Its 6:48 and I cant sleep. nothing new but I was up and talking to a friend goofing around thinking of ways to get into mischief and then I got some very sad and shocking news from someone I admire and look up to and have for years. Ok.. let me back up for a minute when I was little I had two best friends ( and im going to apologize because there may be some typos it has been a crazy night/morning) anyways, Corey and Margaret were my two best friends. Some of you may know these stories some of you may not.
Margaret was 8 years old, one summer day when I ironically was supposed to be with her she was in a store in north Minneapolis. She needed to use the rest room. She excused her self to the back of the store and it was unknown toher mother until later she was kidnapped, beaten, raped, sodomized and drowned.
Corey Chase as many of you know was my best friend as well and he and several other young people were hit by a train and killed on impact.
Im not telling these stories to upset or shock you nor am I writing to vent about the judicial system and all its inequalities. Losing your closet friends leaves a permanent hole in your heart and maybe its never really healed. Maybe I am just an extremely compassionate person. Some mistake that as being pushy and I am head strong. Some would say its annoying and maybe it is. i dont know but here is what I am getting at. And let me say this: This is by no means a lecture. ok back to what I was getting to if you are reading this Im assuming it is because we are friends. Whether it is loss, compassion, empathy, or sensitivity that caused me to be this way doesnt matter. I love my friends with my whole being. its who I am. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. Without my friends I dont know where I would be or who I would be. On the broken road that I have traveled (and the road has had more cracks than one can imagine) it was by the grace of Jesus that I had friends would help carry me. The point is when your heart breaks so does mine. When you are torn, and lost there is a part of me that is torn and lost. And today my heart does ache. Awful things happen as they will. So many of my friends are going through so much right now, and hurts me so much. Not because I feel sorry for you but because I love you. Im sorry that there is so much pain. But I want you(and the you applies to those friends of mine that are hurting today but also when hurt comes down the path) to know that Im here. I wont give you any terrible cliches because to be honest I dont believe most of them. I Won't tell you God will never give you more than you can handle because im not sure I buy it. I wont tell you that everything happens for a reason because I know reason is hard to find in the darkest tragedy. I dont always know what to say but im there to listen. Honestly, when you are going through the darkest valleys you, we, dont have to say anything. If you need a shoulder to cry on I am there. Now this isnt a speech or me nagging anyone but God didnt put you on this planet alone for a reason. I truly believe we are God's gift to each other. You know in which form an Angel will show up (im not saying Im an Angel)There is no shame or weakness in asking for love and prayer. You would be surprised at how many people pray for you anyways (and not just in your time of need). Seriously though when troubles arrive I there fighting in your corner. whatever is going on there is nothing to be ashamed or embarassed of. Whether it is to be strong and silent, tell you my terrible jokes, bring you one of my awful burnt casseroles, hold your hand as we ask for Jesus, be an advocate, whatever Im there. All you have to do is ask. well I am have been will continue to pray for my friends anyways. Im not always the perfect friend but Im giving it my best. oh..P.S. even at your worst you still look beautiful to me.
one last thing, i didnt write this to embarass anyone, nor do I want anyone to think this is about feeling sorry for you. its just about love.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Christmas isnt over
So its the day after Christmas.. and all though the house not a creature is stirring except for me of course. Im not sure how long this will be since im supposed to be writing an article on Cross Country Skiing in MN. (lol..I know what do I know about xcountry skiing?) Anyways, so for the past few weeks I can admit I have been a bit of a scrooge. I hate christmas. I always have since I was little. Wait..let me clarify..its not Jesus..it is how trivial the holiday has become. I hate crowds, I hate watching people push each other and shove each other all for the sake of a toy. It becomes a contest of who can give the biggest and best present. call me crazy but thats a problem. I have heard people cry because they didnt get the present they wanted. I have heard people tell others they dont want the present they are given. It makes me especially sad when I see people who have been loyal are forgotten about. feelings this year like every year have been really hurt and Im not saying anyone in particular but talking in general. It has become all about ME (not me but you know what i mean) and less about others. It never ceases to amaze me that some people are always on the receiving end and others are always giving unconditionally. I seriously was about to boycott christmas and go hibernate some where till next year.
But then I realized after talking to my friend Wes that yes christmas makes me crabby but its hard for me to complain this time of year because I got all I ever needed. I have good friends to have great conversation with and a whole lot of love. what else could I ask for? I guess i just wish that people would understand some things about Christmas:
Ok first off You cant out buy the greatest gift we have given. You can spend all the money in the world and you can race to every store but you will never surpass the gift of a King. Jesus is the best, most priceless gift we are lucky enough to have received.
Second, the best gifts do not come in traditional packages. Think about it NO ONE expected that a baby born in an old smelly manger would save humanity
Third, it is not about the gift you give but rather the heart you give it with. A gift given with love is special beyond measure and should be cherished. So despite my frustration im going to do my best to keep giving because God loves a cheerful giver.
I have heard people say things like: "this is the one day I go to church." or "its christmas, the one day i have to be nice and polite." "Its the one holy day of the year." Well why cant everyday be christmas? We should be celebrating the birth of Christ everyday because with out it we were doomed. His birth, His life, His Resurrection are ever lasting and they arent just for us on one day. We should be treating each other with kindness and respect and giving gifts of love every day, not one day of the year.
just a thought-love you :)
But then I realized after talking to my friend Wes that yes christmas makes me crabby but its hard for me to complain this time of year because I got all I ever needed. I have good friends to have great conversation with and a whole lot of love. what else could I ask for? I guess i just wish that people would understand some things about Christmas:
Ok first off You cant out buy the greatest gift we have given. You can spend all the money in the world and you can race to every store but you will never surpass the gift of a King. Jesus is the best, most priceless gift we are lucky enough to have received.
Second, the best gifts do not come in traditional packages. Think about it NO ONE expected that a baby born in an old smelly manger would save humanity
Third, it is not about the gift you give but rather the heart you give it with. A gift given with love is special beyond measure and should be cherished. So despite my frustration im going to do my best to keep giving because God loves a cheerful giver.
I have heard people say things like: "this is the one day I go to church." or "its christmas, the one day i have to be nice and polite." "Its the one holy day of the year." Well why cant everyday be christmas? We should be celebrating the birth of Christ everyday because with out it we were doomed. His birth, His life, His Resurrection are ever lasting and they arent just for us on one day. We should be treating each other with kindness and respect and giving gifts of love every day, not one day of the year.
just a thought-love you :)
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
birthday reflections
good morning..with being a year older, and the year coming to the end i thought it was time to reflect again What a year it has been. I have got to be honest it was not the best year for me or so many people i know. For starters i figured it out and I spent over 3 months in the hospital this year. 3 months!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you very much H1N1, cancer and kidney disese. oy. If I wasnt in the hospital I was sitting because I could barely breathe. what else happened? Well I lost my best friend. I lost my family and rediscovered my family in the same breath. I was beyond hurt and betrayed. It gets tiring. Break ups, stupid boys, and girls that are quick to sell you out for stupid boys. some people say you have to move forward and I get that but there is a huge differnece between acknowledgement and acceptance. You can accept things and acknowledge they hurt your feelings.
This has not been a year of all bad. There have been some laughs. a lot of laughs. my baby is home where he belongs. I am offically off oxygen and yesterday my middle name could have been happy feet because I couldnt stop dancing. ugly sweater, sparkly shoes, hospital robe and all and if you think I wasnt dorkishly dancing around my house the way I only could you dont me very well. This year I met some great new friends.had many great adventures working on various projects. I found out who really loved me (and who never has). I was reunited with old friends. Love doesnt always show its self when we want it but is always there when you need it in all kinds of forms. I beat breast cancer (and you cant even tell that I had a masectomy)I graduated college. (3.78 even though I had 90 days in a hospital bed).
It may not have all been good but its another year in my life. You cant complain when you get to be here another year. You never know when your time is up so if God wants you here for somemore time that must be a good thing. I look forward to making my dreams come true this next year.and I look forward to sharing it with you. I gaurntee there will be some laughter, hopefully the freakish and bizaire accidents will be kept to a minimum.(although we figured out I end up averaging an accident a year..so we will see). There will probly be some more tears but definetly some ugly sweaters along with shoes and glasses only I could rock. So..fasten your seatbelts and get ready.
I got several cards in the mail yesterday. all of which made me smile. (thanks J)but one of them said something that should apply to you as well. ok, this will only make sense if you know my love for shoes (all things really) that sparkle. Between my shoes and my neon glasses you could see me from space but This is what he wrote:
"To the dorkiest and most clumsy girl I know: I dont know when you became so beautiful and amazing but you did it. I hope next year you take a few more chances and have more good times then bad. What I really want for you is to sparkle and be bright like those dang ugly shoes and glasses you wear."
lol..got to love my friends. Some people would be offended but I am the first to make fun of myself and I know that I am clumsy (how many people do you know stab themselves in the eye with a crab leg and squirt hydracortisone cream in there eye all w/ in 24 hours or break their foot because they are hopping around..lol)and I know my style is uinique and something that isnt for everyone but isnt life about standing out?
That is all I for now..till next time.xox
This has not been a year of all bad. There have been some laughs. a lot of laughs. my baby is home where he belongs. I am offically off oxygen and yesterday my middle name could have been happy feet because I couldnt stop dancing. ugly sweater, sparkly shoes, hospital robe and all and if you think I wasnt dorkishly dancing around my house the way I only could you dont me very well. This year I met some great new friends.had many great adventures working on various projects. I found out who really loved me (and who never has). I was reunited with old friends. Love doesnt always show its self when we want it but is always there when you need it in all kinds of forms. I beat breast cancer (and you cant even tell that I had a masectomy)I graduated college. (3.78 even though I had 90 days in a hospital bed).
It may not have all been good but its another year in my life. You cant complain when you get to be here another year. You never know when your time is up so if God wants you here for somemore time that must be a good thing. I look forward to making my dreams come true this next year.and I look forward to sharing it with you. I gaurntee there will be some laughter, hopefully the freakish and bizaire accidents will be kept to a minimum.(although we figured out I end up averaging an accident a year..so we will see). There will probly be some more tears but definetly some ugly sweaters along with shoes and glasses only I could rock. So..fasten your seatbelts and get ready.
I got several cards in the mail yesterday. all of which made me smile. (thanks J)but one of them said something that should apply to you as well. ok, this will only make sense if you know my love for shoes (all things really) that sparkle. Between my shoes and my neon glasses you could see me from space but This is what he wrote:
"To the dorkiest and most clumsy girl I know: I dont know when you became so beautiful and amazing but you did it. I hope next year you take a few more chances and have more good times then bad. What I really want for you is to sparkle and be bright like those dang ugly shoes and glasses you wear."
lol..got to love my friends. Some people would be offended but I am the first to make fun of myself and I know that I am clumsy (how many people do you know stab themselves in the eye with a crab leg and squirt hydracortisone cream in there eye all w/ in 24 hours or break their foot because they are hopping around..lol)and I know my style is uinique and something that isnt for everyone but isnt life about standing out?
That is all I for now..till next time.xox
Saturday, December 12, 2009
daily dose of me
well good morning...its time for another installment of yours truly. Big suprsise but right this second here is whats going on..its 5 Am and one of my oldest friends is getting married tomorrow and yes I am still awake, and naturally in addition to being sleep deprived, I am wheezy (of course one day forward and 7 back)having a lupus flare and over all feel very blah and of course when the dog ate my glasses and i ripped my contacts I became pretty much blind, and using my old glasses im seeing double which happens to be exaggerated 10 fold right now but it is ok because i wouldnt be sitting here talking to you otherwise. The way i see it (ha no pun intended)sleep is for the weary but when 12 hours from now I am in tears it will be in part to sleep depravation. So I read a study today in a magazine about blogging. It turns out 98% of people who read blogs dont comment even when they know they have permission to do so. It said people need frequent permission and reminders to comment. It suggested that it is a way for many of us to fullfill our unending need for gossip and information all while remaining annoymous.. the studying calls it lurking but to me that word is like something the creepy neighbor would be doing at this hour..so we will just call it browsing. So the study says serious bloggers (like myself.. you cant see me semi smiling/squinting/rolling my eyes because I am kidding. i dont take myself too serious, well most days or atleast right now) are suppose to give people permission to browse and comment. So.. please browse away, comment away I value your voice in conversation.. :)
so today some other things have come to my mind as yesterday they come in a list (if you dont know this by now I have lists for everything..and I mean EVERYTHING.. and even some lists of lists)and well like my dad says sometimes I cant just say a word or two..ok pretty much all the time I cant say a word or two but hey its all part of my charm. but so here is the lesson of today:
There are always people who love you even you dont know them and it is never too late to reconnect. The term stranger is relative.
Family matters and full house never get old for me. John Stamos and Jaleel White are dreamy, and these shows even at 520 AM make me giggle.
Sometimes I giggle and giggle and giggle some more and then become slighty irrational the next minute. I sometimes get super excited and even talk so fast i make my own head hurt. But hey even the greatest people in the world have mood swings. Again, i like to say its part of my natural charm
I really love diet code red mtn.dew. I mean really really love it.
Sometimes even I am quiet, and may not have something or anything to say. and it bugs when people think just because I am quiet that there is something wrong or that I am upset. sometimes I want to gather my thoughts. It also bugs me when people say but I know you. Look not even I can predict when I feel go into hush mode. even the biggest blabbermouths have the right to silence.
I know what my problems are ... I could make a list and well my list would probly be ten times longer for myself then you could ever make so please lay off. please.
I upset someone last night..didnt mean too..they jumped to conclusions and made assumptions that i was holding something back.. i wasnt..but what i realized is sometimes for some people i have to be overly specific
If you are going to continue to be my friend (not anyone specific person but the metephoric you)then you need to support my mission. (and what mission doesnt matter and mission is somestimes i.e. for goals) To do that you may need to step out. (out where doesnt matter because again its about the metaphor)
There are some people and sometimes when I have been more than compliant and well even I have a right to get fed up...patience is a virtue but even the patient hearted can get pushed to their limits.
Some people have a strange way of expressing love..its not good or bad. it just different and well i need to work on accepting that.
I lose things..a lot and i mean a lot. So not my favorite thing about me.
Ever since I was little I have kind of been a chamelon.. (and not in terms of my relationship w/ you but in terms of myself) little did I know (or maybe i did but never wanted to admit) that it causes a lot of people agitation, frustration and disappointment. again working on it..
So earlier today I was really frustrated..because I saw a girl who was living my life. No, i wasnt a victim of literal identity theft but more of the figurative kind. She was hanging with my friends, watching the shows i watched, taking the vacation that i wanted and had planned on taking. At first I was really mad, and then I was really sad and i wanted to cry:"hey what about me?" but i didnt..not because i didnt want to but because i realized that when I was that girl I didnt like who I was. I wasnt allowed to be me. I was literally the overweight brunette sidekick in the blondetourage. I was the sidekick I didnt want to be. and I dont want to be sidekick again.. maybe I want to and deserve to and should be the star of the show verses the girl on the sideline..even if that girl did have great glasses. So the new brunette can have the blondtourage because feeling unworthy, betrayed, unloved, unpretty well those are all yucky (i spend to much time w/ kids) feelings and anyone who needs to make others feel that way on purpose is not someone I need around. No thank you, and I used to be worried that my life would be nothing w/o being that cheerleader, and I even cried because i thought id have no friends would never go out again. i know ridcoulous right? but the truth is I have amazing friends in amazing places and I wouldnt trade them in for anything. For a minute I was so mad i thought about driving the 12 miles to throw my shoe around once or twice..but I have found that the best recipe for revenge in life isnt to get in a fight the way only i could and the kind that only be worth or royalty or a super heroine. rather the best recipe for revenge is to go out and live your best life possible full of laughter and love..
So.. someone asked me why I put on my best poker face in terms of myself. Truth is I dont know, it used to be feed the blondtourages ego even if it meant hurting myself..some of it is perfectionism..sometimes it is easier to lay down and play dead then to roll over..sometimes i worry that i will hurt A's feelings or this person's feelings or that person's feelings the point it is it doesnt really matter because i was finding reasons to not be the person I am and was suppose to me all along. There is no hiding anymore.. this is me.. this is who I am.. where I have been and where I am going and you have your talents and i have mine and it is ok that they are different. perhaps each of us should assume our rightful throne (not to the point to where you making an idol of yourself) rather get out there take a chance and be excellent in all God has loveingly blessed you with.
So.. there were some hurt feelings today, and i even made my brother cry..more than once. Now you know I love Chris and would never make him cry intenionally and while i feel terrible about it the truth is even for him the truth hurts. For the first time maybe ever I have made an effort to get out there..to live my life maximize my potential rather than minimize it..put myself first..make healthy choices..be an overall well rounded person. I have spent a lifetime literally making lists, taking care of others, trying to be perfect, avoiding the truth, watchiing others live their lives wishing i was. (even though I have known all along) Part of being well rounded is being getting out their being vulnerable and experinceing new things.There is value in stepping out of your comfort zone. There is so much of the world I want to see. I want to go to plays, museums, and bollywood movies. I want to shake hands with a stranger, volunteer, listent to poetry take a walk (ok.. well the walk is stretching it but you get the idea). I feel like i need to make up for lost time.. I have spent a lot of time missing out.. not that the view isnt enjoyable from the sidelines because I dont want you to feel sorry for me. I just know that some people have lost valuable time in their relationships because they are stuck inside. I cant think of how many times when I have followed chris around more then my toy poodle ever could insisting that he go out and do something and just suck it up and deal with it. More often then not he ends up having a great time even when it was something he didnt think he could or he didnt want to do. Now my dad says some people are homebodies and life to be comfortable and i shouldnt be pushy (hey pushy is in my nature)One of my best friends will tell you it is because she has anxiety, A..and D and well tons of others will be quick to tell you they dont have money, they work full time, have kids, go to school, have to run mom's taxi full time, they have husbands (or exe's).. the list is never ending, and well my list of who labels and relations is never ending too. Sometimes I feel like the ring master trying to juggle a bad version of the circus. I am not suggesting you move across country, or stand up on stage naked, I am not talking about spending tons of money.. I am talking about doing something different everyonce in awhile. Something out of the hum-drum of life. Not that there is not value in routine, because I have met some of my favorite people doing things that are familiar and comfortable. Yet being comfortable has gotten me into a lot of trouble.. and I am bored..not with you but with the same old.. Truth is I love you, if I didnt I wouldnt hope for you to have the best life possible expereinces and meet the best people and have as much exposure to culture and richness as possible. For some people this is the a huge barrier in our relationship. sad but true.. and when you dont push yourself to have a good time you end up doing yourself a diservice believe me i know. Im not saying do something you dont want to do.. This whole cultural exposure, being vulnerable and stepping out of the square thing yeah im working on it too. Its not about me talking down to you or telling you what to do more just telling you how i feel and what i want for you.
If you want to be happy, if you want to meet new people, if you want to be a sucuess you cant wait for things to come to you, believe me i know. A psychiatrist once said (and not my shrink) its not about making huge leaps and bounds its about getting out of the darkness of the basement. Open up the curtains and let some sunshine in.. you will be suprised at hour lovely it can be even if you are risking sunburn. thats all i got..im a hot mess..wait so are you.. I guess that is the beauty of humanity. with that i say good morning.
so today some other things have come to my mind as yesterday they come in a list (if you dont know this by now I have lists for everything..and I mean EVERYTHING.. and even some lists of lists)and well like my dad says sometimes I cant just say a word or two..ok pretty much all the time I cant say a word or two but hey its all part of my charm. but so here is the lesson of today:
There are always people who love you even you dont know them and it is never too late to reconnect. The term stranger is relative.
Family matters and full house never get old for me. John Stamos and Jaleel White are dreamy, and these shows even at 520 AM make me giggle.
Sometimes I giggle and giggle and giggle some more and then become slighty irrational the next minute. I sometimes get super excited and even talk so fast i make my own head hurt. But hey even the greatest people in the world have mood swings. Again, i like to say its part of my natural charm
I really love diet code red mtn.dew. I mean really really love it.
Sometimes even I am quiet, and may not have something or anything to say. and it bugs when people think just because I am quiet that there is something wrong or that I am upset. sometimes I want to gather my thoughts. It also bugs me when people say but I know you. Look not even I can predict when I feel go into hush mode. even the biggest blabbermouths have the right to silence.
I know what my problems are ... I could make a list and well my list would probly be ten times longer for myself then you could ever make so please lay off. please.
I upset someone last night..didnt mean too..they jumped to conclusions and made assumptions that i was holding something back.. i wasnt..but what i realized is sometimes for some people i have to be overly specific
If you are going to continue to be my friend (not anyone specific person but the metephoric you)then you need to support my mission. (and what mission doesnt matter and mission is somestimes i.e. for goals) To do that you may need to step out. (out where doesnt matter because again its about the metaphor)
There are some people and sometimes when I have been more than compliant and well even I have a right to get fed up...patience is a virtue but even the patient hearted can get pushed to their limits.
Some people have a strange way of expressing love..its not good or bad. it just different and well i need to work on accepting that.
I lose things..a lot and i mean a lot. So not my favorite thing about me.
Ever since I was little I have kind of been a chamelon.. (and not in terms of my relationship w/ you but in terms of myself) little did I know (or maybe i did but never wanted to admit) that it causes a lot of people agitation, frustration and disappointment. again working on it..
So earlier today I was really frustrated..because I saw a girl who was living my life. No, i wasnt a victim of literal identity theft but more of the figurative kind. She was hanging with my friends, watching the shows i watched, taking the vacation that i wanted and had planned on taking. At first I was really mad, and then I was really sad and i wanted to cry:"hey what about me?" but i didnt..not because i didnt want to but because i realized that when I was that girl I didnt like who I was. I wasnt allowed to be me. I was literally the overweight brunette sidekick in the blondetourage. I was the sidekick I didnt want to be. and I dont want to be sidekick again.. maybe I want to and deserve to and should be the star of the show verses the girl on the sideline..even if that girl did have great glasses. So the new brunette can have the blondtourage because feeling unworthy, betrayed, unloved, unpretty well those are all yucky (i spend to much time w/ kids) feelings and anyone who needs to make others feel that way on purpose is not someone I need around. No thank you, and I used to be worried that my life would be nothing w/o being that cheerleader, and I even cried because i thought id have no friends would never go out again. i know ridcoulous right? but the truth is I have amazing friends in amazing places and I wouldnt trade them in for anything. For a minute I was so mad i thought about driving the 12 miles to throw my shoe around once or twice..but I have found that the best recipe for revenge in life isnt to get in a fight the way only i could and the kind that only be worth or royalty or a super heroine. rather the best recipe for revenge is to go out and live your best life possible full of laughter and love..
So.. someone asked me why I put on my best poker face in terms of myself. Truth is I dont know, it used to be feed the blondtourages ego even if it meant hurting myself..some of it is perfectionism..sometimes it is easier to lay down and play dead then to roll over..sometimes i worry that i will hurt A's feelings or this person's feelings or that person's feelings the point it is it doesnt really matter because i was finding reasons to not be the person I am and was suppose to me all along. There is no hiding anymore.. this is me.. this is who I am.. where I have been and where I am going and you have your talents and i have mine and it is ok that they are different. perhaps each of us should assume our rightful throne (not to the point to where you making an idol of yourself) rather get out there take a chance and be excellent in all God has loveingly blessed you with.
So.. there were some hurt feelings today, and i even made my brother cry..more than once. Now you know I love Chris and would never make him cry intenionally and while i feel terrible about it the truth is even for him the truth hurts. For the first time maybe ever I have made an effort to get out there..to live my life maximize my potential rather than minimize it..put myself first..make healthy choices..be an overall well rounded person. I have spent a lifetime literally making lists, taking care of others, trying to be perfect, avoiding the truth, watchiing others live their lives wishing i was. (even though I have known all along) Part of being well rounded is being getting out their being vulnerable and experinceing new things.There is value in stepping out of your comfort zone. There is so much of the world I want to see. I want to go to plays, museums, and bollywood movies. I want to shake hands with a stranger, volunteer, listent to poetry take a walk (ok.. well the walk is stretching it but you get the idea). I feel like i need to make up for lost time.. I have spent a lot of time missing out.. not that the view isnt enjoyable from the sidelines because I dont want you to feel sorry for me. I just know that some people have lost valuable time in their relationships because they are stuck inside. I cant think of how many times when I have followed chris around more then my toy poodle ever could insisting that he go out and do something and just suck it up and deal with it. More often then not he ends up having a great time even when it was something he didnt think he could or he didnt want to do. Now my dad says some people are homebodies and life to be comfortable and i shouldnt be pushy (hey pushy is in my nature)One of my best friends will tell you it is because she has anxiety, A..and D and well tons of others will be quick to tell you they dont have money, they work full time, have kids, go to school, have to run mom's taxi full time, they have husbands (or exe's).. the list is never ending, and well my list of who labels and relations is never ending too. Sometimes I feel like the ring master trying to juggle a bad version of the circus. I am not suggesting you move across country, or stand up on stage naked, I am not talking about spending tons of money.. I am talking about doing something different everyonce in awhile. Something out of the hum-drum of life. Not that there is not value in routine, because I have met some of my favorite people doing things that are familiar and comfortable. Yet being comfortable has gotten me into a lot of trouble.. and I am bored..not with you but with the same old.. Truth is I love you, if I didnt I wouldnt hope for you to have the best life possible expereinces and meet the best people and have as much exposure to culture and richness as possible. For some people this is the a huge barrier in our relationship. sad but true.. and when you dont push yourself to have a good time you end up doing yourself a diservice believe me i know. Im not saying do something you dont want to do.. This whole cultural exposure, being vulnerable and stepping out of the square thing yeah im working on it too. Its not about me talking down to you or telling you what to do more just telling you how i feel and what i want for you.
If you want to be happy, if you want to meet new people, if you want to be a sucuess you cant wait for things to come to you, believe me i know. A psychiatrist once said (and not my shrink) its not about making huge leaps and bounds its about getting out of the darkness of the basement. Open up the curtains and let some sunshine in.. you will be suprised at hour lovely it can be even if you are risking sunburn. thats all i got..im a hot mess..wait so are you.. I guess that is the beauty of humanity. with that i say good morning.
Friday, December 11, 2009
bill gates plus me (sorry its long)
hello friends, so remember when I made that commitment to write everyday.. yeah well we are going to try this again.. it still amazes me that H1N1 has taken so much out of me.. the doctor said it would.. but still. There have other reasons I havent written. Honestly a lot of crap has gone down (which for me doesnt it always) and well it has caused writers block. I have been honestly and you know I keep it real.. been walking around in a cloud of yuck..illness (duh) family and just over all uncertainty has really taken its toll on my spirit. In away though it was a good thing because I realized I needed to go back to basics. Not worrying about others rather doing the things I like for me and because I like them. There are hobbies and things I had wanted to do but never did because people said you cant do that or I was worried what the product would look like and well when your dad is an international artist and your family members are Grammy winners and things its alot of pressure to live up to. However like we say to preschoolers art in any form is not about the product rather the process. and the process is and will continue to be very therapeutic and well fun. Also, I got to be honest i recently found out that I have way more readers and well while I am happy its a lot pressure.. so i needed to take a step back and sometimes all writers suffer from writers block.. but here we are back to business.
So much has happened the good the bad the past few weeks and well here is some of the things I had to relearn: One God does really answer prayers.. but it may be something you dont really want after all. It is funny how you can pray for someone to return and within days you realize that their return was the last thing you needed. Two: Every one at some point should follow the advice of my favorite gal Wendy Williams and at some point call relationships for what they are and move on but it is AMAZING when you just finally realize someone is not worth your time. That being said I am all about spreading cheer (most days) and well I wish those of the past wellness and laughter but I am moving on.. have to. This is my life and I need to live it for me and well im sorry if that upsets you. Thirdly, some people will always be paranoid and they are who they are and we all look for people to blame when often times it is the wrong person I am just saying and well that makes me really sad. For the record while I am not perfect but I am also not the one to blame for your mom or your dad or whoever treated you badly. and Nor am I thief. just had to put that out there. I guess just please dont lie to me and i wont lie to you. A united front is much more effective to problem solving. I also, owe some of you an apology.. there are some people who think that my last blog was way harsh and out of character, and well you are right.. it was harsh but you know what sometimes even I can have an angry moment and i put myself out here so it is not all going to be candy canes and lemon drops but somethings will always make me fired up..domestic abuse for example not something i take with a grin.
Which leads me to this next topic.. ever since I was little before they asked the obvious question of where you adopted the first comment made by everyone from teachers, friends, coworkers, strangers, etc was " Carmen is so nice", followed by the adoption questions and why does she procrastinate etc... I am a nice person. atleast I try to be. but dont mistake my niceness for being weak or as a suggestion that I lack spunk and tenacity. Im just saying I will tell you how it is and I will not tolerate people insulting me on issues the fail to acknowledge or understand. I have heard a lot of negative stuff about me and while I dont really care I need to explain somethings to you.. a friend or as he would say an acquaints and that is a whole other rant, but he said Carmen sometimes you are very pushy and bossy. He says you really push yourself on people. ok point take I can see that maybe true.. but If I ever seem like Im being pushy then you know what it is because I love you and I want to spend time with you. There are alot of you to love and I just hate losing anyone, and for some of you E and a cousin or two included if I didnt shout you out i could fall off the face of the planet and you wouldnt know..and that makes me sad.. and I kate says or I was having a convo. w/ D about another person who doesnt get that life is busy with children. Hunny I get it.. I do have a child I have custody (I know big shock) of I have members of my family to deal with and doing the whole working/writing/freelancing thing/ and not to mention I four eyes that dont work right now, 1 boob, 3 ureters, kidney disease and lungs that dont think breathing is a necessity. so i get it but what I am saying is you cant hang out dnt want to fine/ but atleast let me in when things are going haywire because if nothing else my mind and my voice work and I know how to pray. Yes, sometimes I am bossy for example when I tell Chris he needs to eat veggies, or insist that A talk to someone about getting support from those that are their to help. Its all because I love my friends and family and I just want you to have every opportunity you can. Then someone else that when I am writing I used really big words in an effort to show that I am smarter than everyone else. Wrong.. since I was 4 years old I made lists from the dictionary..words are my thing and it isnt to prove I am or am not smarter than you or that I know more. I just like words and if you feel like I am talking down to you I am really not trying to do that. Someone else said I lack ambition which I find funny, This person mind you has failed to use his God Given talents. I have known where I was going and what I wanted since I was 4, and I may not always share my dreams with you b/c hey i think I put enough of myself out there. but guess what? How can you same I lack ambition when you dont ask what my goals are? I think to many times in life we make quick judgements about others when we NO room to talk but also are judgments are just assumptions and assumptions are often negative wrong and based on few facts. So I guess you need to know if you feel like being negative.. go for it .. because I enjoy proving the haters wrong. You make me want to work that much harder so thank you for that. So.. I am proud of who I am I am proud to be a college graduate, I am proud to be an accomplished artist I know where I am going and who I am going to be I know where I have been and I know for me great things are to come. Got to work on that mansion for Sherri and I.. lol. So I hope you are on board and willing to be supportive. I remain confident it may take me a little longer than others would like.. I may have had to struggle more than others and it may not have been your path or destiny but it is mine. but great things are coming. In all seriousness there are a few people and you know who you are who have really been my angels through these stressful and sad few months. even when we cldnt see each other you loved me from afar. When I wanted to run away and had nothing you where there.. you really saved me and gave me focus you may not have been who I expected but you where the angel I needed so THANK YOU!!
I know this is long but i found this when I was making my dedication board.. my former boss gave it to me a long time ago... Bill Gates Spoke to high school students a while back and this is what he had to say:
rule 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it.
rule 2: The world wont care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.
rule3: You will not make 60,000 a year right out of highschool. You wont be Vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
rule4: If you think your teacher is tough Wait till you get a boss.
rule5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents called it opportunity.
rule6: If you mess up it is not your parents fault. so dont whine about your mistakes learn from them.
rule7: Before you where born you parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way by paying bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents generation try delousing the closet in your own room.
rule8: your school may have down away with winners and losers but life has not.
rule9: Life is not divided into semesters. You dont get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. do that on your own time.
rule10: Television is not real life. In real life people have to leave coffee shops and go to jobs.
rule 11: Be nice to nerds chances are you will end up working for one
So much has happened the good the bad the past few weeks and well here is some of the things I had to relearn: One God does really answer prayers.. but it may be something you dont really want after all. It is funny how you can pray for someone to return and within days you realize that their return was the last thing you needed. Two: Every one at some point should follow the advice of my favorite gal Wendy Williams and at some point call relationships for what they are and move on but it is AMAZING when you just finally realize someone is not worth your time. That being said I am all about spreading cheer (most days) and well I wish those of the past wellness and laughter but I am moving on.. have to. This is my life and I need to live it for me and well im sorry if that upsets you. Thirdly, some people will always be paranoid and they are who they are and we all look for people to blame when often times it is the wrong person I am just saying and well that makes me really sad. For the record while I am not perfect but I am also not the one to blame for your mom or your dad or whoever treated you badly. and Nor am I thief. just had to put that out there. I guess just please dont lie to me and i wont lie to you. A united front is much more effective to problem solving. I also, owe some of you an apology.. there are some people who think that my last blog was way harsh and out of character, and well you are right.. it was harsh but you know what sometimes even I can have an angry moment and i put myself out here so it is not all going to be candy canes and lemon drops but somethings will always make me fired up..domestic abuse for example not something i take with a grin.
Which leads me to this next topic.. ever since I was little before they asked the obvious question of where you adopted the first comment made by everyone from teachers, friends, coworkers, strangers, etc was " Carmen is so nice", followed by the adoption questions and why does she procrastinate etc... I am a nice person. atleast I try to be. but dont mistake my niceness for being weak or as a suggestion that I lack spunk and tenacity. Im just saying I will tell you how it is and I will not tolerate people insulting me on issues the fail to acknowledge or understand. I have heard a lot of negative stuff about me and while I dont really care I need to explain somethings to you.. a friend or as he would say an acquaints and that is a whole other rant, but he said Carmen sometimes you are very pushy and bossy. He says you really push yourself on people. ok point take I can see that maybe true.. but If I ever seem like Im being pushy then you know what it is because I love you and I want to spend time with you. There are alot of you to love and I just hate losing anyone, and for some of you E and a cousin or two included if I didnt shout you out i could fall off the face of the planet and you wouldnt know..and that makes me sad.. and I kate says or I was having a convo. w/ D about another person who doesnt get that life is busy with children. Hunny I get it.. I do have a child I have custody (I know big shock) of I have members of my family to deal with and doing the whole working/writing/freelancing thing/ and not to mention I four eyes that dont work right now, 1 boob, 3 ureters, kidney disease and lungs that dont think breathing is a necessity. so i get it but what I am saying is you cant hang out dnt want to fine/ but atleast let me in when things are going haywire because if nothing else my mind and my voice work and I know how to pray. Yes, sometimes I am bossy for example when I tell Chris he needs to eat veggies, or insist that A talk to someone about getting support from those that are their to help. Its all because I love my friends and family and I just want you to have every opportunity you can. Then someone else that when I am writing I used really big words in an effort to show that I am smarter than everyone else. Wrong.. since I was 4 years old I made lists from the dictionary..words are my thing and it isnt to prove I am or am not smarter than you or that I know more. I just like words and if you feel like I am talking down to you I am really not trying to do that. Someone else said I lack ambition which I find funny, This person mind you has failed to use his God Given talents. I have known where I was going and what I wanted since I was 4, and I may not always share my dreams with you b/c hey i think I put enough of myself out there. but guess what? How can you same I lack ambition when you dont ask what my goals are? I think to many times in life we make quick judgements about others when we NO room to talk but also are judgments are just assumptions and assumptions are often negative wrong and based on few facts. So I guess you need to know if you feel like being negative.. go for it .. because I enjoy proving the haters wrong. You make me want to work that much harder so thank you for that. So.. I am proud of who I am I am proud to be a college graduate, I am proud to be an accomplished artist I know where I am going and who I am going to be I know where I have been and I know for me great things are to come. Got to work on that mansion for Sherri and I.. lol. So I hope you are on board and willing to be supportive. I remain confident it may take me a little longer than others would like.. I may have had to struggle more than others and it may not have been your path or destiny but it is mine. but great things are coming. In all seriousness there are a few people and you know who you are who have really been my angels through these stressful and sad few months. even when we cldnt see each other you loved me from afar. When I wanted to run away and had nothing you where there.. you really saved me and gave me focus you may not have been who I expected but you where the angel I needed so THANK YOU!!
I know this is long but i found this when I was making my dedication board.. my former boss gave it to me a long time ago... Bill Gates Spoke to high school students a while back and this is what he had to say:
rule 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it.
rule 2: The world wont care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.
rule3: You will not make 60,000 a year right out of highschool. You wont be Vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
rule4: If you think your teacher is tough Wait till you get a boss.
rule5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents called it opportunity.
rule6: If you mess up it is not your parents fault. so dont whine about your mistakes learn from them.
rule7: Before you where born you parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way by paying bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents generation try delousing the closet in your own room.
rule8: your school may have down away with winners and losers but life has not.
rule9: Life is not divided into semesters. You dont get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. do that on your own time.
rule10: Television is not real life. In real life people have to leave coffee shops and go to jobs.
rule 11: Be nice to nerds chances are you will end up working for one
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