So.. im so mad and well its time to clear the air. Last nite again I got into a conversation with several people about who I am. There are people who see me just as a party girl. I have had people say that you and I cant go on vacation or we dont have anything in common because you like to party. There are people who take a look at me and say wow she must be lazy, or smell, or just be a glutton. There are people who hear about my goals and have said: "wow she must be stuck up think she is smarter than everyone else."
OK so please look through my pictures look at me stand next to me strain your eyes..whatever you need to do. You may think I am mad at you..nope I am just mad as women that we still feel the need to judge others.. (ok and some men too). This isnt just a pretty girl syndrome where I am whining because a lot of girls dont like me its the truth. Now you and I know that girls who spend all their time judging 0thers or putting people down really have a problem with their own self esteem and are super insecure. Jealousy is a hard thing to deal with, and ive noticed as I go on this journey it only seems to get worse. I just dont get it because I never judge people based on looks, or what they did one night in 2002 because looks are deceiving and call me crazy but i appreciate the content of one's character and enjoying observing the whole package. and honestly,I hope as women some day we can get to a point where we decide to raise each other up rather tear each other down. It is just annoying that we cant be happy for each other.. yet i know internal happiness is hard to find. BTW trust me I can you when you make those looks and roll your eyes..when you post things on fb, or talk about me to my friends I do know..again thank you.
So.. to all those haters I really say thank you for spending your precious time talking about me. I appreciate it. Also, thank you for reminding me of how happy I am and how good I feel about myself.
So.. yep I like parties, I go out I like to have a good time. drinks here and there and party favors can be a good time. Yep, im fat..and I know its hard to believe people actually right now and not when I lose 50 pounds. Can we move on now? Yep, I am taking a non traditional path to work my self through grad school. None of this means, that I am whore a bitch, or a slut. No i did not cheat my way towards my goals.
There is also a side many people wont have the chance to see. Yep, i like to party but I also like reading. I like scrabble, I like writing, I like volunteering, i like swimming. I enjoy my time at home. All of it this is me. Honestly, it doesnt matter to me if you like it or not because plenty of people do and well its my life, my journey, my path not yours. I know that I am fabulous, funny, driven,and amazing and i hope someday you can find all that makes you great. Im just going to keep being me and who I am. I make no apologies for the person I have become.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
just thinking..
I cant sleep.. so rather than working hard for my money lol like i should be.. doped up if like I always am about this time so why not blog. so here is just random things i am thinking about. Not about anyone person for the most part just being random and general the way only I can.
* I think there is a right time and a right place for all things. There is a line between being pushy, being friendly and just plain being rude obnoxious and disrespectful. However (and I've said this before) if we were friends and something happens to you my heart hurts with yours. thats who I am. Even if you hate me (and maybe rightfully so) my heart still aches for you. When you are celebrating your finest moments and greatest accomplishments I am there with you if nothing else but in spirit. Trust me I pray for you. Sometimes the best kind of prayers are the ones that are least expected.
*There are some people who are mad at me. whatever..i seem to have a knack for upsetting people..but its ok.. first off I am going through a lot. There is an issue with my leg, most likely nothing serious but when you have had any kind of breast cancer (well even sometimes beingin
tumors)you run the risk of developing cancer in your bones. So until we know 100% that i have no tumor cancerous or otherwise in my bone i may not be there for everyone as much as i would like to be. its very scary to know your life is sitting in limbo right now and unless you have had cancer or a tumor it is hard to understand. I know that this is going to come as surprise to some people but guess what? this time around I am going to put myself first..and i think sometimes my brutal honesty is hard to handle. I just find it very ironic that people and yes I mean all people myself included can be so quick to judge others. If you (meaning whoever) want to have conversations about how I let some ppl down thats funny.. because i specifically remember you doing the exact same thing. Yep, so im not perfect. I can screw up big time but i wldnt want to be perfect ( I know this may seem like a shock to hear me say that because im a big perfectionist) but if we were not flawed there would be not need to aspire, to forgive or to teach. Bottom line: I am soooooooooo sick of the blondtourage. Im sick of the fake, the disingenuines, I need to be the center of attention, I need to make others feel bad to feel better, constant need for attention. Im over it, and its ok because some ppl are who they are and thats not bad its just not right for me. But there are plenty of people who enjoy the pettiness. Can I just say though to judge people based on weight, or to treat others poorly because they dont look like you says a lot about your character. im over it.
*you know what i find amazing? how people feel on the inside truly radiates on the outside. When you feel poorly, you treat others poorly. When you have emotional baggage, it becomes obvious by the crap you have laying around. go figure. I think that once every few months we all need to examine what kind of "baggage" we are carrying around. Its healthy to do an occasional inventory and clean up. Get rid of the crap, throw it away, sell it, bury it, burn it, stomp on it whatever. The point is our baggage holds us back from living the best possible life we can.
*One more little irritant. I hate fat people jokes. I hate that word. I think it breads nothing but discrimination prejudice and pain. If you are talking about being Fabulous And Thick thats one thing but i just dont have the time or want to make fun of others. There is enough pain in the world why intentionally contribute? just sayin.
*Some people ..ok mostly my brother, sister, and dad lol say I am a nag and tend to go on. I hear atleast 5 times a week.."you are not my mom". nope im not. yes I am pushy, If I am pushy with myself it shldnt come as a huge shock that I am going to be pushy with you. But if you come to me ask for advice, or help I am going to tell you what i think. it may not always be pretty. Yet, I am offering advice, resources, my time because I want to help. I love you and want whats best for you and yet you need to help you. I can only do what I can do. You have to decide you want a better life. You have to decide to save yourself. You have to decide that your children, grandchildren deserve better. I can point you in the right direction, I can support you but like i told someone who I was tutoring I cant do the work for you. There is however no weakness in asking for help. I really just wish that people would just take the time to consider their families. Children are such a blessing and it bugs me so much when i see people taking them for granted. Your childs needs should come first. Do you know how many people would do anything to have a child or be a grandparent? It upsets me that we get so caught up in this cynical crap and stereotypes we dont ask for help when we need it.
* You know what I find amazing? when I have been listening to the news on my sleepless nite how many of the survivors of Haiti are caught saying thank you. Thank you, and praise God. I have to say I am shocked because if my world had collapsed i think if would distraught, saddened, and to have the strength to be grateful is really touching.
Thats it.. perhaps time for sleep. At the end of the day the only one who knows each of true intentions and where our heart really is is God
* I think there is a right time and a right place for all things. There is a line between being pushy, being friendly and just plain being rude obnoxious and disrespectful. However (and I've said this before) if we were friends and something happens to you my heart hurts with yours. thats who I am. Even if you hate me (and maybe rightfully so) my heart still aches for you. When you are celebrating your finest moments and greatest accomplishments I am there with you if nothing else but in spirit. Trust me I pray for you. Sometimes the best kind of prayers are the ones that are least expected.
*There are some people who are mad at me. whatever..i seem to have a knack for upsetting people..but its ok.. first off I am going through a lot. There is an issue with my leg, most likely nothing serious but when you have had any kind of breast cancer (well even sometimes beingin
tumors)you run the risk of developing cancer in your bones. So until we know 100% that i have no tumor cancerous or otherwise in my bone i may not be there for everyone as much as i would like to be. its very scary to know your life is sitting in limbo right now and unless you have had cancer or a tumor it is hard to understand. I know that this is going to come as surprise to some people but guess what? this time around I am going to put myself first..and i think sometimes my brutal honesty is hard to handle. I just find it very ironic that people and yes I mean all people myself included can be so quick to judge others. If you (meaning whoever) want to have conversations about how I let some ppl down thats funny.. because i specifically remember you doing the exact same thing. Yep, so im not perfect. I can screw up big time but i wldnt want to be perfect ( I know this may seem like a shock to hear me say that because im a big perfectionist) but if we were not flawed there would be not need to aspire, to forgive or to teach. Bottom line: I am soooooooooo sick of the blondtourage. Im sick of the fake, the disingenuines, I need to be the center of attention, I need to make others feel bad to feel better, constant need for attention. Im over it, and its ok because some ppl are who they are and thats not bad its just not right for me. But there are plenty of people who enjoy the pettiness. Can I just say though to judge people based on weight, or to treat others poorly because they dont look like you says a lot about your character. im over it.
*you know what i find amazing? how people feel on the inside truly radiates on the outside. When you feel poorly, you treat others poorly. When you have emotional baggage, it becomes obvious by the crap you have laying around. go figure. I think that once every few months we all need to examine what kind of "baggage" we are carrying around. Its healthy to do an occasional inventory and clean up. Get rid of the crap, throw it away, sell it, bury it, burn it, stomp on it whatever. The point is our baggage holds us back from living the best possible life we can.
*One more little irritant. I hate fat people jokes. I hate that word. I think it breads nothing but discrimination prejudice and pain. If you are talking about being Fabulous And Thick thats one thing but i just dont have the time or want to make fun of others. There is enough pain in the world why intentionally contribute? just sayin.
*Some people ..ok mostly my brother, sister, and dad lol say I am a nag and tend to go on. I hear atleast 5 times a week.."you are not my mom". nope im not. yes I am pushy, If I am pushy with myself it shldnt come as a huge shock that I am going to be pushy with you. But if you come to me ask for advice, or help I am going to tell you what i think. it may not always be pretty. Yet, I am offering advice, resources, my time because I want to help. I love you and want whats best for you and yet you need to help you. I can only do what I can do. You have to decide you want a better life. You have to decide to save yourself. You have to decide that your children, grandchildren deserve better. I can point you in the right direction, I can support you but like i told someone who I was tutoring I cant do the work for you. There is however no weakness in asking for help. I really just wish that people would just take the time to consider their families. Children are such a blessing and it bugs me so much when i see people taking them for granted. Your childs needs should come first. Do you know how many people would do anything to have a child or be a grandparent? It upsets me that we get so caught up in this cynical crap and stereotypes we dont ask for help when we need it.
* You know what I find amazing? when I have been listening to the news on my sleepless nite how many of the survivors of Haiti are caught saying thank you. Thank you, and praise God. I have to say I am shocked because if my world had collapsed i think if would distraught, saddened, and to have the strength to be grateful is really touching.
Thats it.. perhaps time for sleep. At the end of the day the only one who knows each of true intentions and where our heart really is is God
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
how lucky I am
So i woke up this morning and have been watching the news and I am so overwhelmed with sadness and grief due to the recent earthquake that took place. I was working on writing articles all about babies when i had to take a minute reflect. How sad it is to think of the 100,000 people dead, lives torn, apart, buildings now nothing more than a pile of rubble. And of all places and nations to happen to Haiti is the poorest of the poor. Now some just said to me why does it matter? I dont live there.and I have my own problems to think about. Really? No I obviously don't live there either, but it does matter. Now it just maybe that ultimate compassionate person in me, but it matters when I think of Children losing their mothers, or fathers, in a place where nothing is as common as the day is long it matters. When I see people lying dead in the street in matters to me. When I see pieces of metal sticking out of the legs of a young woman it matters to me. Believe me if I could I would be on plane picking up all those little babies who are now orphans crying in the streets. It matters because we are all connected. America is not the only country in this world. The world goes far beyond my messy little bedroom here in the cold little city of andover Minnesota. You should feel hurt when someone else in the world has suffered the worst disaster in decades because we are all brothers and sisters. We are linked by humanity and by the blood Jesus Christ.. Yes, we all I have problems. But i guess today when i look in the faces of real suffering my problems are just kind of put in perspective. How can I complain today? My world hasnt literally shook beneath me. I live in a country where I have freedoms and opportunities that others can only dream of. If i need something I can go to the store and get it. My car may barely run but I have a car. If I have an emergency I can call the police or the fire department and someone will be here to help me. If im thirsty I know that I will have water to drink. I woke up today and I have clothes, and a roof over my head. All luxuries some will only wish for.I know that today my problems, my annoyances, my disappointments would be like paradise compared to others. So when things like this happen it matters because people need hope, they need love, and lots of prayers. I may not be able to offer much but I can offer that.
Monday, January 11, 2010
just venting
There is just a lot on my mind and going through my head and so I really need to vent because so much is happening.
ok happy things first.. well they didnt start off very happy. But as many of you know I grew up in a single parent household. I grew up with my mother's family. While they were wonderful I always felt like a part of me was missing. My immediate was family consisted of 2 aunts 2 uncles and cousins. In the past recent years my family has essentially disintegrated. I know longer have contact with my aunts or uncles. I dont know where two of my cousins even are. Its very sad..and this isnt about being dissing anyone because honestly I am way to worn out emotionally to do that. It is what it is.. and its ok. but i ended up for awhile feeling lost like i didnt know who I was or where I was going or where i fit in.
Then one day something strange happened..i had prayed for a family and that things would be different. well then i began talking to a whole family that i never knew. I have discovered all kinds of people who are on my dads side. Cousins, aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters. I love it. While there is a lot of time to catch up on im honored and blessed to be a part of this family. It is a huge blessing that all these years people have been caring for me and loving me.
In other news.. and im talking in generalizations mostly. These are just the thoughts going through my mind and they are not necessarily related.
One im sick again. boo. im hoping we dont get too ill, but i swear when its one of those things where it is too steps forward and 20 back. sigh... but we will just take it one day at a time.
Im so sad that my today is my sweet baby cousins bday whom I love and I have no idea where he is or how he is doing. it is just stupid.
im just sick of people being mean..honestly what do we have to gain from it?
Today I got the affirmation that i needed..some people are just not nice and quite frankly will never change. There are those of us who are who we are and we've reached our maximum potential..and well that is not necessarily a good thing but it is ok.
OK so my biggest strength and weakness in life is that I am too empathetic. to the point where it becomes too much..and well my need to be nice and let people know the truth has gotten me in trouble yet again. My intentions were good but it turned out all wrong. and I feel terrible. even when i know it will cause disagreements if someone asks me something and i know they will get hurt if i dont tell them then i tell. maybe makes me a bad person..idk..but it is what is.
sometimes i can become so enmeshed in others peoples problems however (even when the problem isnt their fault) and I have learned over the years when I need to take a step back. I hate it and it sucks but i have to look out for me. Someone can be really nice and sweet and even love you but that doesnt mean it is a healthy relationship for me to be in.
perhaps the biggest annoyance to me about humans is that we get caught in a lot of he said/she said. people pick sides..people they hear what they want to hear but truth always lies somewhere in the middle. There are a lot of assumptions that are made but that doesnt mean they are true. if we stop listen for a minute the truth can always be heard.
You know what else I have learned over the years if you dont have confidence fake it. self belief even on the outside can be a very endearing quality.
So ive decided to go after my dreams which is exciting and I guess it wouldnt be a dream if it wasnt met with opposition. while im happy and excited to take leap and do what my heart wants I feel terrible that other people will get hurt. However the heart wants what it wants and this life is way to short not to go after things. maybe things will work out maybe they wont but i dont want to live a life of regrets. in Gods hands it rests.
its early so there isnt too much more for me to say right now but there will be more later im sure and you know i will keep you posted
ok happy things first.. well they didnt start off very happy. But as many of you know I grew up in a single parent household. I grew up with my mother's family. While they were wonderful I always felt like a part of me was missing. My immediate was family consisted of 2 aunts 2 uncles and cousins. In the past recent years my family has essentially disintegrated. I know longer have contact with my aunts or uncles. I dont know where two of my cousins even are. Its very sad..and this isnt about being dissing anyone because honestly I am way to worn out emotionally to do that. It is what it is.. and its ok. but i ended up for awhile feeling lost like i didnt know who I was or where I was going or where i fit in.
Then one day something strange happened..i had prayed for a family and that things would be different. well then i began talking to a whole family that i never knew. I have discovered all kinds of people who are on my dads side. Cousins, aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters. I love it. While there is a lot of time to catch up on im honored and blessed to be a part of this family. It is a huge blessing that all these years people have been caring for me and loving me.
In other news.. and im talking in generalizations mostly. These are just the thoughts going through my mind and they are not necessarily related.
One im sick again. boo. im hoping we dont get too ill, but i swear when its one of those things where it is too steps forward and 20 back. sigh... but we will just take it one day at a time.
Im so sad that my today is my sweet baby cousins bday whom I love and I have no idea where he is or how he is doing. it is just stupid.
im just sick of people being mean..honestly what do we have to gain from it?
Today I got the affirmation that i needed..some people are just not nice and quite frankly will never change. There are those of us who are who we are and we've reached our maximum potential..and well that is not necessarily a good thing but it is ok.
OK so my biggest strength and weakness in life is that I am too empathetic. to the point where it becomes too much..and well my need to be nice and let people know the truth has gotten me in trouble yet again. My intentions were good but it turned out all wrong. and I feel terrible. even when i know it will cause disagreements if someone asks me something and i know they will get hurt if i dont tell them then i tell. maybe makes me a bad person..idk..but it is what is.
sometimes i can become so enmeshed in others peoples problems however (even when the problem isnt their fault) and I have learned over the years when I need to take a step back. I hate it and it sucks but i have to look out for me. Someone can be really nice and sweet and even love you but that doesnt mean it is a healthy relationship for me to be in.
perhaps the biggest annoyance to me about humans is that we get caught in a lot of he said/she said. people pick sides..people they hear what they want to hear but truth always lies somewhere in the middle. There are a lot of assumptions that are made but that doesnt mean they are true. if we stop listen for a minute the truth can always be heard.
You know what else I have learned over the years if you dont have confidence fake it. self belief even on the outside can be a very endearing quality.
So ive decided to go after my dreams which is exciting and I guess it wouldnt be a dream if it wasnt met with opposition. while im happy and excited to take leap and do what my heart wants I feel terrible that other people will get hurt. However the heart wants what it wants and this life is way to short not to go after things. maybe things will work out maybe they wont but i dont want to live a life of regrets. in Gods hands it rests.
its early so there isnt too much more for me to say right now but there will be more later im sure and you know i will keep you posted
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Im sorry
There are several people that are hurt or upset with me these days because they think I am blowing them off. They ask me to come over, I say I cant they ask me if they can come over I fall asleep. They ask me to go out I cant., etc. Well let just say you are not the only one that feels this way. This isnt an issue of lets feel sorry for me but the problem is multifactoral. It is one of those break up cliches but honestly its not you...Its me.
Dont believe its me? well let me recap a day in my life for the past few months.
*July 31st, 2009 I had a major operation. (which by the way took weeks to recover from)
*sept. 1, 2009 begins of getting sick
*Oct-Nov, 2009 h1n1(and other stuff)
It may not seem like a lot and you are probably thinking that its January, you should be better. Honestly, I am but I am not 100%. The epidemiologist explained it to me like this: I spent months literally fighting for my life, whether it be the tumor or the h1n1, or the peunomia, my body's immune system was completely worn down because it did everything it could to keep my alive. For every day you are the hospital they say it takes 1 week to get better. If that is the case then I have a long time to go. My oxygen rates are at about 50-55%, while I am off oxygen my rates are low enough according to the pulmanologist to be completely exhausted. Plus I have a chronic pain issue and other autoimmune issues and something else is going on. I will let you know if it is something to get excited or worried about. At any rate honestly I am totally exhausted.
The other issue (of several) is I have I a kid I need to take care of. Someone said "well he is not yours so why do you have to take care of him?" With out getting into my family dynamics too much, I will say you are right, he is not mine. However, he is my responsibility both in the legal and physical sense. I love him, want to take care of him and would feel horrible if I left him alone and something happened. Its complicated I know.
So..really its not you, its me. I want to come over and see your place. I want for you to come over and hang out. I want to go to that bar. I mean to call. I want to have coffee, etc. I know it is hard I am just asking that you bare with me. please be patient, I am on my way to getting better I just need support more than anything. thats it. and I really am sorry if you have been hurt my us not getting together in the fashion you would like. Thats all I got. time to nap before church. happy Sunday xox
Dont believe its me? well let me recap a day in my life for the past few months.
*July 31st, 2009 I had a major operation. (which by the way took weeks to recover from)
*sept. 1, 2009 begins of getting sick
*Oct-Nov, 2009 h1n1(and other stuff)
It may not seem like a lot and you are probably thinking that its January, you should be better. Honestly, I am but I am not 100%. The epidemiologist explained it to me like this: I spent months literally fighting for my life, whether it be the tumor or the h1n1, or the peunomia, my body's immune system was completely worn down because it did everything it could to keep my alive. For every day you are the hospital they say it takes 1 week to get better. If that is the case then I have a long time to go. My oxygen rates are at about 50-55%, while I am off oxygen my rates are low enough according to the pulmanologist to be completely exhausted. Plus I have a chronic pain issue and other autoimmune issues and something else is going on. I will let you know if it is something to get excited or worried about. At any rate honestly I am totally exhausted.
The other issue (of several) is I have I a kid I need to take care of. Someone said "well he is not yours so why do you have to take care of him?" With out getting into my family dynamics too much, I will say you are right, he is not mine. However, he is my responsibility both in the legal and physical sense. I love him, want to take care of him and would feel horrible if I left him alone and something happened. Its complicated I know.
So..really its not you, its me. I want to come over and see your place. I want for you to come over and hang out. I want to go to that bar. I mean to call. I want to have coffee, etc. I know it is hard I am just asking that you bare with me. please be patient, I am on my way to getting better I just need support more than anything. thats it. and I really am sorry if you have been hurt my us not getting together in the fashion you would like. Thats all I got. time to nap before church. happy Sunday xox
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