just thinking..

I cant sleep.. so rather than working hard for my money lol like i should be.. doped up if like I always am about this time so why not blog. so here is just random things i am thinking about. Not about anyone person for the most part just being random and general the way only I can.
* I think there is a right time and a right place for all things. There is a line between being pushy, being friendly and just plain being rude obnoxious and disrespectful. However (and I've said this before) if we were friends and something happens to you my heart hurts with yours. thats who I am. Even if you hate me (and maybe rightfully so) my heart still aches for you. When you are celebrating your finest moments and greatest accomplishments I am there with you if nothing else but in spirit. Trust me I pray for you. Sometimes the best kind of prayers are the ones that are least expected.
*There are some people who are mad at me. whatever..i seem to have a knack for upsetting people..but its ok.. first off I am going through a lot. There is an issue with my leg, most likely nothing serious but when you have had any kind of breast cancer (well even sometimes beingin
tumors)you run the risk of developing cancer in your bones. So until we know 100% that i have no tumor cancerous or otherwise in my bone i may not be there for everyone as much as i would like to be. its very scary to know your life is sitting in limbo right now and unless you have had cancer or a tumor it is hard to understand. I know that this is going to come as surprise to some people but guess what? this time around I am going to put myself first..and i think sometimes my brutal honesty is hard to handle. I just find it very ironic that people and yes I mean all people myself included can be so quick to judge others. If you (meaning whoever) want to have conversations about how I let some ppl down thats funny.. because i specifically remember you doing the exact same thing. Yep, so im not perfect. I can screw up big time but i wldnt want to be perfect ( I know this may seem like a shock to hear me say that because im a big perfectionist) but if we were not flawed there would be not need to aspire, to forgive or to teach. Bottom line: I am soooooooooo sick of the blondtourage. Im sick of the fake, the disingenuines, I need to be the center of attention, I need to make others feel bad to feel better, constant need for attention. Im over it, and its ok because some ppl are who they are and thats not bad its just not right for me. But there are plenty of people who enjoy the pettiness. Can I just say though to judge people based on weight, or to treat others poorly because they dont look like you says a lot about your character. im over it.
*you know what i find amazing? how people feel on the inside truly radiates on the outside. When you feel poorly, you treat others poorly. When you have emotional baggage, it becomes obvious by the crap you have laying around. go figure. I think that once every few months we all need to examine what kind of "baggage" we are carrying around. Its healthy to do an occasional inventory and clean up. Get rid of the crap, throw it away, sell it, bury it, burn it, stomp on it whatever. The point is our baggage holds us back from living the best possible life we can.
*One more little irritant. I hate fat people jokes. I hate that word. I think it breads nothing but discrimination prejudice and pain. If you are talking about being Fabulous And Thick thats one thing but i just dont have the time or want to make fun of others. There is enough pain in the world why intentionally contribute? just sayin.
*Some people ..ok mostly my brother, sister, and dad lol say I am a nag and tend to go on. I hear atleast 5 times a week.."you are not my mom". nope im not. yes I am pushy, If I am pushy with myself it shldnt come as a huge shock that I am going to be pushy with you. But if you come to me ask for advice, or help I am going to tell you what i think. it may not always be pretty. Yet, I am offering advice, resources, my time because I want to help. I love you and want whats best for you and yet you need to help you. I can only do what I can do. You have to decide you want a better life. You have to decide to save yourself. You have to decide that your children, grandchildren deserve better. I can point you in the right direction, I can support you but like i told someone who I was tutoring I cant do the work for you. There is however no weakness in asking for help. I really just wish that people would just take the time to consider their families. Children are such a blessing and it bugs me so much when i see people taking them for granted. Your childs needs should come first. Do you know how many people would do anything to have a child or be a grandparent? It upsets me that we get so caught up in this cynical crap and stereotypes we dont ask for help when we need it.
* You know what I find amazing? when I have been listening to the news on my sleepless nite how many of the survivors of Haiti are caught saying thank you. Thank you, and praise God. I have to say I am shocked because if my world had collapsed i think if would distraught, saddened, and to have the strength to be grateful is really touching.

Thats it.. perhaps time for sleep. At the end of the day the only one who knows each of true intentions and where our heart really is is God