bill gates plus me (sorry its long)

hello friends, so remember when I made that commitment to write everyday.. yeah well we are going to try this again.. it still amazes me that H1N1 has taken so much out of me.. the doctor said it would.. but still. There have other reasons I havent written. Honestly a lot of crap has gone down (which for me doesnt it always) and well it has caused writers block. I have been honestly and you know I keep it real.. been walking around in a cloud of yuck..illness (duh) family and just over all uncertainty has really taken its toll on my spirit. In away though it was a good thing because I realized I needed to go back to basics. Not worrying about others rather doing the things I like for me and because I like them. There are hobbies and things I had wanted to do but never did because people said you cant do that or I was worried what the product would look like and well when your dad is an international artist and your family members are Grammy winners and things its alot of pressure to live up to. However like we say to preschoolers art in any form is not about the product rather the process. and the process is and will continue to be very therapeutic and well fun. Also, I got to be honest i recently found out that I have way more readers and well while I am happy its a lot pressure.. so i needed to take a step back and sometimes all writers suffer from writers block.. but here we are back to business.
So much has happened the good the bad the past few weeks and well here is some of the things I had to relearn: One God does really answer prayers.. but it may be something you dont really want after all. It is funny how you can pray for someone to return and within days you realize that their return was the last thing you needed. Two: Every one at some point should follow the advice of my favorite gal Wendy Williams and at some point call relationships for what they are and move on but it is AMAZING when you just finally realize someone is not worth your time. That being said I am all about spreading cheer (most days) and well I wish those of the past wellness and laughter but I am moving on.. have to. This is my life and I need to live it for me and well im sorry if that upsets you. Thirdly, some people will always be paranoid and they are who they are and we all look for people to blame when often times it is the wrong person I am just saying and well that makes me really sad. For the record while I am not perfect but I am also not the one to blame for your mom or your dad or whoever treated you badly. and Nor am I thief. just had to put that out there. I guess just please dont lie to me and i wont lie to you. A united front is much more effective to problem solving. I also, owe some of you an apology.. there are some people who think that my last blog was way harsh and out of character, and well you are right.. it was harsh but you know what sometimes even I can have an angry moment and i put myself out here so it is not all going to be candy canes and lemon drops but somethings will always make me fired up..domestic abuse for example not something i take with a grin.
Which leads me to this next topic.. ever since I was little before they asked the obvious question of where you adopted the first comment made by everyone from teachers, friends, coworkers, strangers, etc was " Carmen is so nice", followed by the adoption questions and why does she procrastinate etc... I am a nice person. atleast I try to be. but dont mistake my niceness for being weak or as a suggestion that I lack spunk and tenacity. Im just saying I will tell you how it is and I will not tolerate people insulting me on issues the fail to acknowledge or understand. I have heard a lot of negative stuff about me and while I dont really care I need to explain somethings to you.. a friend or as he would say an acquaints and that is a whole other rant, but he said Carmen sometimes you are very pushy and bossy. He says you really push yourself on people. ok point take I can see that maybe true.. but If I ever seem like Im being pushy then you know what it is because I love you and I want to spend time with you. There are alot of you to love and I just hate losing anyone, and for some of you E and a cousin or two included if I didnt shout you out i could fall off the face of the planet and you wouldnt know..and that makes me sad.. and I kate says or I was having a convo. w/ D about another person who doesnt get that life is busy with children. Hunny I get it.. I do have a child I have custody (I know big shock) of I have members of my family to deal with and doing the whole working/writing/freelancing thing/ and not to mention I four eyes that dont work right now, 1 boob, 3 ureters, kidney disease and lungs that dont think breathing is a necessity. so i get it but what I am saying is you cant hang out dnt want to fine/ but atleast let me in when things are going haywire because if nothing else my mind and my voice work and I know how to pray. Yes, sometimes I am bossy for example when I tell Chris he needs to eat veggies, or insist that A talk to someone about getting support from those that are their to help. Its all because I love my friends and family and I just want you to have every opportunity you can. Then someone else that when I am writing I used really big words in an effort to show that I am smarter than everyone else. Wrong.. since I was 4 years old I made lists from the dictionary..words are my thing and it isnt to prove I am or am not smarter than you or that I know more. I just like words and if you feel like I am talking down to you I am really not trying to do that. Someone else said I lack ambition which I find funny, This person mind you has failed to use his God Given talents. I have known where I was going and what I wanted since I was 4, and I may not always share my dreams with you b/c hey i think I put enough of myself out there. but guess what? How can you same I lack ambition when you dont ask what my goals are? I think to many times in life we make quick judgements about others when we NO room to talk but also are judgments are just assumptions and assumptions are often negative wrong and based on few facts. So I guess you need to know if you feel like being negative.. go for it .. because I enjoy proving the haters wrong. You make me want to work that much harder so thank you for that. So.. I am proud of who I am I am proud to be a college graduate, I am proud to be an accomplished artist I know where I am going and who I am going to be I know where I have been and I know for me great things are to come. Got to work on that mansion for Sherri and I.. lol. So I hope you are on board and willing to be supportive. I remain confident it may take me a little longer than others would like.. I may have had to struggle more than others and it may not have been your path or destiny but it is mine. but great things are coming. In all seriousness there are a few people and you know who you are who have really been my angels through these stressful and sad few months. even when we cldnt see each other you loved me from afar. When I wanted to run away and had nothing you where there.. you really saved me and gave me focus you may not have been who I expected but you where the angel I needed so THANK YOU!!

I know this is long but i found this when I was making my dedication board.. my former boss gave it to me a long time ago... Bill Gates Spoke to high school students a while back and this is what he had to say:

rule 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it.
rule 2: The world wont care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.
rule3: You will not make 60,000 a year right out of highschool. You wont be Vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
rule4: If you think your teacher is tough Wait till you get a boss.
rule5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents called it opportunity.
rule6: If you mess up it is not your parents fault. so dont whine about your mistakes learn from them.
rule7: Before you where born you parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way by paying bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents generation try delousing the closet in your own room.
rule8: your school may have down away with winners and losers but life has not.
rule9: Life is not divided into semesters. You dont get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. do that on your own time.
rule10: Television is not real life. In real life people have to leave coffee shops and go to jobs.
rule 11: Be nice to nerds chances are you will end up working for one