just venting

There is just a lot on my mind and going through my head and so I really need to vent because so much is happening.

ok happy things first.. well they didnt start off very happy. But as many of you know I grew up in a single parent household. I grew up with my mother's family. While they were wonderful I always felt like a part of me was missing. My immediate was family consisted of 2 aunts 2 uncles and cousins. In the past recent years my family has essentially disintegrated. I know longer have contact with my aunts or uncles. I dont know where two of my cousins even are. Its very sad..and this isnt about being dissing anyone because honestly I am way to worn out emotionally to do that. It is what it is.. and its ok. but i ended up for awhile feeling lost like i didnt know who I was or where I was going or where i fit in.

Then one day something strange happened..i had prayed for a family and that things would be different. well then i began talking to a whole family that i never knew. I have discovered all kinds of people who are on my dads side. Cousins, aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters. I love it. While there is a lot of time to catch up on im honored and blessed to be a part of this family. It is a huge blessing that all these years people have been caring for me and loving me.

In other news.. and im talking in generalizations mostly. These are just the thoughts going through my mind and they are not necessarily related.
One im sick again. boo. im hoping we dont get too ill, but i swear when its one of those things where it is too steps forward and 20 back. sigh... but we will just take it one day at a time.

Im so sad that my today is my sweet baby cousins bday whom I love and I have no idea where he is or how he is doing. it is just stupid.

im just sick of people being mean..honestly what do we have to gain from it?

Today I got the affirmation that i needed..some people are just not nice and quite frankly will never change. There are those of us who are who we are and we've reached our maximum potential..and well that is not necessarily a good thing but it is ok.

OK so my biggest strength and weakness in life is that I am too empathetic. to the point where it becomes too much..and well my need to be nice and let people know the truth has gotten me in trouble yet again. My intentions were good but it turned out all wrong. and I feel terrible. even when i know it will cause disagreements if someone asks me something and i know they will get hurt if i dont tell them then i tell. maybe makes me a bad person..idk..but it is what is.
sometimes i can become so enmeshed in others peoples problems however (even when the problem isnt their fault) and I have learned over the years when I need to take a step back. I hate it and it sucks but i have to look out for me. Someone can be really nice and sweet and even love you but that doesnt mean it is a healthy relationship for me to be in.

perhaps the biggest annoyance to me about humans is that we get caught in a lot of he said/she said. people pick sides..people they hear what they want to hear but truth always lies somewhere in the middle. There are a lot of assumptions that are made but that doesnt mean they are true. if we stop listen for a minute the truth can always be heard.

You know what else I have learned over the years if you dont have confidence fake it. self belief even on the outside can be a very endearing quality.

So ive decided to go after my dreams which is exciting and I guess it wouldnt be a dream if it wasnt met with opposition. while im happy and excited to take leap and do what my heart wants I feel terrible that other people will get hurt. However the heart wants what it wants and this life is way to short not to go after things. maybe things will work out maybe they wont but i dont want to live a life of regrets. in Gods hands it rests.
its early so there isnt too much more for me to say right now but there will be more later im sure and you know i will keep you posted