just wanted to let you know

Its 6:48 and I cant sleep. nothing new but I was up and talking to a friend goofing around thinking of ways to get into mischief and then I got some very sad and shocking news from someone I admire and look up to and have for years. Ok.. let me back up for a minute when I was little I had two best friends ( and im going to apologize because there may be some typos it has been a crazy night/morning) anyways, Corey and Margaret were my two best friends. Some of you may know these stories some of you may not.
Margaret was 8 years old, one summer day when I ironically was supposed to be with her she was in a store in north Minneapolis. She needed to use the rest room. She excused her self to the back of the store and it was unknown toher mother until later she was kidnapped, beaten, raped, sodomized and drowned.
Corey Chase as many of you know was my best friend as well and he and several other young people were hit by a train and killed on impact.

Im not telling these stories to upset or shock you nor am I writing to vent about the judicial system and all its inequalities. Losing your closet friends leaves a permanent hole in your heart and maybe its never really healed. Maybe I am just an extremely compassionate person. Some mistake that as being pushy and I am head strong. Some would say its annoying and maybe it is. i dont know but here is what I am getting at. And let me say this: This is by no means a lecture. ok back to what I was getting to if you are reading this Im assuming it is because we are friends. Whether it is loss, compassion, empathy, or sensitivity that caused me to be this way doesnt matter. I love my friends with my whole being. its who I am. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. Without my friends I dont know where I would be or who I would be. On the broken road that I have traveled (and the road has had more cracks than one can imagine) it was by the grace of Jesus that I had friends would help carry me. The point is when your heart breaks so does mine. When you are torn, and lost there is a part of me that is torn and lost. And today my heart does ache. Awful things happen as they will. So many of my friends are going through so much right now, and hurts me so much. Not because I feel sorry for you but because I love you. Im sorry that there is so much pain. But I want you(and the you applies to those friends of mine that are hurting today but also when hurt comes down the path) to know that Im here. I wont give you any terrible cliches because to be honest I dont believe most of them. I Won't tell you God will never give you more than you can handle because im not sure I buy it. I wont tell you that everything happens for a reason because I know reason is hard to find in the darkest tragedy. I dont always know what to say but im there to listen. Honestly, when you are going through the darkest valleys you, we, dont have to say anything. If you need a shoulder to cry on I am there. Now this isnt a speech or me nagging anyone but God didnt put you on this planet alone for a reason. I truly believe we are God's gift to each other. You know in which form an Angel will show up (im not saying Im an Angel)There is no shame or weakness in asking for love and prayer. You would be surprised at how many people pray for you anyways (and not just in your time of need). Seriously though when troubles arrive I there fighting in your corner. whatever is going on there is nothing to be ashamed or embarassed of. Whether it is to be strong and silent, tell you my terrible jokes, bring you one of my awful burnt casseroles, hold your hand as we ask for Jesus, be an advocate, whatever Im there. All you have to do is ask. well I am have been will continue to pray for my friends anyways. Im not always the perfect friend but Im giving it my best. oh..P.S. even at your worst you still look beautiful to me.
one last thing, i didnt write this to embarass anyone, nor do I want anyone to think this is about feeling sorry for you. its just about love.

Christmas isnt over

So its the day after Christmas.. and all though the house not a creature is stirring except for me of course. Im not sure how long this will be since im supposed to be writing an article on Cross Country Skiing in MN. (lol..I know what do I know about xcountry skiing?) Anyways, so for the past few weeks I can admit I have been a bit of a scrooge. I hate christmas. I always have since I was little. Wait..let me clarify..its not Jesus..it is how trivial the holiday has become. I hate crowds, I hate watching people push each other and shove each other all for the sake of a toy. It becomes a contest of who can give the biggest and best present. call me crazy but thats a problem. I have heard people cry because they didnt get the present they wanted. I have heard people tell others they dont want the present they are given. It makes me especially sad when I see people who have been loyal are forgotten about. feelings this year like every year have been really hurt and Im not saying anyone in particular but talking in general. It has become all about ME (not me but you know what i mean) and less about others. It never ceases to amaze me that some people are always on the receiving end and others are always giving unconditionally. I seriously was about to boycott christmas and go hibernate some where till next year.
But then I realized after talking to my friend Wes that yes christmas makes me crabby but its hard for me to complain this time of year because I got all I ever needed. I have good friends to have great conversation with and a whole lot of love. what else could I ask for? I guess i just wish that people would understand some things about Christmas:
Ok first off You cant out buy the greatest gift we have given. You can spend all the money in the world and you can race to every store but you will never surpass the gift of a King. Jesus is the best, most priceless gift we are lucky enough to have received.
Second, the best gifts do not come in traditional packages. Think about it NO ONE expected that a baby born in an old smelly manger would save humanity
Third, it is not about the gift you give but rather the heart you give it with. A gift given with love is special beyond measure and should be cherished. So despite my frustration im going to do my best to keep giving because God loves a cheerful giver.
I have heard people say things like: "this is the one day I go to church." or "its christmas, the one day i have to be nice and polite." "Its the one holy day of the year." Well why cant everyday be christmas? We should be celebrating the birth of Christ everyday because with out it we were doomed. His birth, His life, His Resurrection are ever lasting and they arent just for us on one day. We should be treating each other with kindness and respect and giving gifts of love every day, not one day of the year.
just a thought-love you :)

birthday reflections

good morning..with being a year older, and the year coming to the end i thought it was time to reflect again What a year it has been. I have got to be honest it was not the best year for me or so many people i know. For starters i figured it out and I spent over 3 months in the hospital this year. 3 months!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you very much H1N1, cancer and kidney disese. oy. If I wasnt in the hospital I was sitting because I could barely breathe. what else happened? Well I lost my best friend. I lost my family and rediscovered my family in the same breath. I was beyond hurt and betrayed. It gets tiring. Break ups, stupid boys, and girls that are quick to sell you out for stupid boys. some people say you have to move forward and I get that but there is a huge differnece between acknowledgement and acceptance. You can accept things and acknowledge they hurt your feelings.

This has not been a year of all bad. There have been some laughs. a lot of laughs. my baby is home where he belongs. I am offically off oxygen and yesterday my middle name could have been happy feet because I couldnt stop dancing. ugly sweater, sparkly shoes, hospital robe and all and if you think I wasnt dorkishly dancing around my house the way I only could you dont me very well. This year I met some great new friends.had many great adventures working on various projects. I found out who really loved me (and who never has). I was reunited with old friends. Love doesnt always show its self when we want it but is always there when you need it in all kinds of forms. I beat breast cancer (and you cant even tell that I had a masectomy)I graduated college. (3.78 even though I had 90 days in a hospital bed).

It may not have all been good but its another year in my life. You cant complain when you get to be here another year. You never know when your time is up so if God wants you here for somemore time that must be a good thing. I look forward to making my dreams come true this next year.and I look forward to sharing it with you. I gaurntee there will be some laughter, hopefully the freakish and bizaire accidents will be kept to a minimum.(although we figured out I end up averaging an accident a year..so we will see). There will probly be some more tears but definetly some ugly sweaters along with shoes and glasses only I could rock. So..fasten your seatbelts and get ready.

I got several cards in the mail yesterday. all of which made me smile. (thanks J)but one of them said something that should apply to you as well. ok, this will only make sense if you know my love for shoes (all things really) that sparkle. Between my shoes and my neon glasses you could see me from space but This is what he wrote:

"To the dorkiest and most clumsy girl I know: I dont know when you became so beautiful and amazing but you did it. I hope next year you take a few more chances and have more good times then bad. What I really want for you is to sparkle and be bright like those dang ugly shoes and glasses you wear."

lol..got to love my friends. Some people would be offended but I am the first to make fun of myself and I know that I am clumsy (how many people do you know stab themselves in the eye with a crab leg and squirt hydracortisone cream in there eye all w/ in 24 hours or break their foot because they are hopping around..lol)and I know my style is uinique and something that isnt for everyone but isnt life about standing out?
That is all I for now..till next time.xox

daily dose of me

well good morning...its time for another installment of yours truly. Big suprsise but right this second here is whats going on..its 5 Am and one of my oldest friends is getting married tomorrow and yes I am still awake, and naturally in addition to being sleep deprived, I am wheezy (of course one day forward and 7 back)having a lupus flare and over all feel very blah and of course when the dog ate my glasses and i ripped my contacts I became pretty much blind, and using my old glasses im seeing double which happens to be exaggerated 10 fold right now but it is ok because i wouldnt be sitting here talking to you otherwise. The way i see it (ha no pun intended)sleep is for the weary but when 12 hours from now I am in tears it will be in part to sleep depravation. So I read a study today in a magazine about blogging. It turns out 98% of people who read blogs dont comment even when they know they have permission to do so. It said people need frequent permission and reminders to comment. It suggested that it is a way for many of us to fullfill our unending need for gossip and information all while remaining annoymous.. the studying calls it lurking but to me that word is like something the creepy neighbor would be doing at this hour..so we will just call it browsing. So the study says serious bloggers (like myself.. you cant see me semi smiling/squinting/rolling my eyes because I am kidding. i dont take myself too serious, well most days or atleast right now) are suppose to give people permission to browse and comment. So.. please browse away, comment away I value your voice in conversation.. :)
so today some other things have come to my mind as yesterday they come in a list (if you dont know this by now I have lists for everything..and I mean EVERYTHING.. and even some lists of lists)and well like my dad says sometimes I cant just say a word or two..ok pretty much all the time I cant say a word or two but hey its all part of my charm. but so here is the lesson of today:

There are always people who love you even you dont know them and it is never too late to reconnect. The term stranger is relative.

Family matters and full house never get old for me. John Stamos and Jaleel White are dreamy, and these shows even at 520 AM make me giggle.

Sometimes I giggle and giggle and giggle some more and then become slighty irrational the next minute. I sometimes get super excited and even talk so fast i make my own head hurt. But hey even the greatest people in the world have mood swings. Again, i like to say its part of my natural charm

I really love diet code red mtn.dew. I mean really really love it.

Sometimes even I am quiet, and may not have something or anything to say. and it bugs when people think just because I am quiet that there is something wrong or that I am upset. sometimes I want to gather my thoughts. It also bugs me when people say but I know you. Look not even I can predict when I feel go into hush mode. even the biggest blabbermouths have the right to silence.

I know what my problems are ... I could make a list and well my list would probly be ten times longer for myself then you could ever make so please lay off. please.

I upset someone last night..didnt mean too..they jumped to conclusions and made assumptions that i was holding something back.. i wasnt..but what i realized is sometimes for some people i have to be overly specific

If you are going to continue to be my friend (not anyone specific person but the metephoric you)then you need to support my mission. (and what mission doesnt matter and mission is somestimes i.e. for goals) To do that you may need to step out. (out where doesnt matter because again its about the metaphor)

There are some people and sometimes when I have been more than compliant and well even I have a right to get fed up...patience is a virtue but even the patient hearted can get pushed to their limits.

Some people have a strange way of expressing love..its not good or bad. it just different and well i need to work on accepting that.

I lose things..a lot and i mean a lot. So not my favorite thing about me.

Ever since I was little I have kind of been a chamelon.. (and not in terms of my relationship w/ you but in terms of myself) little did I know (or maybe i did but never wanted to admit) that it causes a lot of people agitation, frustration and disappointment. again working on it..

So earlier today I was really frustrated..because I saw a girl who was living my life. No, i wasnt a victim of literal identity theft but more of the figurative kind. She was hanging with my friends, watching the shows i watched, taking the vacation that i wanted and had planned on taking. At first I was really mad, and then I was really sad and i wanted to cry:"hey what about me?" but i didnt..not because i didnt want to but because i realized that when I was that girl I didnt like who I was. I wasnt allowed to be me. I was literally the overweight brunette sidekick in the blondetourage. I was the sidekick I didnt want to be. and I dont want to be sidekick again.. maybe I want to and deserve to and should be the star of the show verses the girl on the sideline..even if that girl did have great glasses. So the new brunette can have the blondtourage because feeling unworthy, betrayed, unloved, unpretty well those are all yucky (i spend to much time w/ kids) feelings and anyone who needs to make others feel that way on purpose is not someone I need around. No thank you, and I used to be worried that my life would be nothing w/o being that cheerleader, and I even cried because i thought id have no friends would never go out again. i know ridcoulous right? but the truth is I have amazing friends in amazing places and I wouldnt trade them in for anything. For a minute I was so mad i thought about driving the 12 miles to throw my shoe around once or twice..but I have found that the best recipe for revenge in life isnt to get in a fight the way only i could and the kind that only be worth or royalty or a super heroine. rather the best recipe for revenge is to go out and live your best life possible full of laughter and love..
So.. someone asked me why I put on my best poker face in terms of myself. Truth is I dont know, it used to be feed the blondtourages ego even if it meant hurting myself..some of it is perfectionism..sometimes it is easier to lay down and play dead then to roll over..sometimes i worry that i will hurt A's feelings or this person's feelings or that person's feelings the point it is it doesnt really matter because i was finding reasons to not be the person I am and was suppose to me all along. There is no hiding anymore.. this is me.. this is who I am.. where I have been and where I am going and you have your talents and i have mine and it is ok that they are different. perhaps each of us should assume our rightful throne (not to the point to where you making an idol of yourself) rather get out there take a chance and be excellent in all God has loveingly blessed you with.
So.. there were some hurt feelings today, and i even made my brother cry..more than once. Now you know I love Chris and would never make him cry intenionally and while i feel terrible about it the truth is even for him the truth hurts. For the first time maybe ever I have made an effort to get out there..to live my life maximize my potential rather than minimize it..put myself first..make healthy choices..be an overall well rounded person. I have spent a lifetime literally making lists, taking care of others, trying to be perfect, avoiding the truth, watchiing others live their lives wishing i was. (even though I have known all along) Part of being well rounded is being getting out their being vulnerable and experinceing new things.There is value in stepping out of your comfort zone. There is so much of the world I want to see. I want to go to plays, museums, and bollywood movies. I want to shake hands with a stranger, volunteer, listent to poetry take a walk (ok.. well the walk is stretching it but you get the idea). I feel like i need to make up for lost time.. I have spent a lot of time missing out.. not that the view isnt enjoyable from the sidelines because I dont want you to feel sorry for me. I just know that some people have lost valuable time in their relationships because they are stuck inside. I cant think of how many times when I have followed chris around more then my toy poodle ever could insisting that he go out and do something and just suck it up and deal with it. More often then not he ends up having a great time even when it was something he didnt think he could or he didnt want to do. Now my dad says some people are homebodies and life to be comfortable and i shouldnt be pushy (hey pushy is in my nature)One of my best friends will tell you it is because she has anxiety, A..and D and well tons of others will be quick to tell you they dont have money, they work full time, have kids, go to school, have to run mom's taxi full time, they have husbands (or exe's).. the list is never ending, and well my list of who labels and relations is never ending too. Sometimes I feel like the ring master trying to juggle a bad version of the circus. I am not suggesting you move across country, or stand up on stage naked, I am not talking about spending tons of money.. I am talking about doing something different everyonce in awhile. Something out of the hum-drum of life. Not that there is not value in routine, because I have met some of my favorite people doing things that are familiar and comfortable. Yet being comfortable has gotten me into a lot of trouble.. and I am bored..not with you but with the same old.. Truth is I love you, if I didnt I wouldnt hope for you to have the best life possible expereinces and meet the best people and have as much exposure to culture and richness as possible. For some people this is the a huge barrier in our relationship. sad but true.. and when you dont push yourself to have a good time you end up doing yourself a diservice believe me i know. Im not saying do something you dont want to do.. This whole cultural exposure, being vulnerable and stepping out of the square thing yeah im working on it too. Its not about me talking down to you or telling you what to do more just telling you how i feel and what i want for you.
If you want to be happy, if you want to meet new people, if you want to be a sucuess you cant wait for things to come to you, believe me i know. A psychiatrist once said (and not my shrink) its not about making huge leaps and bounds its about getting out of the darkness of the basement. Open up the curtains and let some sunshine in.. you will be suprised at hour lovely it can be even if you are risking sunburn. thats all i got..im a hot mess..wait so are you.. I guess that is the beauty of humanity. with that i say good morning.

bill gates plus me (sorry its long)

hello friends, so remember when I made that commitment to write everyday.. yeah well we are going to try this again.. it still amazes me that H1N1 has taken so much out of me.. the doctor said it would.. but still. There have other reasons I havent written. Honestly a lot of crap has gone down (which for me doesnt it always) and well it has caused writers block. I have been honestly and you know I keep it real.. been walking around in a cloud of yuck..illness (duh) family and just over all uncertainty has really taken its toll on my spirit. In away though it was a good thing because I realized I needed to go back to basics. Not worrying about others rather doing the things I like for me and because I like them. There are hobbies and things I had wanted to do but never did because people said you cant do that or I was worried what the product would look like and well when your dad is an international artist and your family members are Grammy winners and things its alot of pressure to live up to. However like we say to preschoolers art in any form is not about the product rather the process. and the process is and will continue to be very therapeutic and well fun. Also, I got to be honest i recently found out that I have way more readers and well while I am happy its a lot pressure.. so i needed to take a step back and sometimes all writers suffer from writers block.. but here we are back to business.
So much has happened the good the bad the past few weeks and well here is some of the things I had to relearn: One God does really answer prayers.. but it may be something you dont really want after all. It is funny how you can pray for someone to return and within days you realize that their return was the last thing you needed. Two: Every one at some point should follow the advice of my favorite gal Wendy Williams and at some point call relationships for what they are and move on but it is AMAZING when you just finally realize someone is not worth your time. That being said I am all about spreading cheer (most days) and well I wish those of the past wellness and laughter but I am moving on.. have to. This is my life and I need to live it for me and well im sorry if that upsets you. Thirdly, some people will always be paranoid and they are who they are and we all look for people to blame when often times it is the wrong person I am just saying and well that makes me really sad. For the record while I am not perfect but I am also not the one to blame for your mom or your dad or whoever treated you badly. and Nor am I thief. just had to put that out there. I guess just please dont lie to me and i wont lie to you. A united front is much more effective to problem solving. I also, owe some of you an apology.. there are some people who think that my last blog was way harsh and out of character, and well you are right.. it was harsh but you know what sometimes even I can have an angry moment and i put myself out here so it is not all going to be candy canes and lemon drops but somethings will always make me fired up..domestic abuse for example not something i take with a grin.
Which leads me to this next topic.. ever since I was little before they asked the obvious question of where you adopted the first comment made by everyone from teachers, friends, coworkers, strangers, etc was " Carmen is so nice", followed by the adoption questions and why does she procrastinate etc... I am a nice person. atleast I try to be. but dont mistake my niceness for being weak or as a suggestion that I lack spunk and tenacity. Im just saying I will tell you how it is and I will not tolerate people insulting me on issues the fail to acknowledge or understand. I have heard a lot of negative stuff about me and while I dont really care I need to explain somethings to you.. a friend or as he would say an acquaints and that is a whole other rant, but he said Carmen sometimes you are very pushy and bossy. He says you really push yourself on people. ok point take I can see that maybe true.. but If I ever seem like Im being pushy then you know what it is because I love you and I want to spend time with you. There are alot of you to love and I just hate losing anyone, and for some of you E and a cousin or two included if I didnt shout you out i could fall off the face of the planet and you wouldnt know..and that makes me sad.. and I kate says or I was having a convo. w/ D about another person who doesnt get that life is busy with children. Hunny I get it.. I do have a child I have custody (I know big shock) of I have members of my family to deal with and doing the whole working/writing/freelancing thing/ and not to mention I four eyes that dont work right now, 1 boob, 3 ureters, kidney disease and lungs that dont think breathing is a necessity. so i get it but what I am saying is you cant hang out dnt want to fine/ but atleast let me in when things are going haywire because if nothing else my mind and my voice work and I know how to pray. Yes, sometimes I am bossy for example when I tell Chris he needs to eat veggies, or insist that A talk to someone about getting support from those that are their to help. Its all because I love my friends and family and I just want you to have every opportunity you can. Then someone else that when I am writing I used really big words in an effort to show that I am smarter than everyone else. Wrong.. since I was 4 years old I made lists from the dictionary..words are my thing and it isnt to prove I am or am not smarter than you or that I know more. I just like words and if you feel like I am talking down to you I am really not trying to do that. Someone else said I lack ambition which I find funny, This person mind you has failed to use his God Given talents. I have known where I was going and what I wanted since I was 4, and I may not always share my dreams with you b/c hey i think I put enough of myself out there. but guess what? How can you same I lack ambition when you dont ask what my goals are? I think to many times in life we make quick judgements about others when we NO room to talk but also are judgments are just assumptions and assumptions are often negative wrong and based on few facts. So I guess you need to know if you feel like being negative.. go for it .. because I enjoy proving the haters wrong. You make me want to work that much harder so thank you for that. So.. I am proud of who I am I am proud to be a college graduate, I am proud to be an accomplished artist I know where I am going and who I am going to be I know where I have been and I know for me great things are to come. Got to work on that mansion for Sherri and I.. lol. So I hope you are on board and willing to be supportive. I remain confident it may take me a little longer than others would like.. I may have had to struggle more than others and it may not have been your path or destiny but it is mine. but great things are coming. In all seriousness there are a few people and you know who you are who have really been my angels through these stressful and sad few months. even when we cldnt see each other you loved me from afar. When I wanted to run away and had nothing you where there.. you really saved me and gave me focus you may not have been who I expected but you where the angel I needed so THANK YOU!!

I know this is long but i found this when I was making my dedication board.. my former boss gave it to me a long time ago... Bill Gates Spoke to high school students a while back and this is what he had to say:

rule 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it.
rule 2: The world wont care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.
rule3: You will not make 60,000 a year right out of highschool. You wont be Vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
rule4: If you think your teacher is tough Wait till you get a boss.
rule5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents called it opportunity.
rule6: If you mess up it is not your parents fault. so dont whine about your mistakes learn from them.
rule7: Before you where born you parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way by paying bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents generation try delousing the closet in your own room.
rule8: your school may have down away with winners and losers but life has not.
rule9: Life is not divided into semesters. You dont get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. do that on your own time.
rule10: Television is not real life. In real life people have to leave coffee shops and go to jobs.
rule 11: Be nice to nerds chances are you will end up working for one

day 1

so I told you yesterday I was going to start writing everyday for a month. so here we are. I am also by the wall if you dont know this I am obsessed with quotes. So I am revealing a quote everyday too.
"destiny is not written by us, rather created by us"- Barack Obama
I want to say Im sorry in the other blog if you think I was being harsh. It is just alot that was on my mind and it was much less hostile in person. I know I made some people feel bad but i think sometimes the truth hurts us. all we can do move forward and be the best we can be. All the crap that was so negative that I was feeling so run down by it that it was taking away from the people and things I love. So I am going to focus on my writing. hence the blog since I am tryingto write every day.
So yesterday i was watching a conversation and I was amazed. There was a girl i thought knew. funny thing is yesterday she had know idea who i was. which was whatever. but the thing is too many of us spend too much time spending trying to get to know the "cool people" and not enough trying to get to nice people. if someone doesnt look like us or isnt pretty or doesnt fit into our "group" we act like they dont exist. Whether you were fat like me (for those who say shes been harsh lets keep it real.) or because you are handicap, black, white, tall, short, gay whatever. Maybe today say hi to that person in the corner or the one you dont know. when you base love and friendship on beauty on vanity you are doing yourself a disservice. there are a lot of good people out there who do nothing but joy and happiness to your life. just something to think about.
happy days xox

its a new day

been awhile since ive been here, needed to do this for awhile but well have just been under the weather still.yes still. A few days ago, someone told me I had lost my spark. yeah well they were right. lets be honest these days im taking a bit of the cynic's approach. well and there is a lot to be unhappy about. like what you might ask. well lets see today a beautiful girl was murdered after some sick agenda was pushed. still sick. the doctor today said congrats you could be sick for months. someone else I know is going to be homeless soon. didnt call any of my friends i had set aside today specifically to call. sorry kates and nic and chels. then the past few days people have managed to particapte in my three biggest pet peeves. imagine that when i dont feel good. ok pet peeve number 1: I cant stand it when people stand me up.i hate it. it drives me nuts. its rude and annoying. its worse when you dont call all day and then you are going to brag about what a great day you had. really??? but should i expect anything less from you? no need to answer my own question. Pet peeve #2 I cant stand when people hang up on me. I hate it too. it is also rude and annoying and disrespectful of someone you "like". Why cant you say im sorry this conversation isnt going well. got to go. again should I expect anything less from someone who spends one day being polite and 30 days being a royal dick? lesson of the day..even the most confident appearing person needs to recognize and accept being alone. Third pet peeve. People who have their hand out contiously. remember when i said it was rude and obnoxious? yeah all that stuff applies here too. You have had your hand out even when there isnt anything to hand out yet. but youre right there. further more you are the first the very first to hand off your responsiblities and your "priorities" to someone else. even worse.. you fail to say thank you. again no need to be shcoekd because its you. well and all three of you are who you are and thats no changing anytime soon. still annoying though.
next reason to be unhappy ( i told you there was alot) it bugs me almost as much as the other three reason above when you try and compete with me. I connect with someone.. so you need to try and prove yourself and your friendship too and whatever if this was the first time but the truth is its everytime you are introduced to someone by me. even people who know you dont like them find it odd that you are giving them your number after i tell them to call me. I get it that you are worried that maybe im going to have a connection that you are not a part of ( and for the record that is ok, you dont need to be part of every aspect of my life) and i get that you have low self esteem. totally understandable. but really? im a quirky girl. there are certain things I do or say or listen to that make me. You need to find those things about you because they do exsist.
and then there is you. You came and I thought you were this amazing person. we had fun together. I told everyone how you were different then them. Then naturally things changed. The lies, the not wanting to be ambitious and a leader for the sake of others, going out of your way to say mean things to me and just when I was about to forgive you ( as im trying hard not to hold grudges) you did that. To go out of the way to hurt someone you love is disgusting. unlike everyone else I cant pretend that its ok, or it didnt happen or you dont deserve for me to punch you square in the mouth or throw my shoe at you.
Then there is this woman. all these people think she is super sweet, and super hip and super cool. they brag about much fun she is, and call her all the time etc. etc.they come up here and she is the first one they run too. great. yet they cant see what an awful person she is. Never mind the fact that she is a leech. She has sucked you out of hundreds of dollars and has no problem doing it. She has stolen from people, abdanoned the ones she shouldnt and well made it her mission to continue to screw me over and make my life a personal hell even though I am hardly the one you should be pointing fingers at. which poses the question.. why do people do that? take the meanest nastiest people and worship and put them on that much of higher of a pedastool? the least deserving people we admire and the ones that are loyal and do deserve it we ignore. fail to take responsiblity and people will think youre great. ugh. ugh.
Then there is you who is so afraid of becoming that women who was so awful and did all those terrible things to all those people. guess what? you are her. you are so her from your looks to your awful and I do mean awful personality. The very fact that you think I would talk to that crazy lady or the very fact that you would make lies to make yourself look good, or the very fact you would say those things to your sister makes you that woman. Im really sorry that someday you are giong to be a very lonely person. while i am trying not to hold grudges everyone has put up with you for too long.
feeling cynical yet?? then there are my friends. People you should be able to count on. let me say Im sorry for all those people who are going to say I cant believe she is calling me out, or oh why would you say that, or oh here is my excuse, or oh was it even about me? first of all I will tell you why I blog and why I am the way I am. I keep it real. I try and tell it like it is. For to many years I didnt and I was the nice girl and I was the sweet girl that wasnt going to tell because what if it hurt your feelings and then that would be my fault that your feelings were hurt over something you did. Newsflash: That is not the way this show runs anymore. If you upset me, you are going to know and well im sorry if that upsets you. I try and be honest and I dont think I do it in a way that is disrepectful and too bitchy. like I said to my dad tonight dont get me wrong I am a bitch but not to the point where it is too much usually. and if I abm blogging about you remember that usually (not so much today but usualy) you doesnt mean you. You is often a cultural reference. plus remember blogging is what i do to vent my frustrations out. with the exception of krista pat and kate and naj i dont really vent to people like I used to. Also remember that if im blogging about well then 99% you already know tonight is no exception. minus that boy. bottom line im sorry if you dont like but then dont read it. So back to this friends business.. im totally pissed and well of course i will tell you why. So I was in the hospital for 3 weeks you know the story that girl that almost died had multiple infections, was going to be put on a vent, intensive care and so on. now there are certain things i expect as in the other blog. One of those things is support and it pisses me off when you are my friend and you dont come and you dont even call and you are supposed to be my best friend or one of them anyways. You got the one that leaves a message like a month after I get sick. not knowing that i was in the hospital until a few days prior. Hello?? Then you have J and J. From the boy and the girl J you get nothing. not an im sorry thats awful get well soon. nothing. Then you have the other D who also knows and nothing. not only that but totally cool and then we find out some information that isnt even true especially now and you are going to act like 12 middle school boy. i mean really??
All of this has officially led me to say im done. Im done trying to figure out why my "friends" dont like me or are acting shady. for me the worst part is not knowing why. but thats something i need to deal with. Im done chasing you, sending you emails, txt, vm, that get no response. you dont want to talk to me? great i probly didnt want to nor need to talk to you. Im done worrying about what that wretch of a woman thinks about me. or why some people choose to assocaite with them after all the things they put everyone through. there are no more tears left for you . Im done trying to be nice to you because there is not a lot of us and we share a commonality. I cant do it. im done asking you to do stuff. i wont keep up an invite to be conitually disappointed. even though with you the good outwieghs the bad you are still on thin ice with me. you have a lot to learn about respect and valauing people and their time. You will also not be informed of when I make conections with people this I promise you, nor will Dec. be happening that is for sure and a definite. no way no how and well you wont really know. infact im done asking you to be supportive. especially when i see you doing it for other people.dont worry about it. finally Im beyond done with you two. The very fact that you would put your hands on anyone else is enough for me to be over whatever we had. and I am beyond done with you. afters years of unrelenting support this is how it is? there are no words.my hope is everyone learns humility, intregrity, respect and is able to take responsibilty for their actions.
so i told you there was alot to be sad about and very cynical for that matter. isnt there always though? anyways on friday after not feeling good, after not being able to see kelly, after being screwed in the worst way. after not being appreicated and given the worst advice I cried and cried and cried and sat in a parking lot and cried. it was horrible. then after some giggles and some sleep I woke on saturday and decided I was not going to feel bad anymore. I am done with the garbage and yucky people (i totally just pictured a mr. yuck sign in my head lol) im done waiting for expection compassion and sympathy where it can not come from. saturday and today I choose happy. You know what? there is a lot of love out there. for me. for you. for all of us really. im focusing on the people that love me. i want to focus on new friendships and new beginings. for how bad I felt on friday by weekend's end I was crying again. this time it was because I couldnt believe how many people really loved me and were praying for me. These are people who love me for who I am now and not because its convient for them or because they are new in town or dnt have anyone else. The best part is I take confidence in knowing they are sincere which hasnt happened in a long time. I am excited for new relationships (with certain people) new friendships new beginingings, new chances to take control and new chances to do what Ive always wanted to do but all the negitive junk was holding me back. not anymore. I hope that you all find the same. thank you.

life and death

So.. in case you are not aware the past few weeks have been kind of trying for me. I was sick. really sick. i had h1n1 (yes tested and confirmed) and every other infection one could imagine, and well I almost died. literally. In fact I was just released from the hospital after 3 weeks. Now for someone who is going to say well she must be exaggerating if i only I was. To have such an experience and to be so helpless is such a crazy thing. Now I have to say that I am very grateful to be alive. I also have to say that I have made several people cry with my attitude on all this. My intention is not to make anyone cry or to upset someone. Nor am I writing this for shock value. I am not pointing fingers at anyone more than I am myself. With all that being said I am mad well down right angry as a matter of fact. So there I am in the hospital obviously the sickest person there by anyone's standards. and you would not believe the number of phone calls I was getting. Why is this a bad thing? well its not. however here is my problem. A month or two ago despite my best efforts these were people who barely even noticed I existed. Despite my best effort and attempts at trying to get their attention and approval there was nothing. I could have fell off of the face of the planet and they would have just carried on. All of sudden they hear you could die and they are calling five times a day. They spend years ignoring you and never telling you they love you and now they cant tell you enough. Why do we that? Do even really care? Is out guilt? Is it our ego and if just cry a little and say I love someone maybe we justify our actions? I dont really know. Now dont get me wrong I am happy to hear that from these people now however the question that has risen in my mind: Will these people call me in a month or two and tell me the same thing or am I going to have to be on my death bed again? (which hopefully, Lord willing will not be happening anytime soon) Then there is the next group of people that upset me. You tell them you are sick and its critical and becomes a conversation of oh really? that sucks. I dont want people to be fake and be concerned because of their guilt or because they other people will be watching/listening however genuine compassion is always a good thing. How can you claim to be my friend and then not be interested if your friend almost dies? really? Then people would tell me about how they had this going on with their family or that going on or drama at work, etc. etc. In the grand scheme of things does the pettiness and drama really matter? I also am not insensitive to the fact that all of us have problems. While I was having issues one of my closet and most beautiful friends was dealing with a cancer diagnoses. Things happen and we all have problems. I am not the kind of person to expect you to drop everything during your crisis and come running to me. What I expect from you (which is what you should expect from me) is compassion and love. I think we can all do better at appreciating each other while we are here. The truth we are only promised today and thats it. So today you should tell someone you love them and that you care. Today is the blessing. The other thing is it shouldnt take almost dying for us to realize that there is so much to do in life and so much fun to have. Just know that even though I dont say it enough I love you and I am grateful for you. So go out rock your life and your friendships. With that being said I am off to think about how I want to make things different.

for all you control freaks

let me let you (or most of you)in on a little secret. I may be messy, and disorganized but I am a planner. Completely type A about alot of things. Since I was 3.5 years old I was making lists. lists of words in the dictionary.Lists of people who were always going to be my best friends, lists of who I was going to marry (and yes that often changed since I was known for being a serial dater) lists of where I was going to go school, when I was going to be a doctor (yes even at 3 I knew I was going to be a doctor one day..lol) the lists could go on and remain continuous. Even right now if I could plan every day for the next 8 years I would. Im an over analytical control nut, it just doesnt come out to very many people. So i thought I had it all figured out ( and sometimes still do think i have it all planned and calculated) My thought had/has/occasionally will be that if you work hard push yourself hard enough,or are willing to work and lay on that abundance of charm everything will go exactly how it should be according to list #292. What happens when it doesnt? What happens when your best friend is murdered by some idiot out seeking thrills, what happens when the thing you want in the entire world is gone in the blink of an eye and your left with the few miserable pieces? What happens when the person you trusted cant stand you for all the things you have done? What happens when the 2 or 3 people you never thought you would need to make a list about are set out with every intention on destroying you on every possible level? well the answer is simple God happens. You can make 10,000 lists and day dream about what you will be making for dinner in 2019 (ok.. so i wasnt that neurotic )but the point is at the end of a day those lists do not matter. God is control the car and he is working through his lists and plans and Im pretty sure that he knows what he is doing. The beauty of prayer and divine intervention is that while it can be surprising it is totally worth letting go of some of that control. not that letting go is totally easy. So the next time I find my self giggling like a school girl to nicole at 7 AM.. or find myself wrapped up in heart break or find myself loving someone again after all these years or one suddenly has surprise baby news.. or finds forgiveness down the road just remember God knows what he is doing and it is all based on love. So I literally am going to go throw some of those lists away and be pleasantly surprised by expecting the unexpected. thats it.. now time to throw those lists away and get ready to have a "dance party" with my brother.(which btw the I know you cant wait to see our video..lol) xox

thoughts on friendship

if you happened to see the pictures from last night, or received one of those late night calls well then you know i like to have fun and a good time. I love my friends but tonight I have a lot on my mind. I really do I love my friends and we have fun and while sipping sodas, watching movies a shot or 2 (or 3 or 4..or 5) is fun and all there really is more to friendship than that. Now i feel like ( and who knows when you consider how much i write) we have hashed this issue out before but lets do it again shall we? I know i have had this conversation with cousins, Krista, April, and N before but Some people are perfectly content with just having their friendships based around the party scene. or superficial things in general (some of this is based on the immaturity of J and M for example others such as S base this their friendships around partying because of vanity and ultimately self esteem issues). Call me crazy but I am not friends with you because of how much you do or dont like to party. Just like I am not friends with you because of what you do or dont look like. I dont care. I am friends with you because I like you for you, not for how many people you have made out with, what your waist size is or the color of your hair. I like you for who you are on the inside. Its annoying when people call me superficial because nothing could be further from the truth. Well and lets be honest because you know I am the type to call a spade a spade: My family sucks. hold the gasps for those of you who have known my family for years.. but its true. I dont have much family and the family i do have is crazy and does awful things (with the exception a couple of cousins) (thats a whole biography in and of itself) so I have had to rely on my friends for a sense of support. and part of being supported is giving support when it is needed. I can do that however when you dont let me. I want to be there, I want to have deeper connections with you but you have to make that choice to allow that to happen. It is very frustrating to have the want for that connection and you not wanting to allow it. For some ( and this is a very obvious few) it is because they are simply not capable due to mental health issues. Someone else i recently had this conversation with said it was because they were embarrassed and ashamed of the past or that there were worries of getting hurt since so many people had hurt them in the past. OK.. well let me just say that my friendship comes with a no embarrassment clause, no need to feel guilt or shame. The beauty of humanism is we are all flawed. Trust me I am no exception and I have done a lot of terrible things. No more than i expect to be judged do i judge you. I guess what i really need to tell you is that there are is beauty love forgiveness and mercy in Christ. Something to think about. While I am sorry for the things your ex wife said to you or how your father treated you it makes me sad that you are going to hold everyone who tries to enter your life responsible for the trespasses of others. I know it make come as a surprise but not everyone is out to hurt you. I know its scary to believe some people want to cherish you and respect you. There are people in life that want to raise you up. I can only do what I can and hope that someday you will see my love for you is real and unconditional. So.. at the end of the day know this: God loves you I think you are gorgeous, smart, amazing and full of potential. I love to party with you and hang out, I want to wear pjs and giggle about full house episodes but I also want to be the one you call in the middle of the night when you want to cry. I want to call you when I am looking through old scrap books and feeling the reality of heart break. I want to hold you hand when your sick, and your dad is dying. I want to be the one that you send out the S.O.S. to b/c you met an amazing guy or are in desperate need of some gel for that bad hair day.lol. I have told so many of you this before and it gets old repeatedly telling you this so just know I want to do all those things for you but I cant if you dont let me and I also cant continue to put effort into someone and get hurt. Nothing life is worth it if it doesnt involve some sort of risk and vulnerability. Sometimes our fear holds us back from amazing people and opprotunities and its really sad but often by the time we realize it its often too late. thats it.. im not sure there is much else i can say.

quirky is the new sexy..

did you know that I am probably one of the most uncoordinated people you will ever meet in your life? Once I fell (trying to do a summer sault) in a jumping castle and had to be rescued by a bunch of 3 year olds. ( who btw still talk about this and it has been almost 7 years) Once krista and I tried to used school glue (and then used pink duck tape) a mirror on moms car. it didnt work. I cant ride my little brother's 3 wheeled bike for me than a minute w/o falling off literally. Have i told you I cant tie my shoes or snap my fingers? lol.. I am obsessed with wonderwoman (really all super heros ) and hanson. I love lemons.. think pickles and cinnamon rolls are the best combo.I am known for asking people random questions at very strange times. I am a national scrabble champion who snorts when she laughs, has knocked more drinks off the table then I can count who listens to talk radio and loves to dance and sing opera around with my lil brother around the house. The list could go on and on and on. here is what I am getting at.. the other night in between catching up with some of my favorite friends new and old I got visit from another friend. I was doing my usual dancing around the house, contemplating cleaning my room (which never happened) and giggling about my superhero alter ego, when he sits on my bed looks at me and says.. "you are very strange." Now i was too happy to be irritated with him, but i did look at him with bewilderment. My response: "you are right I am strange. I am quirky, weird, hyper, eclectic, eccentric or how ever you want to see it but guess what? it wont be changing anytime soon." he looked and just shook his head. later he sent me a text and said i made him smile and he apologized. But seriously women in particular think they have to look a certain way, or behave a certain way. why? I have never been one to conform and I couldnt be happier about it. Being a step ford wife acting robotic in nature is not attractive. I refuse to feel bad about who I am and things I enjoy about my life. quirky is sexy. You being you is sexy. I think we need all celebrate our differences and uniqueness rather than pretending it doesnt exist. Bottom line this is me.. if you dont like it.. well plug your ears and cover your eyes cause Im still going to be singing and dancing.

ugh

im so irritated maybe in part because its 4 am and here I am awake again.. big shocker..and something really strange is going on with me but there are a lot other reasons why.. so here goes and yes some may apply to you some may not. so you may not in fact know who or what I am talking about.
#1 what i am really sick of is people judging others. ive been reading some comments some people have posted the past few days.. things like she is fat so she must be lazy, she is standing on a corner so she must be a whore. or he must a homeless lazy junkie. who do you (and yes you) think you are? what for one second would make you think that this is ok? usually people say stuff out of fear, ignorance or to get a reaction. imagine if you were homeless or had an eating disorder and someone was saying that kind of stuff about you. wow.. and let me just say for all you Christians and hey this is (obviously) only my opinion but I have always believed that Jesus isnt necessarily going to come to earth riding down on cloud in large grandiose fashion. I believe Jesus will come as that homeless man you ridiculing and snickering at.
#2 things are always in the eye of the beholder. what was a mere binder to you has infact become my entire world. what was totally ok with you to disregard contained the hopes and dreams of two people held together by a few facts. but hey dont worry about it because as we each worry about us and only us the world will be great right?
#3 perhaps one of the things that irritates me the most is this constant need for attention. now some may say well you write for attention..no I write because it is what I was meant to and well when you have lupus one of the parts of the body that is effected the most is your hands and typing takes less of a toll and hello.. have you ever tried to read my writing? so no i dont do it for you.. i do it for me and when you are passionate about something you should practice it. at any rate there is a girl who writes on her fb page how excited she is to see certain people. ok..great.. never mind when the right people arent looking you are screaming and yelling obscenities. ugh.
#4 Let me also say this if I am pouring my heart and soul out to you dont laugh..even if is something stupid.. and i do have a tendency to cry over funny things. I am a sensitive person what can I say? If im asking to come spend time with you it is because I care about you. Friends need to support each other and how can I support you if not given the opportunity? and let me just say.. to tell me when I am about to trust you with something personal to tell me you dont have time for me and my problems is just plain rude and disrespectful. People think that because I am a party girl who likes to have a good time or because i lead a certain way of life that you can talk to me in a way that is just plain rude. its very annoying. and for the record actions speak louder than words, and it is not ok not to apologize when youre wrong and just because you are having a bad day doesnt mean you should take it out on other people. Hey, maybe if you changed your attitude and treated people with more gratitude things will start to look better for you.
#5 trust is so important to me. You cant complain if I push you away when every time i try to let you in you shatter that trust. I am the kind of person that trusts you until you break my trust and when you do i am guarded... and will remain that way. You may not even know that i dont trust you. We may have seen things differently but we can move forward with guided caution. things will never be fully ok when it comes to you and I so dont get your hopes up.
#6So i get a call about an upcoming event. I tryto be polite and civil but the control nut in me wants to scream. So let me just say when I have put 20 years into something its hardly a casual investment. despite what you may think.. or want to tell yourself. and just because She may like you ( and why i dont know) does not mean for one second that I do. So keep doing what you do. or go fly a kite, climb a tree, or move to bora bora I dont care.

To answer a few questions that keep popping up yes constructing my website and it should be up soon.

bottom line I wish that people say the joy ( even though this blog didnt sound very joyous) in life that I see. Yes, that joy does apply to the homeless that look away from or the girl you judge. I remain hopeful that there will be someday when we reach a place where we treat others with respect and compassion. thats it. all for now. didnt mean to be harsh. we will certainly catch up soon. xoxox

just keep going

So i am going to be discreet and direct as I can. Let me just say that this is directed at me, and those few others who share a commonality. There are some of us who are dealing with a unique issue. It is an issue that is complicated and carries a lot of potential stereotypes and social, cultural, and personal implications. I guarantee each of you knows someone who is directly struggling. The things is you can have an a hold on something for years and then in a blink of an eye you are back where you started. You are not immune to your sword. no one is. ( and yes we all have them and if you think you dont denial is a huge sword for many people and some have more visible issues then others and I am way way way more candid than most) You are only Its not something easily likes to admit and well as with so many things it comes with a lot of judgements and misconceptions. I also think that ( and if you know me certainly in my case) we tend to be harder on ourselves than even our worst critics. perfectionism has long been a huge sword in my side. Ok.. heres where I am going: There are some things, many things I suppose that we all struggle with every single day. Some of those things are not a choice to avoid. Sometimes you may make a mistake or a misstep or regress whatever label you want to put on it. Sometimes we get caught up in the negative drama and people who make us feel unworthy even when they dont mean too. Sometimes we are rejected or over analyze the situation. whatever the reason why doesnt matter. Yet one thing I have learned is that we are not perfect and to struggle is a test of perseverance and character. without struggle there would be no need for hope or compassion. So.. from today on no tears.. no guilt.. no embarrassment..no shame.. no continued self sabotage. yesterday was in the past tomorrow is in the future and sometimes its important to acknowledge victories no matter how small in the moment. So dust yourself and as someone I admire once said "just keep going". Also, do not let other people shame you in to sabotage. Your worth and your accomplishments is not dictated with someone elses expectations. Another thing, do not be afraid to ask for help and encouragement and if people dont understand it is often due to their own insecurities and fears and lack of knowledge. There are more people willing to help than you may realize. As for me it's time to reconnect with the team. Someone once said we all have 50,000 coaches. I like to think that its 50,000 angels. point is look around and love is there. health and wellness isnt about perfection it is about doing the best you can asking for help and moving forward. love you.

lessons from the weekend

let me forewarn you this is alot to take in but what can i say..I'm a writer who has a lot on her mind. Let me also go on the pretense that who I talking about doesn't matter its the principal..and no not all these people are related to me.. and if you think you know who I am talking about you don't..oh and I wont tell you...

so there was a girl who by almost every one's standards was awful. She was pretty but thought she was the most gorgeous woman alive. She always said it was because she was blond and skinny..whatever. This girl an only child would often throw fits. Fits at work. Fits at home. Fits at clubs. She would cry and stomp her feet when she didn't get her away. She balled like a baby in a bar when a guy wasn't hitting on her. If you had a crush on a guy she'd be right there to take him away right in front of your face. This girl couldn't bring her to place of civility long enough to be there for her family during the most heart wrenching and joyous occasions. Yet despite it all this girl was my best friend.

There was a guy who by every one's standards flat out was a jerk. If he could use you he would and he wouldn't even blink an eye. He would flat out tell you to your face that he didn't like you and was using you.. and taking advantage of the most intimate situations to do so. but wait he was just kidding he really does love you.

There was a girl everyone thought was absolutely crazy ( and I mean that in the nicest ways) even the psychiatrists said there was little to be done other then medication. So naturally this person will often be heard calling her children (yes the ones that are suppose to be blessings) A**holes or brats for more then two hours she can be heard complaining about how motherhood was the worst job she has ever had.. sadly she is saying this to a person who going through intense fertility treatments just to have one baby and the chances of that happening are slim.

There were several girls that were saying nasty things about another girl. Because that is what 30 year old adults do. The girl was stupid, the girl was fat, why are you friends with her etc. etc. then of course there is that one guy ( or lot of guys) who happen to say wow this girl is hot.. she may be a bitch but man is she hot and thin.

I really needed help..it was a last minute thing.. there were some assumptions.. and to make a long story short help in either source never came.

A Man walks up to me says hello tells me he is a painter then proceeds to offer great "life changing" advice. yep.

There was a woman who could be heard telling her daughter that she was attractive.. and that she was as fat as her father who weighs over 400 pounds. Maybe the could even share clothes...but wait she wasn't trying to be mean

So since all this seemed to have happened in a short few days it got me thinking about somethings because hey that's what I do. I'm a thinker. So here are my thoughts.. the first being that people are who they are. There are certain people who are never going to change. It's not my fault. I cant fix them and I did nothing wrong. I spent too much time making excuses for people who are truly ugly and not well. I have spent too much begging pleading hoping they would change and trying to conform to their expectations. I would see one positive thing and that would take away the 1,000 things. I, you, we, everyone deserves to have friendships and relationships that are positive and filled with respect. Where as before every single day I was feeling bad.. because of someone Else's actions.

The second thing I learned is that when you need help.. real help and you cant find it.. if look hard enough it will come to you. There will always be that one who never lets you down. Thank you.

The third thing I thought about this weekend.. stop making assumptions and excuses. OK, let me be clear on this my world does not revolve around you. I don't spend time drooling over your hectic and busy schedule b/c I have my own. thank you. I am so sick of listening to people tell me they cant do something or go somewhere or help someone or be a friend (not you A) b/c they have children.. or because they have to hang with their boy friend or whatever. Ok.. children are a choice and a beautiful blessing that some of us would give anything to have. They are not a reason for you to behave like a jerk. You can be a mom or a girlfriend and still be fabulous and yes you can still be a friend. And I already know that someone of you (D) are going to be saying you dont get it you're not a mom so you can relate..im going to let you in on a little secret Ican totally relate and this is totally going to raise some eyebrows.. and I wont get into but there have been times in my life when I have had 2 kids in my care and that was while going to school.. and working.. I have a child I have to get up everyday too. Soon to be more than one child getting up everyday so I get it. life gets crazy and busy but at the end of the day when we lay down and talk to God we should be thanking God for our children and we should be confident in knowing that we were the best friend and neighbor we could be. When we mess up.. we should be willing to say hey Im sorry and take responsibility.

The next thing I was reminded of is when you talk badly about someone and gossip and spread awful rumors feeling get hurt and somehow that person always manages to find out. Here's the thing is you dont know who knows who.. so when you are talking bad about someone you could be talking to a friend or sister or neighbor of your target. Bad mouthing people is just disgusting and we are all guilty and we should try and avoid it. Here is what really bugs me.. One I have a huge problem when people say negative things about me when they dont even know me.. and what they do know about me you have heard when someone was mad at me or was venting their frustrations about me. Maybe your mad because Igot him first..or that my friend is your friend. I dont really know.. I do know im just going to keep being me Im a very direct person (w/ the exception of towards a few people) and if i did something to you call me out on it but how I could I have done anything to you since it has been years since I have even seen you.. but to talk your buddies about what a horrible person I am when your buddies are my friends and one a former bf what did you think would happen? Im just saying. Not cool.

This other girl came up to me and admitted that she didnt like me b/c she was jealous. She said was sick of me being in the spotlight, being on tv.. ok. What? im not quite sure what she was talking about but let me just clear up some things...and this is exactly what I told her. I have only been in 3 magazines.. and on tv 3 times...not going to Hollywood anytime soon.

OK.. here is yet another thing that has gotten to me and I am not trying to be cynical really I am not and I apologize for the satirical approach this has taken. But one thing that really bugs me and has happened since I can remember. Why if someone is mean and awful do we flock to them and think they are cool or hot just because they are thin? They can be dumber then a box of rocks (and remember Im talking in general terms) doesnt matter. We try to impress these people and these are the ones that we strive to have as friends.You may not agree.. but think about it.. there was M, D, J.. the list could go on and on. We make excuses for people who treat others like garbage just because they have a great body. You dont even have to have a pretty face anymore. Some of us get so wrapped up in trying to impress the "cool kids" we end up hurting our best friends.J says its because we are visual people especially guys.. and I get that but what happened to wanting to be friends with people who kind and caring? what happened to thinking someone who is smart and ambitious is sexy? when are we going to judge people based on their character and their productivity as a citizen?sigh. Let me just say I (and hey Im biased) think curves are sexy. Not talking about weight and health cause thats a whole different conversation that honestly I am too emotional today to have but curves are sexy. Some of us will never be stick thin (wray women example will always have hips its in the dna) but just because you are not a waif... and not a snob doesnt mean you are any less deserving of friendship.

let me just say this.. If you are my friend, I love you. I love and give with my whole heart. I am a very passionate and sensitive person. I want to be there to lift you up and encourage you but I cant if you dont let me. One thing I want to do is protect and defend my friends. and this is just me but if my friend was being hurt by people who were malicious I would be upset. If my friend was a target or was treated badly because of girls who wanted to prove their worthiness through sexual conquests the last thing I would be doing is hanging out with the culprit. Im just saying. Sadly, if someone is talking about your friend or treating your friend badly who is to say they wont do they same to you? I hate to be the one in the position of I told you so.

There was a girl 18 years ago now that had 2 best friends. These best friends hated each other. Friend A was chubby and sweet and had only a few close friends by all accounts. Friend B was thin, but was not so sweet. She had been known to start rumors and had gotten suspended once or twice. Yet she was very popular. One day Friend B says to her best friend..lets make friend A miserable. SO together they did. They would play ding dong ditch, leave drawings of pigs on the door step with nasty messages. They would call friend A's answering machine and call her a whore and tell her she was ugly. Eventually Friend B turned on her best friend. doing the exact same horrible thing to her as was done to friend A. Do you know that almost 20 years later friend A is still getting apologies from that best friend? Do you know that this girl has spent almost 20 years not feeling good or worthy enough?

If you think your words don't matter.. they do. That girl who's mom told her she was unattractive little does anyone know that this particular girl is an anorexic who will now spend admittedly the next 6 months self loathing crash dieting and starving before checking back into treatment.

So just to recap...it is not your fault that some people are they way they are, your actions and words affect others in ways you may not understand and rumors can hurt people for years. Take some responsibility for your actions. Just because someone is different from you or leads a different lifestyle does not mean that you have the right to judge them or make assumptions. Love yourself and your family. You are special, You are good enough and You are worthy enough. At the end of the day the only thing that matters is that you are good enough for God. Just because someone is nice doesn't mean that they are worthy of your friendship. Nice people can do really mean things. You deserve to surround yourself with people who will respect you and your friends. Finally, love that body and don't be scared to shake what you got. till next time-xox

A testiment to faith

So.. I am a sports junkie as many of you know. I was watching Real Sports with Bryan Gumbel when I came upon one of the most touching stories I have heard in a long time. This is the place i want to get to in my life. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it.
Tim Lewis is a 52 African American living in Compton. If you know anything about Compton, CA it is impoverished to say the least. This is a place that is the epitome of depravity and despair. guns, violence, drugs, sex, not exactly the place for a bunch of little leaguers to learn the game of baseball. Yet after 30 years, Tim Lewis changed that. He single hand idly is responsible for returning baseball to Compton. Despite the fact that Mr. Lewis' life was less then ideal. He is homeless, living out of a van, a former drug abuser a victim of a culture that glamorized the hustle in the inner city. Despite waking up everyday in a van he got up went to the park and asked God to you him to make a difference. He admits he would pray to God thanking him for all his blessings that he has an opportunity to worship him. God heard his cry to be a servant and has used him to start up a team where children had never played outside because it wasn't safe. While some great hall of famers have come from Compton most of those wont go on to play in the majors. Yet, they are learning teamwork, compassion, respect, perseverance and dedication to your self friends and God all because of one man. He coaches them, and piles all of his little leaugers in his van on the mattress that is his bed. I am amazed. I am amazed on many accounts. One how God really does listen to us and wants to use us and will defy our expectations if all we do is ask. All it takes is one person to coach children towards Christ. How many times when bad things happen to us and we are quick to get mad at God and turn away? How many of can say when we have nothing Thank You God? Being homeless can really take its toll on the spirit. You are embarrassed, ashamed and people look down on you with disgust. I can tell you from my own experience when I was homeless, I was thanking God for my sanctuary or asking God to use me. In my darkest days I wasn't focused on being a servant. We often sing songs about thanking God in church no matter what but it is really easy to sing the song and a lot harder to put it into action. Just something to think about. God's Blessings don't always come in a typical package, and the fact that we have a God who loves us is enough to sing blessings for endless days. It just goes to show God wants to use you, and me but he also wants to use the abused, broken, the homeless, the drug addict, the prostuite and all those people that so many look down. Jesus raises them up. So thank you Jesus for Tim Lewis and using him to minister and inspire so many others.

i just need to say this

I know that I am a tough pill to swallow sometimes. I know that sometimes I am intimidating. I am brash and can be a bit intense. But guess what? No one will ever say that am not genuine. You will know where you stand with me. I either like you or I don't. Which i can say that most people are on my like lists. however, one of my biggest pet peeves is when people lie and dishonest. You do not have to lie, exaggerate, tell stories to kick it. Its even more annoying when I catch you fibbing. I am a smart girl and i find it very interesting that people usually lie about something that doesn't even matter. If I like you it is because of who you are. You don't need to take on a hobby or have an interest because it is something i like. Be you and when you make a mistake or tell a lie and get caught why not fess up? don't pretend to be something you are not, that is almost obvious and unattractive.
Furthermore, I am not the "other" girl. I don't say that in terms of a sexual thing but I am saying i don't want to be that one you text because you have nothing Else better to do, no one cooler to talk to so you settle for me? really? no thanks.
One last little vent, people assume that my kindness, and Patience is never ending. While my politeness maybe never ending, and I am a kind person and I am forgiving I also don't take lightly people lying, treating me with disregard or assuming they can pop back in my life when it is convenient and pop right back out when its not. my life is crazy, chronic, tragic, and heart breaking yet very beautiful. Yet when i get to a point with you where I am done, I'm done especially after the few months and really several years i have had. And when I am done no call from your mother, your aunt bobby sue from Arkansas or anyone else will change that. all I am saying is why you love me the way i love you? and why cant you treat me the way i treat you? Why cant you support me the way i supported you even if i didn't agree with you or knew you were totally in the wrong? The worst part of it all is when I am praying for you I'm not even on your radar and while I am in the universe wishing you wellness where are you? I'm not saying I do things because I want recognition, or that i pray for people so that will pray for me. I try to support and encourage people because I love them. Interestingly though when people realize what they have it is often too late. My heart is no exception to that rule and at some point i need to change my path.

just a response to my own blog.

so i got an email from a NAFA member. for those of you who dont know NAFA is the national association for Fat Acceptance. my friend who is a member emailed me and asked why I was fat bashing. Someone else asked why I was bashing Gastric Bypass. Really people??? I am not bashing either. I am not saying it is or isnt ok to be fat, nor am I saying it is or isnt ok to lose weight, I am not saying I do or dont need to lose weight, I probably do. All I am saying is my happiness comes from the inside and it is or isnt dependant on you, or how I look. The fact that I love myself will not change regardless of whether or not I am fat, thin, grow warts on my forehead or end up with purple hair, or no hair because beauty to me doesnt define character and I know that is hard for some to swallow. And for the person that asked why I was acting like it didnt hurt the way people treat me. Of course it does. I am a girl and a sensitive one at that. So.. when you start to like a guy and he rejects you or you think people are you friends and they ignore or disregard you of course it hurts. I am not saying N didnt hurt me, and as far as P, S, J, J, J, K, and A go. I have been trying to get them to like me for years and I always get ignored, pushed aside or felt like I was the ugly one in the group, or that i wasnt good enough. being stood up, and ignored hurts. feeling like youre not as cool or pretty enough does hurt and I am a super sensitive person and to feel like you are putting effort into people who arent interested in you really sucks. So then i decided I am done crying tears over these people, I am done trying to sell myself to these people, I am listening to people tell me I am not pretty enough or skinny enough to be a part of the "in crowd" or one of the "hot girls" who hit up downtown. Eleanor Roosevelt once said" No one can make you feel inferior with out your consent". I am not bashing anyone or anything, nor I am denying that I have been hurt by people. All I am saying is I have one life, this is it, and well I am choosing to live a life of positivity and surrounding myself with people who love me. even if I am uncool, at least I know I am loved.

lets just clear the air

so... since it is almost 5 in the morning and I cant sleep why not blog? So.. i know I am going to. offend a few people (as usual) but there are somethings you and I need to get straight. Yes, I am talking to you. Let me also just go out on a limb and say apology accepted so no need to send me letters or voicemail about it because I have been accepting apologies on this issue since I was a preteen. So.. to answer the question that appears to be on so many minds the answer is No when it comes to my recent surgery i did not have gastric bypass. When I posted a survey that said operation GBS. I apparently caused a lot of confusion. OK... that was a joke to my best friend about my massive crush on guy named Bob. I actually for those that don't know had a rapidly growing tumor taking up much of my breast. I have had to endure not only that surgery but will in all likelihood face the possibility of a full mastectomy. Now this is not a bashing gastric bypass conversation because there are a lot of people who have had it and it has worked wonders for them. In fact there are at least 6 people who are reading this that have had the operation, and all of whom have become successful at losing weight and being healthy. For some odd reason that bewilders me people seem to think that if you are fat, they can talk to you in a way that is disrespectful. Here is what I have heard over recent weeks: "you should get gastric bypass so you can be pretty." "If you were thin, P would want you to go out with them, and N wouldn't have hurt you like that." "When you lose weight people will like you and J and A will want to hang with you." " I don't mean to be rude but i don't understand why you are so fat, have you always been this big?" The list could go on and on and on.... and I am really angry about it to be honest and no, not at you per say but as a whole. even my best friend thought I was having gastric bypass. I know we live in a culture that is very visual and maybe people are just making an observation about me OK.. so I am fat.. can we all worry about ourselves and move on now? First off , If P doesn't want to hang with me well that is too bad for her. N is the one missing out and Jand A especially J are jerks. For those of you who are trying to analyze my weight you can stop now. My relationship with Emily is complex and it is something that myself and others in the mental health filed have been trying to figure out. Most of you may not remember when I was 110 pounds but I cant say that I was happier or had less problems. Oh, and on a side note for that one person who is going to say if you lost weight you'd be less sick. hate to break it to ya but I have had an auto immune illness since I was 12 and 120 pounds, throw in some kidney disease and my health will never be spectacular. I am again not saying being overweight is a bad thing or a good thing nor am I saying gastric bypass is or isn't in my future. My dear friend Kristin is most famous for having a moment when she said she was worth it. and she is. we all are. My being worthy of love is NOT going to start when you tell me it is OK or when society tells me I am good enough. I am, you are, we are good enough and worthy enough today. I love being me, I think beautiful and talented and deserving. Did I mention I was a total nerd? All of that will not change regardless of whether I am 300 pounds or 105. I've seen those captions you put under your pics when you call your self fat and ugly. I am not doing that. I refuse to self loathe. Life is just too short. For those of you that want to say you are really concerned about my weight ok fine but there is a way to approach someone that is respectful and if you are a stranger or someone i ha vent talked to in years it is not cool for you to not even ask how I am doing and immediately ask me about " the surgery" . Bottom line there is fine space between being concerned and just being obnoxious. Here's the deal and said this to John and he didn't think I was being serious but I am. I am a rockin good time, I appreciate my gorgeous self and those around me for who they are not their appearance. You are either on board and want to be my friend, or you dont. If you need to bounce thats cool. I done trying to sell myself or fit in to your expectations. You know and this is to a lot of people.. your beauty will fade... but self love and respect that endures. ... till next time, xoxo- carmen