the past few very long days

the past few days have been a whirlwind for me. I have spent the past two weeks or so very scared. i have have literally been weathering some uncertain times.yep i have some potentially major life changing issues. I'm sick.. and though prognosis is good.. the reality is I'm really sick not the chronic pain that i usually deal with, not the run of the mill cold. what it is doesn't matter and until i know how things are going to go i don't even want to talk about what it is. There are going to be people who read this ( since i know you cant get enough of me )that will say I'm sure.."why didn't you tell me?" and I am probably going to make some people mad by the fact that i have left them in the dark. The truth is there are several reasons i have left a lot of people in the dark. One I have been in denial. There are only four moments in my life i felt like i had been suckered punched and truly couldn't breathe. this was one of those moments. when that happens to me it is like i literally cant speak or think I'm a mere zombie going through the motions. Then there is the fact that I am given my personality by design a stubborn and and independent person. I have always tried to do things myself even when that seem illogical to most ( and sometimes it does border on the irrational). and let precursor this by saying I am not openly criticizing most people.. nor is this going to be a rant about how person A, B, and C, (and E, F, G) suck. I promise i have a positive point that I am getting to eventually. So.. the question I found myself asking is why if you are facing your own immortality wouldn't you want to tell everyone you see? well, people are always the greatest creatures on the planet is why. (despite what our egos may tell us). I guess I don't want people around me who are there because they think others may notice if they are not. I'm not interested in my weakness glamorizing your ego. i don't want support from someone who is there so that the boast at church. People in crisis (and this goes beyond me) deserve genuine and sincere compassion and empathy. Call me crazy. Again I'm not saying everyone who doesn't know every detail isn't empathetic. Then of course there are those who you do let your guard down with and act with such disregard. Case in point.. there was someone who i told recently all that was going on .. and there was response was "wow.. that sucks but I'm busy see ya later bye." really? Then there was another nameless face who found out and said literally.."yeah i don't want to talk about you so back to me." this isn't the point where I want to be treated with reckless malice disregard and rudeness. thank you. I am good. So..it is those minority of people and yes i know that they are the minority that make it difficult to share life altering news with anyone. cause who wants to be hurt by people they call (or that call them friends?) Now for those of you that are saying.. is she talking about me? does she think she doesn't matter to me? doesn't she know that i have 3 young kids to take care or a husband or a job etc?? stop analyzing what i am saying and just listen. empathy is a skill and well some people do not have the mental health capacity to understand empathy much less be able to practice it.So yes there are certain people you can not expert much out of. Secondly, someone said to me a few weeks back you cant expect people to be perfect. Yeah i do know that. I don't expect people to be perfect and everyone at some point is going to let you down. i get that. We are all fallible. Nor do i expect you to leave your toddler on the side of the road or never to talk to your spouse only to be at my beckon call. I'm saying when someone says they need you they probably do. being supportive can sometimes be done in the span of minutes. Now i also want to say that i know I am loved. There are several people who have been so supportive and that is awesome and I am totally humbled by that fact. we all get hurt by people and sometimes we do mean things or we treat others with hostility because we have been hurt. ( i promise these two stories are related) I was one of those people. Someone did something awful to me so i in turn was a jerk, and treated some people that i loved ones i call friends with disregard. it was horrible and it was wrong. Well, in the midst of all my crazy medical stuff going on my friend died. He was only in his 30's and now a wife is left to grieve two teenage boys are without their dad. There was no warning. He wasn't reckless it was simply his time. I never did get around to saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry i wasn't there, I'm sorry i said those awful things or treated you with such cruelty. I'm left with that guilt, and i am sure he would or has forgiven me but that isn't the point. Life is short. Life is precious and life is random. Any of us could go tomorrow. ( I am not saying I am going tomorrow.. besides I'm quite the fighter) you don't want to be left with the guilt of not being there when someone asked for you. treat others with kindness respect and compassion. These are things you should do not for attention or recognition but because God has shown you mercy and grace. The world is full of enough sadness why not try dishing out some hope? I am lucky enough to know Jesus, and have an abundance of love from the majority of people in my life. Not everyone who is dealing with a serious medical issue is as lucky or blessed as I am . You never know when or where or how God wants to use you to bless someonelse. just something to think about.