thoughts on friendship

if you happened to see the pictures from last night, or received one of those late night calls well then you know i like to have fun and a good time. I love my friends but tonight I have a lot on my mind. I really do I love my friends and we have fun and while sipping sodas, watching movies a shot or 2 (or 3 or 4..or 5) is fun and all there really is more to friendship than that. Now i feel like ( and who knows when you consider how much i write) we have hashed this issue out before but lets do it again shall we? I know i have had this conversation with cousins, Krista, April, and N before but Some people are perfectly content with just having their friendships based around the party scene. or superficial things in general (some of this is based on the immaturity of J and M for example others such as S base this their friendships around partying because of vanity and ultimately self esteem issues). Call me crazy but I am not friends with you because of how much you do or dont like to party. Just like I am not friends with you because of what you do or dont look like. I dont care. I am friends with you because I like you for you, not for how many people you have made out with, what your waist size is or the color of your hair. I like you for who you are on the inside. Its annoying when people call me superficial because nothing could be further from the truth. Well and lets be honest because you know I am the type to call a spade a spade: My family sucks. hold the gasps for those of you who have known my family for years.. but its true. I dont have much family and the family i do have is crazy and does awful things (with the exception a couple of cousins) (thats a whole biography in and of itself) so I have had to rely on my friends for a sense of support. and part of being supported is giving support when it is needed. I can do that however when you dont let me. I want to be there, I want to have deeper connections with you but you have to make that choice to allow that to happen. It is very frustrating to have the want for that connection and you not wanting to allow it. For some ( and this is a very obvious few) it is because they are simply not capable due to mental health issues. Someone else i recently had this conversation with said it was because they were embarrassed and ashamed of the past or that there were worries of getting hurt since so many people had hurt them in the past. OK.. well let me just say that my friendship comes with a no embarrassment clause, no need to feel guilt or shame. The beauty of humanism is we are all flawed. Trust me I am no exception and I have done a lot of terrible things. No more than i expect to be judged do i judge you. I guess what i really need to tell you is that there are is beauty love forgiveness and mercy in Christ. Something to think about. While I am sorry for the things your ex wife said to you or how your father treated you it makes me sad that you are going to hold everyone who tries to enter your life responsible for the trespasses of others. I know it make come as a surprise but not everyone is out to hurt you. I know its scary to believe some people want to cherish you and respect you. There are people in life that want to raise you up. I can only do what I can and hope that someday you will see my love for you is real and unconditional. So.. at the end of the day know this: God loves you I think you are gorgeous, smart, amazing and full of potential. I love to party with you and hang out, I want to wear pjs and giggle about full house episodes but I also want to be the one you call in the middle of the night when you want to cry. I want to call you when I am looking through old scrap books and feeling the reality of heart break. I want to hold you hand when your sick, and your dad is dying. I want to be the one that you send out the S.O.S. to b/c you met an amazing guy or are in desperate need of some gel for that bad hair day.lol. I have told so many of you this before and it gets old repeatedly telling you this so just know I want to do all those things for you but I cant if you dont let me and I also cant continue to put effort into someone and get hurt. Nothing life is worth it if it doesnt involve some sort of risk and vulnerability. Sometimes our fear holds us back from amazing people and opprotunities and its really sad but often by the time we realize it its often too late. thats it.. im not sure there is much else i can say.