daily dose of me

well good morning...its time for another installment of yours truly. Big suprsise but right this second here is whats going on..its 5 Am and one of my oldest friends is getting married tomorrow and yes I am still awake, and naturally in addition to being sleep deprived, I am wheezy (of course one day forward and 7 back)having a lupus flare and over all feel very blah and of course when the dog ate my glasses and i ripped my contacts I became pretty much blind, and using my old glasses im seeing double which happens to be exaggerated 10 fold right now but it is ok because i wouldnt be sitting here talking to you otherwise. The way i see it (ha no pun intended)sleep is for the weary but when 12 hours from now I am in tears it will be in part to sleep depravation. So I read a study today in a magazine about blogging. It turns out 98% of people who read blogs dont comment even when they know they have permission to do so. It said people need frequent permission and reminders to comment. It suggested that it is a way for many of us to fullfill our unending need for gossip and information all while remaining annoymous.. the studying calls it lurking but to me that word is like something the creepy neighbor would be doing at this hour..so we will just call it browsing. So the study says serious bloggers (like myself.. you cant see me semi smiling/squinting/rolling my eyes because I am kidding. i dont take myself too serious, well most days or atleast right now) are suppose to give people permission to browse and comment. So.. please browse away, comment away I value your voice in conversation.. :)
so today some other things have come to my mind as yesterday they come in a list (if you dont know this by now I have lists for everything..and I mean EVERYTHING.. and even some lists of lists)and well like my dad says sometimes I cant just say a word or two..ok pretty much all the time I cant say a word or two but hey its all part of my charm. but so here is the lesson of today:

There are always people who love you even you dont know them and it is never too late to reconnect. The term stranger is relative.

Family matters and full house never get old for me. John Stamos and Jaleel White are dreamy, and these shows even at 520 AM make me giggle.

Sometimes I giggle and giggle and giggle some more and then become slighty irrational the next minute. I sometimes get super excited and even talk so fast i make my own head hurt. But hey even the greatest people in the world have mood swings. Again, i like to say its part of my natural charm

I really love diet code red mtn.dew. I mean really really love it.

Sometimes even I am quiet, and may not have something or anything to say. and it bugs when people think just because I am quiet that there is something wrong or that I am upset. sometimes I want to gather my thoughts. It also bugs me when people say but I know you. Look not even I can predict when I feel go into hush mode. even the biggest blabbermouths have the right to silence.

I know what my problems are ... I could make a list and well my list would probly be ten times longer for myself then you could ever make so please lay off. please.

I upset someone last night..didnt mean too..they jumped to conclusions and made assumptions that i was holding something back.. i wasnt..but what i realized is sometimes for some people i have to be overly specific

If you are going to continue to be my friend (not anyone specific person but the metephoric you)then you need to support my mission. (and what mission doesnt matter and mission is somestimes i.e. for goals) To do that you may need to step out. (out where doesnt matter because again its about the metaphor)

There are some people and sometimes when I have been more than compliant and well even I have a right to get fed up...patience is a virtue but even the patient hearted can get pushed to their limits.

Some people have a strange way of expressing love..its not good or bad. it just different and well i need to work on accepting that.

I lose things..a lot and i mean a lot. So not my favorite thing about me.

Ever since I was little I have kind of been a chamelon.. (and not in terms of my relationship w/ you but in terms of myself) little did I know (or maybe i did but never wanted to admit) that it causes a lot of people agitation, frustration and disappointment. again working on it..

So earlier today I was really frustrated..because I saw a girl who was living my life. No, i wasnt a victim of literal identity theft but more of the figurative kind. She was hanging with my friends, watching the shows i watched, taking the vacation that i wanted and had planned on taking. At first I was really mad, and then I was really sad and i wanted to cry:"hey what about me?" but i didnt..not because i didnt want to but because i realized that when I was that girl I didnt like who I was. I wasnt allowed to be me. I was literally the overweight brunette sidekick in the blondetourage. I was the sidekick I didnt want to be. and I dont want to be sidekick again.. maybe I want to and deserve to and should be the star of the show verses the girl on the sideline..even if that girl did have great glasses. So the new brunette can have the blondtourage because feeling unworthy, betrayed, unloved, unpretty well those are all yucky (i spend to much time w/ kids) feelings and anyone who needs to make others feel that way on purpose is not someone I need around. No thank you, and I used to be worried that my life would be nothing w/o being that cheerleader, and I even cried because i thought id have no friends would never go out again. i know ridcoulous right? but the truth is I have amazing friends in amazing places and I wouldnt trade them in for anything. For a minute I was so mad i thought about driving the 12 miles to throw my shoe around once or twice..but I have found that the best recipe for revenge in life isnt to get in a fight the way only i could and the kind that only be worth or royalty or a super heroine. rather the best recipe for revenge is to go out and live your best life possible full of laughter and love..
So.. someone asked me why I put on my best poker face in terms of myself. Truth is I dont know, it used to be feed the blondtourages ego even if it meant hurting myself..some of it is perfectionism..sometimes it is easier to lay down and play dead then to roll over..sometimes i worry that i will hurt A's feelings or this person's feelings or that person's feelings the point it is it doesnt really matter because i was finding reasons to not be the person I am and was suppose to me all along. There is no hiding anymore.. this is me.. this is who I am.. where I have been and where I am going and you have your talents and i have mine and it is ok that they are different. perhaps each of us should assume our rightful throne (not to the point to where you making an idol of yourself) rather get out there take a chance and be excellent in all God has loveingly blessed you with.
So.. there were some hurt feelings today, and i even made my brother cry..more than once. Now you know I love Chris and would never make him cry intenionally and while i feel terrible about it the truth is even for him the truth hurts. For the first time maybe ever I have made an effort to get out there..to live my life maximize my potential rather than minimize it..put myself first..make healthy choices..be an overall well rounded person. I have spent a lifetime literally making lists, taking care of others, trying to be perfect, avoiding the truth, watchiing others live their lives wishing i was. (even though I have known all along) Part of being well rounded is being getting out their being vulnerable and experinceing new things.There is value in stepping out of your comfort zone. There is so much of the world I want to see. I want to go to plays, museums, and bollywood movies. I want to shake hands with a stranger, volunteer, listent to poetry take a walk (ok.. well the walk is stretching it but you get the idea). I feel like i need to make up for lost time.. I have spent a lot of time missing out.. not that the view isnt enjoyable from the sidelines because I dont want you to feel sorry for me. I just know that some people have lost valuable time in their relationships because they are stuck inside. I cant think of how many times when I have followed chris around more then my toy poodle ever could insisting that he go out and do something and just suck it up and deal with it. More often then not he ends up having a great time even when it was something he didnt think he could or he didnt want to do. Now my dad says some people are homebodies and life to be comfortable and i shouldnt be pushy (hey pushy is in my nature)One of my best friends will tell you it is because she has anxiety, A..and D and well tons of others will be quick to tell you they dont have money, they work full time, have kids, go to school, have to run mom's taxi full time, they have husbands (or exe's).. the list is never ending, and well my list of who labels and relations is never ending too. Sometimes I feel like the ring master trying to juggle a bad version of the circus. I am not suggesting you move across country, or stand up on stage naked, I am not talking about spending tons of money.. I am talking about doing something different everyonce in awhile. Something out of the hum-drum of life. Not that there is not value in routine, because I have met some of my favorite people doing things that are familiar and comfortable. Yet being comfortable has gotten me into a lot of trouble.. and I am bored..not with you but with the same old.. Truth is I love you, if I didnt I wouldnt hope for you to have the best life possible expereinces and meet the best people and have as much exposure to culture and richness as possible. For some people this is the a huge barrier in our relationship. sad but true.. and when you dont push yourself to have a good time you end up doing yourself a diservice believe me i know. Im not saying do something you dont want to do.. This whole cultural exposure, being vulnerable and stepping out of the square thing yeah im working on it too. Its not about me talking down to you or telling you what to do more just telling you how i feel and what i want for you.
If you want to be happy, if you want to meet new people, if you want to be a sucuess you cant wait for things to come to you, believe me i know. A psychiatrist once said (and not my shrink) its not about making huge leaps and bounds its about getting out of the darkness of the basement. Open up the curtains and let some sunshine in.. you will be suprised at hour lovely it can be even if you are risking sunburn. thats all i got..im a hot mess..wait so are you.. I guess that is the beauty of humanity. with that i say good morning.