don't expect people to be perfect and everyone at some point is going to let you down. i get that. We are all fallible. Nor do i expect you to leave your toddler on the side of the road or never to talk to your spouse only to be at my beckon call. I'm saying when someone says they need you they probably do. being supportive can sometimes be done in the span of minutes. Now i also want to say that i know I am loved. There are several people who have been so supportive and that is awesome and I am totally humbled by that fact. we all get hurt by people and sometimes we do mean things or we treat others with hostility because we have been hurt. ( i promise these two stories are related) I was one of those people. Someone did something awful to me so i in turn was a jerk, and treated some people that i loved ones i call friends with disregard. it was horrible and it was wrong. Well, in the midst of all my crazy medical stuff going on my friend died. He was only in his 30's and now a wife is left to grieve two teenage boys are without their dad. There was no warning. He wasn't reckless it was simply his time. I never did get around to saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry i wasn't there, I'm sorry i said those awful things or treated you with such cruelty. I'm left with that guilt, and i am sure he would or has forgiven me but that isn't the point. Life is short. Life is precious and life is random. Any of us could go tomorrow. ( I am not saying I am going tomorrow.. besides I'm quite the fighter) you don't want to be left with the guilt of not being there when someone asked for you. treat others with kindness respect and compassion. These are things you should do not for attention or recognition but because God has shown you mercy and grace. The world is full of enough sadness why not try dishing out some hope? I am lucky enough to know Jesus, and have an abundance of love from the majority of people in my life. Not everyone who is dealing with a serious medical issue is as lucky or blessed as I am . You never know when or where or how God wants to use you to bless someonelse. just something to think about.

welcome to my world

hello. welcome to my newest blog. If you have met me or read some of my writings then you know that i really enjoy writing. It is truly one of my passions. i feel as if it is meant to be my calling. so.. what do you need to know about me? I'm quirky, uncoordinated, goofy and totally serious. (too much so at times). idk what this blog will bring but my hope is that you will enjoy my perspective on life. there may be some serious moments, some light hearted moments and everything in between. don't be afraid to say hi and maybe we can learn from each other.
blessings and let the fun begin xoxo