friends

The past few weeks I have been at a place where I was feeling torn. People have been asking what is going on with me and truth is I am not even sure I know. At any rate all of this has sure got me thinking. (Are you surprised?) Thinking about life, my life and relationships. Who do you trust? Who is your friend? Who isn’t? Who did you think was your friend but turns out they never were? Who was always your friend even when didn’t believe or deserve it? Such are the mysteries of the unknown. And why do we choose the friends we do? At what point do we end relationships that never even really began? Or do we continue to do ourselves as a disservice in the waiting for ambition and anticipation of change? I guess those become questions we each have to ask of ourselves…

Ok let me prefix this like usual with the “If I’m talking about you, you will know.” Really.. If you need to call me and ask me “are you talking about me?” perhaps you are answering your own question. Recently, I have friends say some interesting stuff to me. Some good some not so good but all leaving me feeling torn and in some cases really sad.

One friend recently told me “Don’t feel bad that you are not pretty.”
Another recently told me “Just be glad you’re hot” (and let me say I have a point and it isn’t to announce that people think I’m pretty)
When I recently randomly polled my friends as I do sometimes (you may have missed my rant about randomness being part of my charm) I asked what are my best and worst qualities and for my worst: the overwhelming response was you aren’t thin. Followed by the best being well you have a pretty face. (With an occasional or knock out or gorgeous thrown in there).

Now I can tell you no one mentioned the fact that I am habitually late (despite my best efforts to be on time) that I can be rude and abrupt (shocked I know right..?) or that I have cried at every single movie I have seen in the last 10 years and I do mean every single one. Or that I’m quirky, funny, sweet, and sincere and the list could go on and on and on…. Hmmmmm

I had another group of friends wonder why I talk to some of the people I do, especially when they don’t know them. These friends can’t help but remind me that they think other friends of mine are annoying rude or obnoxious and my personal favorite needy and immature. In fact it becomes hard for them to possibly imagine why in the world some one of a certain stature or appearance would be friends with me or vice versa? Again to all of that I say hmmmmmmm


So I have been going through some life changes and making some big life decisions. And if you don’t know I am not going to tell you just yet, and what it is doesn’t even matter. But what I will say is they more serious and life altering than which Hanson song I will be rocking out to later or which pair of glasses I am going to be wearing (purple today) hopefully in all good time people will find out. So I turned down one huge opportunity to do something life changing for another huge life decision. Sometimes we put away one dream (for now) to pursue another. The reaction from the peanut gallery has not been good. The first response was “Oh...” the second response was “Are you sure?” followed by a “what you thinking?” “I’m disappointed “and a “oh I guess it’s your decision” a “why” followed by my personal favorite “Why the Heck (we are keeping this PG) would you go and do that? I would do so many other things first.” Ok people…I’m in a coffee shop so I will do my very best not to yell at the computer and cause a scene (and why I’m at a coffee shop instead home in my bed is a whole other crabby filled story) listen closely (which btw the first person to call me or text me and ask me what decision I’m making is going to get a very crabby filled Carmen just saying) Last time I checked I was the only person occupying as this body civility. Yep it’s just me (and chanel lol..inside joke you have to have heard to understand). And I’m going to say this as nicely as I can. I am not, do not, have not, will not sharing my life for your approval. I’ve said it before I am in indecisive person by nature I would like to think it is because I am so hyper analytical. At any rate there are times in life when I do make decisions they are often random (as was this one) out of the blue and usual bordering on the state or irrationality. I would like to say that I march to my own drum and do things my way and in my time the irony in doing things (at least for me ) in a non conforming style is that they usually turn out better. However I do not need your approval. So this would be the perfect time to remember what your mother should have if she did not teach you and that is sometimes you need to remember to shut up.( and I mean that nicely) life is changing and it is exciting, and nerve racking enough without you throwing your two cents in to the mix.

And for that person or two (and you know who you are) who is going to say “why are you leaving me out?” well the best predictor of future behavior is the past and you can decide what that means. Sometimes people mistake my big blabbering mouth for my wanting to share every single detail of my life with every single person I know. Quite the contrary actually.

OK so I guess I will tell you what I think about friendships and what I want and well you can decide or ponder about it all.

First of all I think it is so beyond ridiculous that the best and or worse thing my friends can see in me is my looks. Really????? I can honestly tell you I never met someone and said “wow you’re hot, or thin, or ugly or fat so let’s be friends” Your friends should be the people who would not care tomorrow if you died your hot pink and decided to get a tiger tattoo in honor of Mike Tyson. If I grew massive warts between my eyes next week I would like to think my friends would love. Real love is not based on vanity or body shape it should be based on mutual respect and trust.

Friendship is not about giving me your opinion on everything I do and tell me that every choice I make is wrong, nor should a friend be shocked that people would actually find me attractive (socially/emotionally/physically/intellectually) without any kind of ulterior motivations.

Friends should support your choices even if they don’t agree and even when they are certain you will flop on your face a good friend doesn’t rub it in with degradation or intimidation rather they wipe away your tears and hold your hand as you get back up.

A good friend celebrates your success and your happiness and shares in your sorrows.
A good friend makes themselves available and not because they are seeking attention or hoping for recognition. And certainly a not because there is fear they are being left out of the gossip. I guess truth be told we could all be better friends.
First let me say im not sharing this because im trying to be mysterious or secretive or leave anyone out (wait did I say that already? Been a long day lol). The point is that we all make choices some good some bad some great well and some that are down right dumb and we all need people to tell either way its ok. The other thing I want to say is many times people are paranoid (not anyone in particular) but they think im describing them please don’t apologize to me if you think you did do something to upset me. Well wait thank you but often the ones that need to pay attention don’t. just saying.

And someone said people are concerned because they love you and I know that the intentions are good and if you want to approach me that’s fine but I also know my life my body my circumstance. And often the ones that are the most “concerned” are either trying to cast their issues on to someone else OR..they are the ones that are the most disconnected detached and occasionally clueless.

So how bout this? We open the lines of communication but at the end of the day respect is so important.You focus on loving me and living your life and supporting mine and I will do the same for you. Because that’s what friends do.