lets just clear the air

so... since it is almost 5 in the morning and I cant sleep why not blog? So.. i know I am going to. offend a few people (as usual) but there are somethings you and I need to get straight. Yes, I am talking to you. Let me also just go out on a limb and say apology accepted so no need to send me letters or voicemail about it because I have been accepting apologies on this issue since I was a preteen. So.. to answer the question that appears to be on so many minds the answer is No when it comes to my recent surgery i did not have gastric bypass. When I posted a survey that said operation GBS. I apparently caused a lot of confusion. OK... that was a joke to my best friend about my massive crush on guy named Bob. I actually for those that don't know had a rapidly growing tumor taking up much of my breast. I have had to endure not only that surgery but will in all likelihood face the possibility of a full mastectomy. Now this is not a bashing gastric bypass conversation because there are a lot of people who have had it and it has worked wonders for them. In fact there are at least 6 people who are reading this that have had the operation, and all of whom have become successful at losing weight and being healthy. For some odd reason that bewilders me people seem to think that if you are fat, they can talk to you in a way that is disrespectful. Here is what I have heard over recent weeks: "you should get gastric bypass so you can be pretty." "If you were thin, P would want you to go out with them, and N wouldn't have hurt you like that." "When you lose weight people will like you and J and A will want to hang with you." " I don't mean to be rude but i don't understand why you are so fat, have you always been this big?" The list could go on and on and on.... and I am really angry about it to be honest and no, not at you per say but as a whole. even my best friend thought I was having gastric bypass. I know we live in a culture that is very visual and maybe people are just making an observation about me OK.. so I am fat.. can we all worry about ourselves and move on now? First off , If P doesn't want to hang with me well that is too bad for her. N is the one missing out and Jand A especially J are jerks. For those of you who are trying to analyze my weight you can stop now. My relationship with Emily is complex and it is something that myself and others in the mental health filed have been trying to figure out. Most of you may not remember when I was 110 pounds but I cant say that I was happier or had less problems. Oh, and on a side note for that one person who is going to say if you lost weight you'd be less sick. hate to break it to ya but I have had an auto immune illness since I was 12 and 120 pounds, throw in some kidney disease and my health will never be spectacular. I am again not saying being overweight is a bad thing or a good thing nor am I saying gastric bypass is or isn't in my future. My dear friend Kristin is most famous for having a moment when she said she was worth it. and she is. we all are. My being worthy of love is NOT going to start when you tell me it is OK or when society tells me I am good enough. I am, you are, we are good enough and worthy enough today. I love being me, I think beautiful and talented and deserving. Did I mention I was a total nerd? All of that will not change regardless of whether I am 300 pounds or 105. I've seen those captions you put under your pics when you call your self fat and ugly. I am not doing that. I refuse to self loathe. Life is just too short. For those of you that want to say you are really concerned about my weight ok fine but there is a way to approach someone that is respectful and if you are a stranger or someone i ha vent talked to in years it is not cool for you to not even ask how I am doing and immediately ask me about " the surgery" . Bottom line there is fine space between being concerned and just being obnoxious. Here's the deal and said this to John and he didn't think I was being serious but I am. I am a rockin good time, I appreciate my gorgeous self and those around me for who they are not their appearance. You are either on board and want to be my friend, or you dont. If you need to bounce thats cool. I done trying to sell myself or fit in to your expectations. You know and this is to a lot of people.. your beauty will fade... but self love and respect that endures. ... till next time, xoxo- carmen