ugh

im so irritated maybe in part because its 4 am and here I am awake again.. big shocker..and something really strange is going on with me but there are a lot other reasons why.. so here goes and yes some may apply to you some may not. so you may not in fact know who or what I am talking about.
#1 what i am really sick of is people judging others. ive been reading some comments some people have posted the past few days.. things like she is fat so she must be lazy, she is standing on a corner so she must be a whore. or he must a homeless lazy junkie. who do you (and yes you) think you are? what for one second would make you think that this is ok? usually people say stuff out of fear, ignorance or to get a reaction. imagine if you were homeless or had an eating disorder and someone was saying that kind of stuff about you. wow.. and let me just say for all you Christians and hey this is (obviously) only my opinion but I have always believed that Jesus isnt necessarily going to come to earth riding down on cloud in large grandiose fashion. I believe Jesus will come as that homeless man you ridiculing and snickering at.
#2 things are always in the eye of the beholder. what was a mere binder to you has infact become my entire world. what was totally ok with you to disregard contained the hopes and dreams of two people held together by a few facts. but hey dont worry about it because as we each worry about us and only us the world will be great right?
#3 perhaps one of the things that irritates me the most is this constant need for attention. now some may say well you write for attention..no I write because it is what I was meant to and well when you have lupus one of the parts of the body that is effected the most is your hands and typing takes less of a toll and hello.. have you ever tried to read my writing? so no i dont do it for you.. i do it for me and when you are passionate about something you should practice it. at any rate there is a girl who writes on her fb page how excited she is to see certain people. ok..great.. never mind when the right people arent looking you are screaming and yelling obscenities. ugh.
#4 Let me also say this if I am pouring my heart and soul out to you dont laugh..even if is something stupid.. and i do have a tendency to cry over funny things. I am a sensitive person what can I say? If im asking to come spend time with you it is because I care about you. Friends need to support each other and how can I support you if not given the opportunity? and let me just say.. to tell me when I am about to trust you with something personal to tell me you dont have time for me and my problems is just plain rude and disrespectful. People think that because I am a party girl who likes to have a good time or because i lead a certain way of life that you can talk to me in a way that is just plain rude. its very annoying. and for the record actions speak louder than words, and it is not ok not to apologize when youre wrong and just because you are having a bad day doesnt mean you should take it out on other people. Hey, maybe if you changed your attitude and treated people with more gratitude things will start to look better for you.
#5 trust is so important to me. You cant complain if I push you away when every time i try to let you in you shatter that trust. I am the kind of person that trusts you until you break my trust and when you do i am guarded... and will remain that way. You may not even know that i dont trust you. We may have seen things differently but we can move forward with guided caution. things will never be fully ok when it comes to you and I so dont get your hopes up.
#6So i get a call about an upcoming event. I tryto be polite and civil but the control nut in me wants to scream. So let me just say when I have put 20 years into something its hardly a casual investment. despite what you may think.. or want to tell yourself. and just because She may like you ( and why i dont know) does not mean for one second that I do. So keep doing what you do. or go fly a kite, climb a tree, or move to bora bora I dont care.

To answer a few questions that keep popping up yes constructing my website and it should be up soon.

bottom line I wish that people say the joy ( even though this blog didnt sound very joyous) in life that I see. Yes, that joy does apply to the homeless that look away from or the girl you judge. I remain hopeful that there will be someday when we reach a place where we treat others with respect and compassion. thats it. all for now. didnt mean to be harsh. we will certainly catch up soon. xoxox