life and death

So.. in case you are not aware the past few weeks have been kind of trying for me. I was sick. really sick. i had h1n1 (yes tested and confirmed) and every other infection one could imagine, and well I almost died. literally. In fact I was just released from the hospital after 3 weeks. Now for someone who is going to say well she must be exaggerating if i only I was. To have such an experience and to be so helpless is such a crazy thing. Now I have to say that I am very grateful to be alive. I also have to say that I have made several people cry with my attitude on all this. My intention is not to make anyone cry or to upset someone. Nor am I writing this for shock value. I am not pointing fingers at anyone more than I am myself. With all that being said I am mad well down right angry as a matter of fact. So there I am in the hospital obviously the sickest person there by anyone's standards. and you would not believe the number of phone calls I was getting. Why is this a bad thing? well its not. however here is my problem. A month or two ago despite my best efforts these were people who barely even noticed I existed. Despite my best effort and attempts at trying to get their attention and approval there was nothing. I could have fell off of the face of the planet and they would have just carried on. All of sudden they hear you could die and they are calling five times a day. They spend years ignoring you and never telling you they love you and now they cant tell you enough. Why do we that? Do even really care? Is out guilt? Is it our ego and if just cry a little and say I love someone maybe we justify our actions? I dont really know. Now dont get me wrong I am happy to hear that from these people now however the question that has risen in my mind: Will these people call me in a month or two and tell me the same thing or am I going to have to be on my death bed again? (which hopefully, Lord willing will not be happening anytime soon) Then there is the next group of people that upset me. You tell them you are sick and its critical and becomes a conversation of oh really? that sucks. I dont want people to be fake and be concerned because of their guilt or because they other people will be watching/listening however genuine compassion is always a good thing. How can you claim to be my friend and then not be interested if your friend almost dies? really? Then people would tell me about how they had this going on with their family or that going on or drama at work, etc. etc. In the grand scheme of things does the pettiness and drama really matter? I also am not insensitive to the fact that all of us have problems. While I was having issues one of my closet and most beautiful friends was dealing with a cancer diagnoses. Things happen and we all have problems. I am not the kind of person to expect you to drop everything during your crisis and come running to me. What I expect from you (which is what you should expect from me) is compassion and love. I think we can all do better at appreciating each other while we are here. The truth we are only promised today and thats it. So today you should tell someone you love them and that you care. Today is the blessing. The other thing is it shouldnt take almost dying for us to realize that there is so much to do in life and so much fun to have. Just know that even though I dont say it enough I love you and I am grateful for you. So go out rock your life and your friendships. With that being said I am off to think about how I want to make things different.