for all you control freaks

let me let you (or most of you)in on a little secret. I may be messy, and disorganized but I am a planner. Completely type A about alot of things. Since I was 3.5 years old I was making lists. lists of words in the dictionary.Lists of people who were always going to be my best friends, lists of who I was going to marry (and yes that often changed since I was known for being a serial dater) lists of where I was going to go school, when I was going to be a doctor (yes even at 3 I knew I was going to be a doctor one day..lol) the lists could go on and remain continuous. Even right now if I could plan every day for the next 8 years I would. Im an over analytical control nut, it just doesnt come out to very many people. So i thought I had it all figured out ( and sometimes still do think i have it all planned and calculated) My thought had/has/occasionally will be that if you work hard push yourself hard enough,or are willing to work and lay on that abundance of charm everything will go exactly how it should be according to list #292. What happens when it doesnt? What happens when your best friend is murdered by some idiot out seeking thrills, what happens when the thing you want in the entire world is gone in the blink of an eye and your left with the few miserable pieces? What happens when the person you trusted cant stand you for all the things you have done? What happens when the 2 or 3 people you never thought you would need to make a list about are set out with every intention on destroying you on every possible level? well the answer is simple God happens. You can make 10,000 lists and day dream about what you will be making for dinner in 2019 (ok.. so i wasnt that neurotic )but the point is at the end of a day those lists do not matter. God is control the car and he is working through his lists and plans and Im pretty sure that he knows what he is doing. The beauty of prayer and divine intervention is that while it can be surprising it is totally worth letting go of some of that control. not that letting go is totally easy. So the next time I find my self giggling like a school girl to nicole at 7 AM.. or find myself wrapped up in heart break or find myself loving someone again after all these years or one suddenly has surprise baby news.. or finds forgiveness down the road just remember God knows what he is doing and it is all based on love. So I literally am going to go throw some of those lists away and be pleasantly surprised by expecting the unexpected. thats it.. now time to throw those lists away and get ready to have a "dance party" with my brother.(which btw the I know you cant wait to see our video..lol) xox

thoughts on friendship

if you happened to see the pictures from last night, or received one of those late night calls well then you know i like to have fun and a good time. I love my friends but tonight I have a lot on my mind. I really do I love my friends and we have fun and while sipping sodas, watching movies a shot or 2 (or 3 or 4..or 5) is fun and all there really is more to friendship than that. Now i feel like ( and who knows when you consider how much i write) we have hashed this issue out before but lets do it again shall we? I know i have had this conversation with cousins, Krista, April, and N before but Some people are perfectly content with just having their friendships based around the party scene. or superficial things in general (some of this is based on the immaturity of J and M for example others such as S base this their friendships around partying because of vanity and ultimately self esteem issues). Call me crazy but I am not friends with you because of how much you do or dont like to party. Just like I am not friends with you because of what you do or dont look like. I dont care. I am friends with you because I like you for you, not for how many people you have made out with, what your waist size is or the color of your hair. I like you for who you are on the inside. Its annoying when people call me superficial because nothing could be further from the truth. Well and lets be honest because you know I am the type to call a spade a spade: My family sucks. hold the gasps for those of you who have known my family for years.. but its true. I dont have much family and the family i do have is crazy and does awful things (with the exception a couple of cousins) (thats a whole biography in and of itself) so I have had to rely on my friends for a sense of support. and part of being supported is giving support when it is needed. I can do that however when you dont let me. I want to be there, I want to have deeper connections with you but you have to make that choice to allow that to happen. It is very frustrating to have the want for that connection and you not wanting to allow it. For some ( and this is a very obvious few) it is because they are simply not capable due to mental health issues. Someone else i recently had this conversation with said it was because they were embarrassed and ashamed of the past or that there were worries of getting hurt since so many people had hurt them in the past. OK.. well let me just say that my friendship comes with a no embarrassment clause, no need to feel guilt or shame. The beauty of humanism is we are all flawed. Trust me I am no exception and I have done a lot of terrible things. No more than i expect to be judged do i judge you. I guess what i really need to tell you is that there are is beauty love forgiveness and mercy in Christ. Something to think about. While I am sorry for the things your ex wife said to you or how your father treated you it makes me sad that you are going to hold everyone who tries to enter your life responsible for the trespasses of others. I know it make come as a surprise but not everyone is out to hurt you. I know its scary to believe some people want to cherish you and respect you. There are people in life that want to raise you up. I can only do what I can and hope that someday you will see my love for you is real and unconditional. So.. at the end of the day know this: God loves you I think you are gorgeous, smart, amazing and full of potential. I love to party with you and hang out, I want to wear pjs and giggle about full house episodes but I also want to be the one you call in the middle of the night when you want to cry. I want to call you when I am looking through old scrap books and feeling the reality of heart break. I want to hold you hand when your sick, and your dad is dying. I want to be the one that you send out the S.O.S. to b/c you met an amazing guy or are in desperate need of some gel for that bad hair day.lol. I have told so many of you this before and it gets old repeatedly telling you this so just know I want to do all those things for you but I cant if you dont let me and I also cant continue to put effort into someone and get hurt. Nothing life is worth it if it doesnt involve some sort of risk and vulnerability. Sometimes our fear holds us back from amazing people and opprotunities and its really sad but often by the time we realize it its often too late. thats it.. im not sure there is much else i can say.

quirky is the new sexy..

did you know that I am probably one of the most uncoordinated people you will ever meet in your life? Once I fell (trying to do a summer sault) in a jumping castle and had to be rescued by a bunch of 3 year olds. ( who btw still talk about this and it has been almost 7 years) Once krista and I tried to used school glue (and then used pink duck tape) a mirror on moms car. it didnt work. I cant ride my little brother's 3 wheeled bike for me than a minute w/o falling off literally. Have i told you I cant tie my shoes or snap my fingers? lol.. I am obsessed with wonderwoman (really all super heros ) and hanson. I love lemons.. think pickles and cinnamon rolls are the best combo.I am known for asking people random questions at very strange times. I am a national scrabble champion who snorts when she laughs, has knocked more drinks off the table then I can count who listens to talk radio and loves to dance and sing opera around with my lil brother around the house. The list could go on and on and on. here is what I am getting at.. the other night in between catching up with some of my favorite friends new and old I got visit from another friend. I was doing my usual dancing around the house, contemplating cleaning my room (which never happened) and giggling about my superhero alter ego, when he sits on my bed looks at me and says.. "you are very strange." Now i was too happy to be irritated with him, but i did look at him with bewilderment. My response: "you are right I am strange. I am quirky, weird, hyper, eclectic, eccentric or how ever you want to see it but guess what? it wont be changing anytime soon." he looked and just shook his head. later he sent me a text and said i made him smile and he apologized. But seriously women in particular think they have to look a certain way, or behave a certain way. why? I have never been one to conform and I couldnt be happier about it. Being a step ford wife acting robotic in nature is not attractive. I refuse to feel bad about who I am and things I enjoy about my life. quirky is sexy. You being you is sexy. I think we need all celebrate our differences and uniqueness rather than pretending it doesnt exist. Bottom line this is me.. if you dont like it.. well plug your ears and cover your eyes cause Im still going to be singing and dancing.

ugh

im so irritated maybe in part because its 4 am and here I am awake again.. big shocker..and something really strange is going on with me but there are a lot other reasons why.. so here goes and yes some may apply to you some may not. so you may not in fact know who or what I am talking about.
#1 what i am really sick of is people judging others. ive been reading some comments some people have posted the past few days.. things like she is fat so she must be lazy, she is standing on a corner so she must be a whore. or he must a homeless lazy junkie. who do you (and yes you) think you are? what for one second would make you think that this is ok? usually people say stuff out of fear, ignorance or to get a reaction. imagine if you were homeless or had an eating disorder and someone was saying that kind of stuff about you. wow.. and let me just say for all you Christians and hey this is (obviously) only my opinion but I have always believed that Jesus isnt necessarily going to come to earth riding down on cloud in large grandiose fashion. I believe Jesus will come as that homeless man you ridiculing and snickering at.
#2 things are always in the eye of the beholder. what was a mere binder to you has infact become my entire world. what was totally ok with you to disregard contained the hopes and dreams of two people held together by a few facts. but hey dont worry about it because as we each worry about us and only us the world will be great right?
#3 perhaps one of the things that irritates me the most is this constant need for attention. now some may say well you write for attention..no I write because it is what I was meant to and well when you have lupus one of the parts of the body that is effected the most is your hands and typing takes less of a toll and hello.. have you ever tried to read my writing? so no i dont do it for you.. i do it for me and when you are passionate about something you should practice it. at any rate there is a girl who writes on her fb page how excited she is to see certain people. ok..great.. never mind when the right people arent looking you are screaming and yelling obscenities. ugh.
#4 Let me also say this if I am pouring my heart and soul out to you dont laugh..even if is something stupid.. and i do have a tendency to cry over funny things. I am a sensitive person what can I say? If im asking to come spend time with you it is because I care about you. Friends need to support each other and how can I support you if not given the opportunity? and let me just say.. to tell me when I am about to trust you with something personal to tell me you dont have time for me and my problems is just plain rude and disrespectful. People think that because I am a party girl who likes to have a good time or because i lead a certain way of life that you can talk to me in a way that is just plain rude. its very annoying. and for the record actions speak louder than words, and it is not ok not to apologize when youre wrong and just because you are having a bad day doesnt mean you should take it out on other people. Hey, maybe if you changed your attitude and treated people with more gratitude things will start to look better for you.
#5 trust is so important to me. You cant complain if I push you away when every time i try to let you in you shatter that trust. I am the kind of person that trusts you until you break my trust and when you do i am guarded... and will remain that way. You may not even know that i dont trust you. We may have seen things differently but we can move forward with guided caution. things will never be fully ok when it comes to you and I so dont get your hopes up.
#6So i get a call about an upcoming event. I tryto be polite and civil but the control nut in me wants to scream. So let me just say when I have put 20 years into something its hardly a casual investment. despite what you may think.. or want to tell yourself. and just because She may like you ( and why i dont know) does not mean for one second that I do. So keep doing what you do. or go fly a kite, climb a tree, or move to bora bora I dont care.

To answer a few questions that keep popping up yes constructing my website and it should be up soon.

bottom line I wish that people say the joy ( even though this blog didnt sound very joyous) in life that I see. Yes, that joy does apply to the homeless that look away from or the girl you judge. I remain hopeful that there will be someday when we reach a place where we treat others with respect and compassion. thats it. all for now. didnt mean to be harsh. we will certainly catch up soon. xoxox

just keep going

So i am going to be discreet and direct as I can. Let me just say that this is directed at me, and those few others who share a commonality. There are some of us who are dealing with a unique issue. It is an issue that is complicated and carries a lot of potential stereotypes and social, cultural, and personal implications. I guarantee each of you knows someone who is directly struggling. The things is you can have an a hold on something for years and then in a blink of an eye you are back where you started. You are not immune to your sword. no one is. ( and yes we all have them and if you think you dont denial is a huge sword for many people and some have more visible issues then others and I am way way way more candid than most) You are only Its not something easily likes to admit and well as with so many things it comes with a lot of judgements and misconceptions. I also think that ( and if you know me certainly in my case) we tend to be harder on ourselves than even our worst critics. perfectionism has long been a huge sword in my side. Ok.. heres where I am going: There are some things, many things I suppose that we all struggle with every single day. Some of those things are not a choice to avoid. Sometimes you may make a mistake or a misstep or regress whatever label you want to put on it. Sometimes we get caught up in the negative drama and people who make us feel unworthy even when they dont mean too. Sometimes we are rejected or over analyze the situation. whatever the reason why doesnt matter. Yet one thing I have learned is that we are not perfect and to struggle is a test of perseverance and character. without struggle there would be no need for hope or compassion. So.. from today on no tears.. no guilt.. no embarrassment..no shame.. no continued self sabotage. yesterday was in the past tomorrow is in the future and sometimes its important to acknowledge victories no matter how small in the moment. So dust yourself and as someone I admire once said "just keep going". Also, do not let other people shame you in to sabotage. Your worth and your accomplishments is not dictated with someone elses expectations. Another thing, do not be afraid to ask for help and encouragement and if people dont understand it is often due to their own insecurities and fears and lack of knowledge. There are more people willing to help than you may realize. As for me it's time to reconnect with the team. Someone once said we all have 50,000 coaches. I like to think that its 50,000 angels. point is look around and love is there. health and wellness isnt about perfection it is about doing the best you can asking for help and moving forward. love you.